The End of a Year

Hello, one and all!! As I'm typing these words there are less than two hours until 2016 is over and 2017 has begun. And what a year 2016 has been. It's been a really hard year. Some painful things have happened to people close to me. But some really beautiful things happened too. I had the joy of witnessing two weddings of dear friends this year. And I finally moved off campus into an actual apartment, which has been great, because the Lord has blessed me with wonderful roommates. My brother graduated high school and began his freshman year of college, and my sister found a job doing what she loves. I have an amazing Bible study, with some women who are so excited to seek Jesus, and I get to lead with two wonderful, God-fearing women. And I'm over halfway done with my college degree. I cannot believe all that's happened. 2016 has been a huge blessing, as well as a huge challenge. I cannot wait to see what the Lord has in store for 2017! Praise the Lord that time goes on, and doesn't leave us in our sin and our sorrow forever. Praise the Lord that dawn is coming.

What Am I Feeling? -- A Moment for Processing

Hey internet! It's only been a few minutes since my last post. I'm sure you're asking why I'm posting twice in the same night after six months of radio silence. I'm not really sure. I just need to process. 

This has been a really challenging semester. I can't exactly tell you why, because I can't put my finger on it. It's been academically taxing for sure. I took more hours this semester than ever before, and only one of those classes was a lower level class. And my discipler Abby decided to end our discipleship relationship, and a different staff woman Laura began discipling me instead. Because it "made sense." And I didn't fight it. But this is a difficult relationship for me. I feel like she sees a lot of deep things about me, but she knows nothing about the parts of me that she should know first. She should know things like my love for baking and photography and period films and quotes long before she knows my core lies and my deepest sins and fears. But she doesn't seem to know any of those things about me, even though I've told her, and sometimes even shown her. It's been really hard to connect with her. But then it's sort of been hard to connect with the Lord lately too. This entire year, since January, has been one of my most challenging seasons with the Lord. I so often feel so distant from Him, even when I try so hard to connect. And yes, I know that I've had a lot of complacent seasons this year as well, which have not helped one bit. I just feel a bit lost right now. I know that ultimately the Lord is with me, and I have no reason to fear, but the older I get the more I see how much fear has dictated my life. The other difficult thing this semester has been being surrounded by women who are being pursued by godly men. Of the nine women in the Junior women's Bible study in Navs, three of them have begun romantic relationships this semester. And both of my Bible study co-leaders are dating guys in Navs, who also happen to be freshman Bible study leaders. It seems that no matter where I turn I see women being pursued by godly men, and I wonder every time when God will give me my turn. And I know that I'm not ready for that, because if I was then I wouldn't still be waiting, because I know that God's timing is best. But that doesn't make it less difficult. And I'm realizing that I don't even have any close friends. Except for my sister, but because she spent this semester in the UK, she doesn't really count. Even now, she lives in New York City. She can't just stop by and give me a hug when I need it. And with my sister so far away, it's really easy to feel like there's no one I can talk to. And those people I do talk to, I always realize after telling them things that they have no interest in sharing their hearts with me. I know it because I've been that person before, the person that someone else spills their guts to and then walks away practically unaffected by it. I just want a best friend, someone who'll come and just sit with me, without talking, who'll rejoice in my triumphs and cry in my sorrows. Someone who lives in the same city with me. 

Okay, so I'm realizing after all of that processing that I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I'm glad I've at least figured out a little bit of my issue. Now I need to figure out what to do about it. My first thought is that I should pray about it, which I know sounds about as cliche as it gets. But I think I might be a little bit too focused on myself. I realize every time I come home how much more selfish I am than I realized before, and this exercise in external processing is no exception (as I'm doing it at home). Well, I'll try processing my processing exercise, and I'll get back to you. Because I am tired. So good night, and Merry Christmas!!

Love, Becca

A Taste of Heaven

Hey Internet! I know it's been a minute... or six months. I'm sorry I haven't been very consistent. I can't promise that it won't happen again, though. Because really, it probably will. (I can't help but be honest; I'd hate to lie to the internet!)

Anyway, I titled this post "A Taste of Heaven" because I think I've had several in the last few weeks. In the last few weeks, I've had some incredibly sweet moments with friends, and each time, I leave with the same feeling: sadness. I'm always sad when I leave those moments because they've been so rare and sweet and beautiful in my life. Don't mistake that sentence for me saying that I've led a sad life, because that is NOT it at all, but I can count on one hand the number of times that I can remember being truly sad that a day or a moment has ended because it was just so beautiful. The most recent moments have had one major thing in common: friends. In each instance, I've been surrounded by my friends, people who I love, who love me and each other, and who weren't being divided by insignificant disagreements or petty annoyances. We were just people who love Jesus spending time together. We were having fun, and being ourselves. And I've come to realize that while I was mourning the loss of those perfect moments, I was mourning a loss of heaven. Because heaven is something beautiful. Heaven is being in perfect harmony with Jesus, which is also being with others who believe in Jesus. When we get to heaven, we'll be surrounded by our brothers and sisters in Christ, all of whom we love, and we'll get to be face to face with Jesus, and know His love for us in a more tangible way than we have here on earth. And I am SO EXCITED for that day! 

I may have posted some similar thoughts a while back when I posted about "perfect moments," but it felt appropriate in light of the Christmas season to bring up some of these thoughts again. 

Anyway, Merry Christmas! 

Love, Becca