Violently Angry

To all my friends who read this blog, this particular post is about to get real personal. And real ugly. Somehow, those two seem to go hand in hand with me. So, a warning. If you want to go on thinking of me whatever you did previously, I highly suggest you stop now, and don't read another word.

So here's the deal. My family, unfortunately, often brings out the very worst in me. And with them, and only them, I still have the tendency to get ridiculously, childishly, violently angry. Even as an almost 20-year-old woman, I can throw one heck of a tantrum, although I now have much better tools with which to do that than I did when I was, say 10, (by which time it was already highly inappropriate for me to throw such a tremendous tantrum), like high heeled shoes, for example, not to mention a louder voice and a stronger arm. And as you may have guessed, I had a tantrum today. Actually, at the moment I'm typing this, it was something like 20 minutes ago. My sister and I got into a fight, of sorts. I said something rude without thinking, unintentionally, and she reacted really rudely in reply, and I apologized twice and she didn't say anything, and then she called me bitter, and so I told her that she had hurt me, and that I was really upset that she wouldn't forgive me, and more so that she wasn't sorry for her hurtful words, and she told me that she needed time to calm down, and I got really angry, and let her push my buttons (I don't know whether she was being intentionally infuriating or not, but I'll get to that), and that's where I really went to town. I slammed her door, that has this mirror hanging on it, and I'm pretty sure I broke it. And through the door I yelled something like "I'm not really sorry! Screw you!" Or something along those lines. I honestly don't remember what I said, I'm quoting what I heard her tell my mom that I said. And then my mom came upstairs and I was sitting in my bedroom (literally right next to my sister's room, and with thin walls at that) and I heard her tell my mom the whole thing, but in a way that was really mocking towards me, and I got even more angry. I felt myself losing control, and ran into her room and rushed her. I must have pushed my mom out of the way, but I don't remember any of it. My mom eventually came between us, and I made some cruel comment to her, and then I ran back to my room and started sobbing.

What I did was really wrong. I know that without a doubt. And yet, in spite of that, I could sit and rationalize all day why I'm right and my sister is wrong, or at least I was until the door slammed, but that doesn't matter. When I'm sitting in front of God, and He mentions this moment, when God looks me in the eye and says, "Becca, what about December 26th, 2015, around 10 pm? My Beloved, where was your heart for Me then? How were you loving your sister then?" He's not going to care what she did to me. My showing her love should not be dependent on her forgiving me, and God isn't going to hold me to a lower standard because my circumstances were harder, The way my sister behaves does not affect the way I am called to act. And yes, I do think she was wrong, but really, what does it matter? I'm not supposed to worry about her reactions and responses and behaviors. It's not my job to control her. It's my job to let God hold her to His standard,and to worry about my own behavior compared to His standard.

The thing is, that goes for my relationships with everyone, not just my sister. I ought to be kind and friendly to my former best friend's ex-boyfriend, regardless of the way he treated her (and me) while they were dating. And there's this guy I'm pretty good friends with, who I know is a Christian who often intentionally does things just to set me off. There was a while when it made me especially angry, because in my head I only viewed it as "he's intentionally causing me to stumble, and he needs to stop that, because he's a Christian, and that's a sin too!" which, even as I read that in my head, sounds very childish and immature. I am in control of my own reactions to what he says and does, and it doesn't matter whether he's trying to make me crazy or not, what matters, what once separated me from God is my reaction. Whether he was trying to set me off or not isn't even a part of the equation between me and Jesus. My angry words helped hold Jesus on the cross whether I was provoked or not. Threatening my sister helped hold Jesus on the cross whether she forgave me or not. My prideful snark and sass helped hold Jesus on the cross whether what I said was "technically" true or not. My violent anger held Jesus on that cross, whether I was hurting or not. So I need to get my heart right, and stop looking at other people.

One other thing. I often think about how all sins are equal, but I'm realizing that I think of it in the wrong sort of way. I would say that some of my sassy, disparaging comments to my family are generally not that big a deal, but nights like tonight, fraught with frustration and hurt and anger and tears are a pretty big deal. My tendency is to rationalize the equality of sin to mean that the latter sins are as trivial as the former. However, I'm seeing that that is false. I mean, I suppose technically it's true, but it's false. Neither sin is trivial. In fact, I would say that the former is just as damaging and severe as the latter, and both are equally more severe than I am even aware of.

So, I'm really sorry this post is so long, and I'm sorry it's so personal and ugly. It definitely reveals another minute portion of my completely depraved sinful nature. Remember, though, that even if your worst sins are less of a big deal or way more of a big deal than mine, there is grace when you turn to the cross. Grace that is greater than all our sins, both yours and mine. Praise Jesus for that!

December: A season of Christmas, Cold, and Cramming for Finals!

Ahhh! I experienced brisk, beautiful morning at my school, and the spirit of... well, I would say Christmas, but let's be real here. It's the spirit of finals in the air. At least for me. Studying and cleaning and saying goodbye to my loved ones at school has been the order of the day, or really, the past week. And with the insane craziness (I know that's a redundant phrase) going on as the end of the semester approaches, it can be easy to let things like quiet times and talking to Jesus fall by the wayside. But let me tell you from my own experience, these are the days we need those moments the most!! I've had kind of a tough week. Saturday was a really hard day for me, and Monday was too, and I've just felt incredibly busily overwhelmed. But pausing to spend time with Jesus has been so life-giving. For example, I didn't want to go to church on Sunday because I was exhausted, I had three finals left to study for, and I just wasn't feeling it. But I went after all. And it was a really convicting but really encouraging sermon that I think I really needed to hear. And yesterday, I had an 8 am final, so I didn't want to get up and have quiet time, I wanted to study, but having a quiet time gave me a peace for my final that I know I wouldn't have had otherwise! So thank you Jesus, for being there in those tough moments, and revealing yourself when I take the time to look for You! As this chilly season continues on its path, and Christmas draws nearer, ever increasing your stress as you search for just the perfect gift for this or that person, remember to pause and look for Jesus, and I know He'll meet you where you are.