Hey Online-iverse!! Hope you're doing well!!! Sorry for the lack of posts, I just graduated from high school a week ago, and I've had exams and such for the past few weeks. But I'm back!!
So, I guess I've had some stuff going on. I just got smacked in the face by God. But let me give some back story first.
We're going on a mission trip in about a month, and we had a meeting on Wednesday. There are about 18 or 19 youth going on this trip, and most (if not all) were meant to attend. Well, one of the guys had to work that night, but said he would come late. ***Quick background info: I had a crush on this guy two summers ago, until about a year ago, and it was pretty serious, for a crush. Anyway, I've moved on from him, but he's still really important to me, both his opinion of me, and how he relates with me and communicates with me are really really important to me, and I spend a lot of time focusing on it.*** Anyway, halfway through the meeting, he texts one of the leaders and says something along the lines of "I can't go on this mission trip to GA because I have to work that week." Well, when Sally (the main leader, and person in charge of mission trips) came into my group to find out how we were doing, she mentioned that this guy could no longer come on the mission trip. I literally lost my breath for a moment. I didn't know what to do. I just sat there shocked. I wasn't freaking out or anything, and nobody really noticed that anything was wrong with me, but it was still happening. Immediately, I began mentally arguing and bartering and "discussing" with God. "God, let him go, I'll find someone to cover his shifts for him," and "God, he needs to be there to help people," and the most humiliating of all, "God, if he can go, I'll do anything you want." For the rest of the night, I was concocting convoluted schemes that would allow this guy to come on our trip.
Later on that night, as I was driving home, it struck me: why do I care whether he comes or not? Like, there was another guy who was originally coming, but then wasn't, and while I was upset, I wasn't willing to sell my soul (just a colloquialism) to get him on this trip with me. So I sat in my car and tried to figure it out. And then I realized. He had become my idol. This guy who I didn't even really have a crush on had become more important to me, and took more of my energy and emotions and time than God did. And while God probably had lots of reasons to keep him from this trip, or at least from that meeting that night, I feel confident that one of them was to show me my idol.
Now, circumstances might yet change, and allow this guy to come on the trip, but I believe that God had the specific intention of not letting him come that night, to show me my idol. And I'm glad He did. It hurt at first, and it's still very difficult, but I don't feel this need to dress in his favorite color, or wear his favorite color nail polish on one finger. I feel freer somehow. And more confident in Christ.
