As the semester comes to an end, I sit in my bed watching Netflix instead of studying, playing games instead of writing papers, and blogging/journaling instead of sleeping. So as you can guess, it's been a very productive finals week. At the moment, I should be writing an essay that was actually due last Thursday, but I just really needed to process something that shouldn't bother me as much as it did.
My roommate and I were talking about this guy in Navs, and whether we would see him around next year or not, because he sort of disappeared this semester. She made some comment about how "he doesn't seem to have a distaste for the people in Navs" and I said, "yeah, but I almost did exactly the same thing, and I don't have a distaste for the people in Navs either. But I came closer than I ever told you to just leaving and never coming back." And she looked at me and said "yeah, I know. I could tell." And that really bothered me. She can be very condescending, and in that moment, it was so condescending, like I'm too much of a child to be able to hide my feelings, or like she's too grown up to be fooled by my cheap facade during the weeks following Spring Break. And she probably didn't mean it that way, but it really bothered me. There have been a lot of moments this year when she's done that to me. She's two years older, which has just led to a lot of moments when she's been more than a little condescending. Also, she didn't have a right to know. I consciously and specifically didn't tell her because she's not an emotionally inviting/safe person, and I really didn't want to get into my emotions with someone who isn't going to be inviting about my emotions. Because I know that my emotions can run away with me sometimes, and it can take me some time to sort them out and get back on track, and talking to her would not have given me the time or space to do that. And I chose not to tell her because she can be pretty judgmental and condescending about people being led by their emotions, and I don't think I could have handled it. If I had wanted her to know, I would have told her. So she shouldn't have known, and it bothers me that she did. Which of course, I can't help. But I wish she would have just shut up and let me try. Which is emotional and not sensible. But I'm okay with that. Being emotional isn't a bad thing, until all you hear is your emotions and they drown out common sense.
