2019

2019 was a really hard year. Scrolling through social media, I've seen so many posts about the joys of 2019. And I'm so glad that my people have had so many sweet victories and joys in 2019. But the fact of the matter is that my 2019 was really hard. I was kicked out of grad school. And then my grandmother died. And then my grandfather died. And then I had to move back in with my parents, effectively losing my independence, while also moving away from a city where I had a circle of friends who I love like family. And then I got a job that I hated that didn't pay me enough to live on my own/support myself in any way. And then our dog died. And then my sister didn't come home for Christmas because she was spending it with her fiance (who is actually great, don't get me wrong, but still). And then I quit my job because I hated it so much, but that also meant I was saying goodbye to coworkers who I have come to really love.

And yet, 2019 was also a really sweet year in the midst of a lot of hard things. I've grown a lot. I've learned a lot about myself and my parents. I'm learning about deep friendship that transcends distance. I'm learning about the value of work and the way God created us to work. I've read a lot. I've written a lot. I've found joy in trying to bring joy to others. I've also sinned a lot, and still been received by God's grace while being called to repentance. 2019 was a year of a lot of tears for me, but tears don't always mean it was a bad year. It was definitely hard, but not bad.

Life and All That

It's funny to look back at who I was when I started this blog. I had really just started walking with Jesus. I was a sophomore in high school, looking for a place to share my thoughts with the world--even though I knew that most of the world, including my loved ones, would never see this. In fact, I didn't want my loved ones to know about this. I was afraid of what they would think, what they would say, even if they loved it and agreed with it. Sometimes, I think that responding to something at all cheapens it, and I didn't--and still don't--want this diary of experiences to be cheapened. I don't want people just commenting silly nothings like "you go girl" or "oh, that's so sweet". I know that those are good things, and meant to encourage, but they just feel like people are trying to boost my self-esteem, like the only reason I'm doing this is because I need validation, and they want to offer it. But I don't need validation. I know my value, and whether anyone ever reads this again or not, I know what I'm doing and why. And it has very little to do with the responses of my peers.
It's very possible that my expectation for this blog has changed. In fact, I would say it's more than likely. I'm a different woman than I was at fifteen years old. I want to post about my experiences, about my relationship with the Lord, the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I started this, I don't think I knew how bad and ugly that could really be. I'm still learning. I'm learning about how God is good, and I can be both bad and ugly, until grace enters the picture. I'm learning about my own sin in new ways right now, which is the bad and ugly in my relationship with the Lord. But seeing that makes God and His grace all the more beautiful. I guess that for now, that's what this blog is all about!

End of the Semester

As the semester comes to an end, I sit in my bed watching Netflix instead of studying, playing games instead of writing papers, and blogging/journaling instead of sleeping. So as you can guess, it's been a very productive finals week. At the moment, I should be writing an essay that was actually due last Thursday, but I just really needed to process something that shouldn't bother me as much as it did.

My roommate and I were talking about this guy in Navs, and whether we would see him around next year or not, because he sort of disappeared this semester. She made some comment about how "he doesn't seem to have a distaste for the people in Navs" and I said, "yeah, but I almost did exactly the same thing, and I don't have a distaste for the people in Navs either. But I came closer than I ever told you to just leaving and never coming back." And she looked at me and said "yeah, I know. I could tell." And that really bothered me. She can be very condescending, and in that moment, it was so condescending, like I'm too much of a child to be able to hide my feelings, or like she's too grown up to be fooled by my cheap facade during the weeks following Spring Break. And she probably didn't mean it that way, but it really bothered me. There have been a lot of moments this year when she's done that to me. She's two years older, which has just led to a lot of moments when she's been more than a little condescending. Also, she didn't have a right to know. I consciously and specifically didn't tell her because she's not an emotionally inviting/safe person, and I really didn't want to get into my emotions with someone who isn't going to be inviting about my emotions. Because I know that my emotions can run away with me sometimes, and it can take me some time to sort them out and get back on track, and talking to her would not have given me the time or space to do that. And I chose not to tell her because she can be pretty judgmental and condescending about people being led by their emotions, and I don't think I could have handled it. If I had wanted her to know, I would have told her. So she shouldn't have known, and it bothers me that she did. Which of course, I can't help. But I wish she would have just shut up and let me try. Which is emotional and not sensible. But I'm okay with that. Being emotional isn't a bad thing, until all you hear is your emotions and they drown out common sense.

Sadness and Loneliness--And STP

Hi out there. As usual, it's been a little bit since I last posted, because it's been a busy semester, and to be honest it's a lot of work to sit and write and share my heart for something that doesn't really have any sort of following. Most of my friends don't even know about this. But tonight I just feel a little lonely, and I wanted to talk about it.

