Vulnerability or Authenticity?

This year, I spent Thanksgiving with my family at the beach, like I do every year. On our way home this morning, my dad insisted that we listen to Dr. Rene Brown talk about her study on vulnerability in culture. She talked about how being vulnerable is not really acceptable in our culture. In relationships, people say, "Tell me you're afraid, tell me where you fail, when you've fallen," but she claims that really, the truth is nauseating and a lot of people can't stomach the reality of vulnerability. Well, all I could think of the whole time I was listening to this woman speak was about one night on mission trip to New Mexico and how a lot of us spilled our guts concerning what we were afraid about or upset over regarding the upcoming year. For example, I talked about how bad I am at surrendering to God, and how I was going to have to surrender my big sister to Him when she left for college. That was incredibly difficult for me, but despite talking about all my faults, it felt good, and my friends weren't nauseated by my vulnerability. I was being authentic. Authenticity with others is a big deal for Christians. I just remembered that authenticity that night, and I couldn't have wished for a better group to be authentic with. It was just a good reminder to be thankful for my youth group and for my entire church.

Thankfulness and Church Family

What kinds of things are you thankful for? Are you thankful for the shoes on your feet? The clothes on your back? That school you attend every day? Are you thankful for that food you eat? You should be. God has blessed us all with so much.
One thing I'm especially grateful for is my friendships. I have some of the best friends ever. I can trust them not to tell everyone all the things I tell them, and I know that they won't judge me for my foolish actions, past or future. Or present ones for that matter, but whatever. I really hope that they know the same thing about me. I won't judge them for idiocies. I'll tell them, especially if it's a present idiotic action, but I won't judge them for it. I've found that almost all my favorite activities consist of doing things with people. I love going to eat Chinese food with my youth group on Wednesday nights. I love singing in my school's choir with the other students, I love going to Model UN where I get to meet new people. It's important that we stay connected with other people. My church family is one of the most special of all my connections. My church family is so important to me. They hold me accountable. They show me love on the days when I'm feeling anything but loved. They keep me from being stupid, or at least offer council after I've done something stupid and need to get out of it. They are people I can laugh with or cry with. They won't judge me. They are my best friends. They are what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving. So thank you SMBC.

Anniversary!!! :)

So tomorrow is a very special day. Yes, it is an anniversary. It's the 1-year anniversary of my baptism!!! It's very interesting to look back and see how much I've grown and changed since a year ago, two years ago, five years ago. It's a real blessing. I look back at myself two years ago. Two years ago I was starting my freshman year. I've learned a lot since then. For example, I learned that I'm not always right, and that there is a time and place for everything. I've improved my musical abilities, and I've become a more frequent prayer and reader of my Bible. I'm so thankful for these changes, and yet I know that there are so many more that are headed my way. I can't wait for the future, but I still have to remember the past. I think sometimes people forget that. Well, I'm tired, so I'll see you later!

Request for Prayers

So this has been a really stressful week for me. I took the PSAT on Wednesday, then on Thursday I spent literally 12 hours singing for a chorus festival. And yesterday, I attempted and failed to have a Model UN meeting so my freshmen could learn parliamentary procedure. And my best friend is having the same week, except with more crap, and thus more difficult and stressful. So, I know this is kind of a "Seeking God Moments" thing, but I'm looking for God in the few readers of my blog that I have, and I'm asking you for prayers for me and Sophie that we would have a good relaxing day tomorrow, and that we would get everything done that we need to get done. Thanks guys! I love you a TON!!! And if you have any prayer requests, post them in a comment, and I'll be sure to pray for that for you.

Youth Talk!/Testimony

Well hello there, the like, four people who read my blog on those rare occasions when you're bored. It's been a while since I last posted anything on here. Like, over a month. I know, it's annoying to get on to this awesome blog and see nothing new. But never fear! I have something new today!!!!!

Well, I've had a lot of Seeking God Moments since the last time I posted, but I clearly can't share all of them. And in fact I shared them at youth group, so I think you heard them anyway. But that's beside the point.

