The End of a Year

Hello, one and all!! As I'm typing these words there are less than two hours until 2016 is over and 2017 has begun. And what a year 2016 has been. It's been a really hard year. Some painful things have happened to people close to me. But some really beautiful things happened too. I had the joy of witnessing two weddings of dear friends this year. And I finally moved off campus into an actual apartment, which has been great, because the Lord has blessed me with wonderful roommates. My brother graduated high school and began his freshman year of college, and my sister found a job doing what she loves. I have an amazing Bible study, with some women who are so excited to seek Jesus, and I get to lead with two wonderful, God-fearing women. And I'm over halfway done with my college degree. I cannot believe all that's happened. 2016 has been a huge blessing, as well as a huge challenge. I cannot wait to see what the Lord has in store for 2017! Praise the Lord that time goes on, and doesn't leave us in our sin and our sorrow forever. Praise the Lord that dawn is coming.

What Am I Feeling? -- A Moment for Processing

Hey internet! It's only been a few minutes since my last post. I'm sure you're asking why I'm posting twice in the same night after six months of radio silence. I'm not really sure. I just need to process. 

This has been a really challenging semester. I can't exactly tell you why, because I can't put my finger on it. It's been academically taxing for sure. I took more hours this semester than ever before, and only one of those classes was a lower level class. And my discipler Abby decided to end our discipleship relationship, and a different staff woman Laura began discipling me instead. Because it "made sense." And I didn't fight it. But this is a difficult relationship for me. I feel like she sees a lot of deep things about me, but she knows nothing about the parts of me that she should know first. She should know things like my love for baking and photography and period films and quotes long before she knows my core lies and my deepest sins and fears. But she doesn't seem to know any of those things about me, even though I've told her, and sometimes even shown her. It's been really hard to connect with her. But then it's sort of been hard to connect with the Lord lately too. This entire year, since January, has been one of my most challenging seasons with the Lord. I so often feel so distant from Him, even when I try so hard to connect. And yes, I know that I've had a lot of complacent seasons this year as well, which have not helped one bit. I just feel a bit lost right now. I know that ultimately the Lord is with me, and I have no reason to fear, but the older I get the more I see how much fear has dictated my life. The other difficult thing this semester has been being surrounded by women who are being pursued by godly men. Of the nine women in the Junior women's Bible study in Navs, three of them have begun romantic relationships this semester. And both of my Bible study co-leaders are dating guys in Navs, who also happen to be freshman Bible study leaders. It seems that no matter where I turn I see women being pursued by godly men, and I wonder every time when God will give me my turn. And I know that I'm not ready for that, because if I was then I wouldn't still be waiting, because I know that God's timing is best. But that doesn't make it less difficult. And I'm realizing that I don't even have any close friends. Except for my sister, but because she spent this semester in the UK, she doesn't really count. Even now, she lives in New York City. She can't just stop by and give me a hug when I need it. And with my sister so far away, it's really easy to feel like there's no one I can talk to. And those people I do talk to, I always realize after telling them things that they have no interest in sharing their hearts with me. I know it because I've been that person before, the person that someone else spills their guts to and then walks away practically unaffected by it. I just want a best friend, someone who'll come and just sit with me, without talking, who'll rejoice in my triumphs and cry in my sorrows. Someone who lives in the same city with me. 

Okay, so I'm realizing after all of that processing that I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I'm glad I've at least figured out a little bit of my issue. Now I need to figure out what to do about it. My first thought is that I should pray about it, which I know sounds about as cliche as it gets. But I think I might be a little bit too focused on myself. I realize every time I come home how much more selfish I am than I realized before, and this exercise in external processing is no exception (as I'm doing it at home). Well, I'll try processing my processing exercise, and I'll get back to you. Because I am tired. So good night, and Merry Christmas!!

Love, Becca

A Taste of Heaven

Hey Internet! I know it's been a minute... or six months. I'm sorry I haven't been very consistent. I can't promise that it won't happen again, though. Because really, it probably will. (I can't help but be honest; I'd hate to lie to the internet!)

