Hey fab friends! Sorry I've been a little absent for the past four months-ish. It's been a busy semester. But I'm back for a bit!
So there are these women in my campus ministry and Bible study who I really want to be friends with. I mean really want to be friends with them. Good friends, I mean, not just the superficial "friends" that was most of my friendships in high school. But they're all really close friends, and aren't really open to accepting applications into their friendship right now. So I'm left on the outside, feeling a little like I imagine the Samaritan woman at the well felt like, only WAY, and I do mean WAY less extreme. I feel alone, unloved, and like I'm not valued by them. And mostly, I feel forgotten. So much of the time. I feel it in my stomach every time I see one of their super cute, best friends, sisters in Christ Instagram posts with the perfect filter and a hundred likes. I don't mind so much feeling a little left out (it bothers me, but not large scale), but feeling forgotten is like feeling lonely, and unlovable and worthless simultaneously times ten. It might be one of the worst feelings I've experienced in a friendship.
But the thing is, my hurt is not their fault. It isn't their job to bring me into their little best-friendship. They are called to love me, and I've seen them do it with my own eyes. I know that they care about me. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I see how close they are to each other and how much time they spend together, and how comparatively little time they spend with me (Quality time is my love language, by the way, closely followed by words of affirmation). They are allowed to prefer each other over me. So my question is: how am I supposed to handle the hurt that accompanies the jolt in my stomach every time I see one of these cute insta posts? How do I react to knowing that they've gotten one on one time together, when that's exactly what I've been craving for days?
I'll be honest about my reaction. My natural first response is to be angry. I get angry at them for having such close friendships, and then I quickly get angry at God for not making me more like them/more like-able to them so I could be in their group. While I'm still angry, I usually wallow in self-pity for a while, which includes crying, and sometimes chocolate. If it's especially bad/hurtful, there will be a lot of dark chocolate, and probably also some tea or other comforting drink (hot chocolate). Somewhere in the self pity, probably around the second soaked-through tissue and the third piece of Dove Dark, the anger stops and the self-criticisms begin. What did I do wrong this time to keep them from inviting me? Is she still angry at what I did last month, even though I apologized and she said she forgave me? Was the fact that I didn't talk to her the other night so hurtful that she wanted to hurt me back? Is it just who I am? Am I good enough to be invited? Am I funny/smart/pretty/talented enough to be a part of the group?
I know people are going to hurt me sometimes, but I think my reaction is pretty extreme, and kind of absurd. The reality is that their love for each other has nothing to do with me, and their desire to spend time together has nothing to do with me. There may be an odd case of Insta-revenge every now and then, but especially with these women, women who are seeking the Lord, it seems unlikely. I don't really know the "right" way to deal with these hurts. I think part of the problem is that they're based in my own self-centeredness. I think the more I gain humility, and the more I learn to trust God in my friendships, and especially in who I believe I am, And then I think somewhere, I'll stop worrying about my relationships with them, and maybe the hurt will stop too. Until then, I'm trying to trust God and worry about these things less.
Thanks for reading my entire post. I know there's kind of a lot there; I needed to externally process tonight. I hope it helps you! Keep it real internet!!