Well, last Wednesday I gave a talk at youth group. I messed up and didn't say a lot of what I wanted to say. But one thing I did was give a really short version of my testimony. Yeah, yeah. I think I had a post where I sort of talked about it earlier. Anyway, here's a short version:

I accepted Christ into my heart when I was just a child. A very young child. Like, four or five child. Anyway, I prayed "the prayer" but had no real change of heart or attitude. Sure I acted right, but that was only because that's what my parents told me to. But then, about the middle of my freshman year, my sister started prepping for mission trips at the church we had just recently started attending. Well, she kept telling me to get involved too, but I didn't want to. It was just not something I was willing to do. I was only friends with one girl, and she couldn't even go to youth group. So I didn't. But Ann did. She went on mission trip that summer, and let me tell you that those were the two loneliest weeks I can remember. But when she came home, she was absolutely on fire for God. She couldn't stop talking about her seeking God moments, and all the wonderful things they had done, and all the people she got to know. One of them, a kid my age named Sam (yes, the same Sam in my thanks! list) sounded a lot different when Ann talked about him than I had seen him act. Now, I didn't see much of him freshman year, and what I saw, I tried to ignore, but I heard rumors, and in middle school I saw the way he treated people, like he was so much better than any of them. In 8th grade, my brother and I decided together that we were never going to speak to him ever. (He was a jerk at a basketball game.) But when I heard Ann talk about him,  it was like she was talking about someone different all together. I mean, she was talking about this guy who was sweet and gentlemanly and funny and selfless. (Yea, the selfless part was the part I had the most trouble with.) I didn't believe it for a while. But somewhere, I realized that he had it. He had the Holy Spirit. And then a very short time later, I realized that I didn't. I'm not sure how, except by the way he was acting. I didn't hear rumors anymore, and he was chill now. He didn't think so highly of himself, and he was fun to be around. But that opened me up for the Holy Spirit to convict me and change me.

Yeah, I'm sure right now you're thinking, "That's the short version?" but yeah, it is. The point of that was that your actions speak a whole lot louder than your words, and they tell a whole lot more about where your heart is.

So here's my Seeking God Moment. Because I felt like I really needed to give that talk, I got to do my talk last week. What Tamara planned for small groups to go along with my talk was exactly what I needed to hear. So it was perfect. A true God thing. And yes, I probably could have shared my seeking God moment without my testimony, but ya know. I enjoy typing, and I'm sitting in my Music theory class super bored. So yeah.

A Stressful Day Indeed...

   Today was a big day. My sister left for her freshman year of college. But that's not the biggest part of that situation: she's headed to Florence, Italy. She'll be spending her freshman year in Florence because she is participating in an international studies program at the university she's attending. We drove her to the airport a couple hours away to see her off. (My dad is also going over for a few days so she can get settled.) It's tough to think that my confidante, my trustworthy advisor, and ultimately the one person who knows me best other than God and my parents, will be gone for four months, and then again for another four months. That's been such a hard change for me, especially, because my sister and I have gotten really really close recently. I tell her everything.
   Another big deal today was getting up in the morning to read a nasty facebook message from my best friend saying how angry she was at me for keeping my word to someone else. But here's what happened: I had a study party at my house on Sunday afternoon. She was invited, but didn't come. I was with a bunch of girls in my school's band. One of them told me about how my best friend's best guy friend was planning on asking her out again. She's already rejected him at least twice via facebook. Well, she then swore me to secrecy, because he didn't want anyone to know he was going to ask her out. I didn't tell her. Well, after he asked her out, I told her I knew. It probably wasn't the smartest call, but honesty, as long as it isn't hurtful honesty, is generally the best policy. Then you don't get caught in your lie. But anyway, I told her I knew. Well, she was mad at me after that. How could her best friend know that and not tell her? I explained to her exactly what happened, and that I knew it wasn't right to betray his trust like that, especially when he didn't know it had been given to me. She told him maybe at the time, because she was caught unaware. Well, she apparently told him no today, and he was really mad at her for saying maybe at first, then no. Well, that translated into her being really really mad at me for her being unaware when I was aware.
   The last stressful event today is that while I was at my aunt's house a couple hours from home, my mom and her brother in law (my uncle) got into a debate. My uncle has always scared me a little bit, and now I kinda know why. He was okay while they were debating and he knew exactly what he was talking about. But once my mom had a good point that he couldn't refute due to lack of information, he got all uptight about my mom pointing at him. He said, "HOW DARE YOU POINT AT ME IN MY HOUSE?!?!?!" That was one of the scariest moments I've ever had with him, and I've been seriously afraid of him before, mostly when I was little. So my mom grabbed me and my brother, and we left. We're now staying in a hotel for my brother's soccer tournament. After we were in the car, I asked my mom if my aunt would be mad at her. My mom said, "probably. But she's been upset with me before. But really, I'm not going to live my life trying to please people." That really said a lot to me, since I was dealing with a similar situation with my best friend.
Anyway, that was my day. I saw God in it, even through all that crap I dealt with.