Anyway, I titled this post "A Taste of Heaven" because I think I've had several in the last few weeks. In the last few weeks, I've had some incredibly sweet moments with friends, and each time, I leave with the same feeling: sadness. I'm always sad when I leave those moments because they've been so rare and sweet and beautiful in my life. Don't mistake that sentence for me saying that I've led a sad life, because that is NOT it at all, but I can count on one hand the number of times that I can remember being truly sad that a day or a moment has ended because it was just so beautiful. The most recent moments have had one major thing in common: friends. In each instance, I've been surrounded by my friends, people who I love, who love me and each other, and who weren't being divided by insignificant disagreements or petty annoyances. We were just people who love Jesus spending time together. We were having fun, and being ourselves. And I've come to realize that while I was mourning the loss of those perfect moments, I was mourning a loss of heaven. Because heaven is something beautiful. Heaven is being in perfect harmony with Jesus, which is also being with others who believe in Jesus. When we get to heaven, we'll be surrounded by our brothers and sisters in Christ, all of whom we love, and we'll get to be face to face with Jesus, and know His love for us in a more tangible way than we have here on earth. And I am SO EXCITED for that day! 

I may have posted some similar thoughts a while back when I posted about "perfect moments," but it felt appropriate in light of the Christmas season to bring up some of these thoughts again. 

Anyway, Merry Christmas! 

Love, Becca

The Desires of Our Hearts

Hi friends! My semester ended on Friday, and I've been just hanging out ever since. On Thursday, my friend who writes poetry gave me a full collection of his poems, and there are a lot of them. We've spent a lot of time the past two years (since I met him) discussing literature, including poetry, and I really appreciate that he was so willing to share his own work with me, not just one or two poems, but a hundred pages worth of poetry. So I've been reading through the collection since then, and I read one the other day that got me to thinking about desires. Desires seem to be a theme of poetry in general, and especially his, which I really appreciate. Because I really don't like revealing my desires to those around me. Just this morning I shared a desire with my parents, and they didn't react the way I would have hoped. But what is it about the desires of my heart that I'm afraid to show people?

I think some of my desires just seem impossible. For example, my desire of being a published author. Not just self-published, like here on the internet, but a real, honest-to-goodness, with a publisher, and a physical book in bookstores with my name on it, published author, having written a book that someone out there dares to purchase. I don't want to tell people about that desire, because I don't want people to crush that dream. I already know that publishing is incredibly difficult, and the chances of my doing so, especially studying literature instead of creative writing, are slim to none. But I still it is a desire of my heart. I want to protect it.

Sometimes, I think if I speak something, if I say it aloud, it will just shatter the dream. In fact, I know it does because I've done it before. Once something is said aloud, it can be known by other people. And some desires are too special to be known by just anyone. Some things are meant for your heart alone, or really, for your heart and God's. Which is kind of beautiful.
And I think this is part of why I'm so hesitant to share my writing (of any kind) with even the people closest to me in the world. I want to be known, and my writing has so much of me in it, I know, but I'm afraid that once it's been read by others, it's no longer special, and it's no longer just mine. Not to mention that because my writing is composed so much of parts of me, the moment anyone reacts in a way I didn't intend, I become a failure, and it says something about who I am. Or at least, I let myself believe that.

I think our desires say so much about who we are, and what we expect out of life, what we were raised to believe and expect, and who we were created to be. Desires reveal our dissatisfaction with the way things are, and our dreams for the way things could be. Our desires are a lot of the reason we think and say and do so much. Revealing that to the world, or even to another person, is incredibly scary, at least to me. So props to the people who are unafraid to share their desires.

Anyway, I'm sure there are other reasons why I keep my desires so hidden from others, but these are the ones I can think of right now. Thanks for thinking about some desires with me!