Specifically, I want to talk about how it's okay that I'm feeling lonely. I used to think that it was bad, that I shouldn't sit here and be lonely and be okay with it. But I am. I trust that the Lord is doing some great things in me, and that He has let me be lonely for His own good purposes. If it wasn't so late at night and I didn't have homework to do, I would find some Scripture that tells us why we can trust the Lord. He is faithful in all things, and He desires good for us. So yes, my heart is sad and lonely right now, and it has been for months, but I know that ultimately God will make His purpose known and be glorified. And until then, I think God won't be upset with me if I cry now and then.


OH! ALSO--I'm going back to STP this summer! If you read this and want to support me financially, you can give to me by following this link: Donate to Becca's STP

Sweet Times with Sweet Friends

Hello Internet! Welcome to 2017!

This month has been a really good time for bonding between me and my roommates. When I came back to school after being home for the holidays, my roommate Katie and I literally sat up and talked until 2 am. And tonight we had some really sweet moments. We talked about the guy she likes, and I read her some of my poetry (which I literally never EVER do), and we laughed and talked until literally 12:30 am. I realized that I do have a close friend. I live with a woman who has taken the time to know me. She sees me in a way I can never understand, and I see her in a way that she doesn't get either. I feel so incredibly blessed to live with her. She is a good friend. Both of my roommates are, but she is especially great, especially tonight.

The End of a Year

Hello, one and all!! As I'm typing these words there are less than two hours until 2016 is over and 2017 has begun. And what a year 2016 has been. It's been a really hard year. Some painful things have happened to people close to me. But some really beautiful things happened too. I had the joy of witnessing two weddings of dear friends this year. And I finally moved off campus into an actual apartment, which has been great, because the Lord has blessed me with wonderful roommates. My brother graduated high school and began his freshman year of college, and my sister found a job doing what she loves. I have an amazing Bible study, with some women who are so excited to seek Jesus, and I get to lead with two wonderful, God-fearing women. And I'm over halfway done with my college degree. I cannot believe all that's happened. 2016 has been a huge blessing, as well as a huge challenge. I cannot wait to see what the Lord has in store for 2017! Praise the Lord that time goes on, and doesn't leave us in our sin and our sorrow forever. Praise the Lord that dawn is coming.

What Am I Feeling? -- A Moment for Processing

Hey internet! It's only been a few minutes since my last post. I'm sure you're asking why I'm posting twice in the same night after six months of radio silence. I'm not really sure. I just need to process. 

This has been a really challenging semester. I can't exactly tell you why, because I can't put my finger on it. It's been academically taxing for sure. I took more hours this semester than ever before, and only one of those classes was a lower level class. And my discipler Abby decided to end our discipleship relationship, and a different staff woman Laura began discipling me instead. Because it "made sense." And I didn't fight it. But this is a difficult relationship for me. I feel like she sees a lot of deep things about me, but she knows nothing about the parts of me that she should know first. She should know things like my love for baking and photography and period films and quotes long before she knows my core lies and my deepest sins and fears. But she doesn't seem to know any of those things about me, even though I've told her, and sometimes even shown her. It's been really hard to connect with her. But then it's sort of been hard to connect with the Lord lately too. This entire year, since January, has been one of my most challenging seasons with the Lord. I so often feel so distant from Him, even when I try so hard to connect. And yes, I know that I've had a lot of complacent seasons this year as well, which have not helped one bit. I just feel a bit lost right now. I know that ultimately the Lord is with me, and I have no reason to fear, but the older I get the more I see how much fear has dictated my life. The other difficult thing this semester has been being surrounded by women who are being pursued by godly men. Of the nine women in the Junior women's Bible study in Navs, three of them have begun romantic relationships this semester. And both of my Bible study co-leaders are dating guys in Navs, who also happen to be freshman Bible study leaders. It seems that no matter where I turn I see women being pursued by godly men, and I wonder every time when God will give me my turn. And I know that I'm not ready for that, because if I was then I wouldn't still be waiting, because I know that God's timing is best. But that doesn't make it less difficult. And I'm realizing that I don't even have any close friends. Except for my sister, but because she spent this semester in the UK, she doesn't really count. Even now, she lives in New York City. She can't just stop by and give me a hug when I need it. And with my sister so far away, it's really easy to feel like there's no one I can talk to. And those people I do talk to, I always realize after telling them things that they have no interest in sharing their hearts with me. I know it because I've been that person before, the person that someone else spills their guts to and then walks away practically unaffected by it. I just want a best friend, someone who'll come and just sit with me, without talking, who'll rejoice in my triumphs and cry in my sorrows. Someone who lives in the same city with me. 

Okay, so I'm realizing after all of that processing that I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I'm glad I've at least figured out a little bit of my issue. Now I need to figure out what to do about it. My first thought is that I should pray about it, which I know sounds about as cliche as it gets. But I think I might be a little bit too focused on myself. I realize every time I come home how much more selfish I am than I realized before, and this exercise in external processing is no exception (as I'm doing it at home). Well, I'll try processing my processing exercise, and I'll get back to you. Because I am tired. So good night, and Merry Christmas!!

Love, Becca