Friends?

The other day, I was in a great mood.  I was excited for my next class, and I was pumped about the weekend. Until I saw someone I had thought was a friend of mine. Don't misunderstand. I still consider him a friend, and he's really important to me, but I've come to the harsh and true realization that people are different with different people. He's one guy on mission trip, and a totally different one at school. He used to be very very different, but I've watched him slip back into a few of his old habits. Not the bad ones, but they weren't good, either. He's part of the reason I became aware of the fact that I didn't really have a relationship with Christ. Basically what happened was that I saw him, and said hi to him, and he didn't see me, or else ignored me. That stressed me out. I know, I know, girls way over think things. I expect too much out of things, and over react when they don't meet my expectations. At the time, I was really upset. I hadn't even tried to talk to him all week, and when I did, he couldn't even be bothered to say hi to me. I consider him one of my best friends. Not in the "hi, you're my best friend, let me tell you all my secrets," kind of way, but in the "hi, you're my best friend, if I need someone to just be there for me, you're the one I can count on." I was really down about that, but when I saw another one of my friends, one who I sometimes overlook when thinking of my best friends in the "you're the person I can count on to be there for me" kind of way, she was there. I didn't have to explain why I was upset in any great detail, I didn't have to defend my feelings because she didn't attack them, she was just there for me. She encouraged me. And so Kayla, I thank you. I saw God in you this week.

Football Games

Hi there! It's been a while since I last posted. Well, I have officially been back at school for an entire week. Monday through Friday, I endured new teachers, an obnoxious block schedule, and a bunch of new chorus kids. This week has been tough for me in a number of ways. For one, it's cut back on my time with my church friends. I've been spending more and more time with my friends who aren't Christian, or who aren't as good an influence on me. I think that's been the biggest problem.
 I love my friends a lot. They are all so special for so many different reasons. But one issue I have with so many of them is that they are negative. They don't like to see the positive. When you spend time with people like that all the time, you start to become like that. Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling icky after going to bed in a super negative mood. That's something I've been struggling with since then, and unfortunately I've not had much success.
Tonight was our first football game. I wasn't too terribly excited since football is much less my sport than basketball in terms of interest. But I went because I'm friends with a couple guys on the team, and I'm friends with a bunch of band kids. Well, when I got there, I ended up being snubbed by this senior girl who has a nack for getting under my skin. Well, I tried to let it go and walk away, but after a while, I realized that something I thought I had and lost, I never really had. That upset me a lot too. So then I was just in a bad mood. I spent my time being negative, when I could have enjoyed a fun sporting event, even though we got crushed.
There's a verse that comes to mind when I think of this whole issue. It is 1 Corinthians 15:33. It says, "Do not be deceived: bad company corrupts good morals." That means that when you spend time with people who make bad choices, like being negative, you end up making the same bad choices. I've been making some big mistakes, and I haven't quite fixed the issue yet. But with some serious prayers, I know I can do better.

No Greater Love

Have you ever seen the movie Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers? It's a great one, you should totally watch it sometime. So I was watching that movie earlier, and let me tell you, that is one of my favorite movies of all time. My sister and I always discuss the best battle. Her favorite is the Battle of Helms Deep. I never really cared about that battle, for no particular reason. It just never really interested me. But I've been stuck on this verse lately in John 15. It's John 15:13, and it says, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends." Watching that particular scene in the movie made me think of the love between friends. Do I love my friends enough that I would die for them? I think the answer would be yes. I'm not afraid of death, and I cherish my friends above all other worldly things. Unfortunately, I wouldn't really know if I have the courage and love to put their lives before my own. But I know someone who did. He gave up everything for me, and everyone else in the world. Even the terrible people on this planet who disgust me at times, Jesus died for them too. That is quite the thought. Do you love the sinners of the world enough to die for all of them? And to take all their sins upon themselves? Because I don't. My love fails, just like everyone elses. Except God.