Dealing with Some Hurts

Hey fab friends! Sorry I've been a little absent for the past four months-ish. It's been a busy semester. But I'm back for a bit!

So there are these women in my campus ministry and Bible study who I really want to be friends with. I mean really want to be friends with them. Good friends, I mean, not just the superficial "friends" that was most of my friendships in high school. But they're all really close friends, and aren't really open to accepting applications into their friendship right now. So I'm left on the outside, feeling a little like I imagine the Samaritan woman at the well felt like, only WAY, and I do mean WAY less extreme. I feel alone, unloved, and like I'm not valued by them. And mostly, I feel forgotten. So much of the time. I feel it in my stomach every time I see one of their super cute, best friends, sisters in Christ Instagram posts with the perfect filter and a hundred likes. I don't mind so much feeling a little left out (it bothers me, but not large scale), but feeling forgotten is like feeling lonely, and unlovable and worthless simultaneously times ten. It might be one of the worst feelings I've experienced in a friendship.

But the thing is, my hurt is not their fault. It isn't their job to bring me into their little best-friendship. They are called to love me, and I've seen them do it with my own eyes. I know that they care about me. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I see how close they are to each other and how much time they spend together, and how comparatively little time they spend with me (Quality time is my love language, by the way, closely followed by words of affirmation). They are allowed to prefer each other over me. So my question is: how am I supposed to handle the hurt that accompanies the jolt in my stomach every time I see one of these cute insta posts? How do I react to knowing that they've gotten one on one time together, when that's exactly what I've been craving for days?

I'll be honest about my reaction. My natural first response is to be angry. I get angry at them for having such close friendships, and then I quickly get angry at God for not making me more like them/more like-able to them so I could be in their group. While I'm still angry, I usually wallow in self-pity for a while, which includes crying, and sometimes chocolate. If it's especially bad/hurtful, there will be a lot of dark chocolate, and probably also some tea or other comforting drink (hot chocolate). Somewhere in the self pity, probably around the second soaked-through tissue and the third piece of Dove Dark, the anger stops and the self-criticisms begin. What did I do wrong this time to keep them from inviting me? Is she still angry at what I did last month, even though I apologized and she said she forgave me? Was the fact that I didn't talk to her the other night so hurtful that she wanted to hurt me back? Is it just who I am? Am I good enough to be invited? Am I funny/smart/pretty/talented enough to be a part of the group?

I know people are going to hurt me sometimes, but I think my reaction is pretty extreme, and kind of absurd. The reality is that their love for each other has nothing to do with me, and their desire to spend time together has nothing to do with me. There may be an odd case of Insta-revenge every now and then, but especially with these women, women who are seeking the Lord, it seems unlikely. I don't really know the "right" way to deal with these hurts. I think part of the problem is that they're based in my own self-centeredness. I think the more I gain humility, and the more I learn to trust God in my friendships, and especially in who I believe I am, And then I think somewhere, I'll stop worrying about my relationships with them, and maybe the hurt will stop too. Until then, I'm trying to trust God and worry about these things less.

Thanks for reading my entire post. I know there's kind of a lot there; I needed to externally process tonight. I hope it helps you! Keep it real internet!!

Hospital food really is as bad as everyone says...

I have this friend, and her roommate is diabetic. Well, the roommate got drunk the other night, and spent the whole next day puking. But she lost her meter and couldn't check her blood sugar. And she had never been that sick after drinking, so my friend was worried about her, and asked me to take them to the hospital. So I drove them to the hospital, and sat with them for over four hours while we waited on blood work to come back and for the roommate to regain the ability to retain food in her digestive system. And even though my friend wasn't very happy about it, she stayed there all night with her roommate. She skipped a birthday party she really wanted to go to to make sure her roommate was okay. She showed a lot of love to a girl who really didn't deserve it (having treated my friend pretty poorly the past couple weeks). She was so gentle with her, and kind, but also honest. I was really impressed with her. She really exemplified love last night. I really appreciate her.