Far as the Eye Can See

I wrote a poem one day while we were in New Mexico. It was on Thursday, while we were still on the Native American reservation. I was staring out at the amazing scenery that's so very different from what I have here at home. I've been looking through the pictures people took of the scenery, and I'm still in awe of what I see in them. Anyway, here's my poem

I stand here amazed
All I want is to sing Your praise
You've blessed me with this view
Full of things I never knew

I see the mountains touch the sky
From a mesa way up high
I see sparse trees and lots of sand
All I know was created by Your hand

I look at Your sky with its many moods
Though it once held lightning, Your sun shines through
I think of houw it came to be
You spoke into existence what I now see

Down I look to see Your bugs
Though they're not much, You show them love
I know You also care for me
You love me more than any bug or tree

I hear my friends as they work hard
You love them more than I could, Lord.
To see this much leaves me in wonder
My Father's power speaks louder than thunder

The Simple Pleasures

Tonight, my dad had a church-league softball game. He didn't actually go, but I did. I got to hang out with some of my best friends and a couple of my cousins. We swung on the swing set, chatted, looked through my photo album from our mission trips, took goofy pictures (haha thanks Cassidy) and rolled down the hill. I was thinking about why we were created. God created us to enjoy Him, and in a way, I got to do that tonight. I got to spend time with some of the godliest teenagers I know, and I got to have fun enjoying the simple things like rolling down a hill and swinging. I saw God in those simple pleasures.

Wild Wednesday

So, we had Wild Wednesday tonight at church. We went on a scavenger hunt, and I had an AWESOME team!!! We went to Pruett's, the local grocery store, and prayed with a woman who Tamara knew, then we went and prayed for two random houses and left them notes saying as much, then we went to China and learned a new word in Chinese and gave the woman who waits on our group EVERY Wednesday an encouraging note, then we went to a bunch of other places, too. There were ten places we had to go. I have two favorites. My first favorite was going to Signal Point. We prayed for Signal Mountain and for Chattanooga. Then, I got to share my testimony with a man and woman who were sitting at picnic tables there. My testimony is something that I find awkward to share in certain company, but I did it anyway. I'm proud of that, but also, I was encouraged by the fact that the guy, Will, was really cool about it. I asked him if he would mind if I shared my testimony, and he was like, "sure." So I did, and he really listened. He nodded, agreed with me in places. It was awesome and touching. My other favorite was singing to a woman from our church in Alexian, the retirement home. She was so sweet about us coming in, and was so attentive as she listened to us sing. We sang Sanctuary, one of my favorites. The whole time we were singing, I watched either her, or the cross over her bed. I always either hold my cross necklace or my ring with a cross on it when I sing, but instead I got to stare at a cross. I know that's silly or whatever, but it was special to me. I really loved tonight. It was another perfect moment that I will treasure forever.

Perfect Moments

Oh. My. Gosh. If I've ever felt God's presence, it was in this past week. I spent this past week in New Mexico on a mission trip with my church. It was amazing. I can't even describe it. Two weeks before that, I had been on a mission trip to Kentucky with the same group. They were awesome in Kentucky, but the trip to New Mexico was way better. Not only was there less drama in New Mexico, but I felt like I had a purpose there more than in KY. I felt like that was exactly where I belonged. I didn't know why, but I knew. I had so many seeking God moments, but I'm only sharing my perfect moments in this post. Now, my perfect moments are seeking God moments too, because they are like sneak peeks of what Heaven will be like, so don't think this post is a waste of time or anything. So, I just have a list of perfect moments, if that's okay with you, because I feel like putting them in one big paragraph is a bit annoying. And quick disclaimer, I don't know the order of them. They aren't in chronological order because the week was a bit of a jumble for me.

• I had my first perfect moment on Monday. I had been praying about getting to know some of the people on the trip (Sam, Brooke, Jacob) and I got to work on a side of the church with mostly just them. I really felt like I got to know Sam, Jacob, and Brooke, which was awesome, because I had been praying seriously about that.
• The next perfect moment was Monday night before VBS. I was sitting in what is now officially "My Spot," and scrubbing the dirt and paint off of my arms and legs with baby wipes. I was watching a big group of the youth play basketball. Slowly, the group thinned out, until only one or two remained. After the other guy left, the last guy walked over and talked to me about the sky and the upcoming storm, things I was too preoccupied to notice. I loved that moment because it was a reminder to me that God isn't in a rush. God has things planned to go exactly the time and way he wants them too.
• The third perfect moment was sitting with Emily on the curb. I got to share my testimony with her, which was special because I had never shared it one on one with anyone before, without holding anything back. I had a great time because I felt like I could be 100 percent real without saying something that could be perceived wrongly. And even though I did mess up my words, it wasn't awkward because I was right there with her, and she could ask me questions too.
• Another perfect moment was waking up to see the sunrise. The day before, I had intended to go, but circumstances and a personal decision made me choose not to. Because of all that, I was overjoyed to see the beautiful sunrise in the huge New Mexico sky.
• Yet another perfect moment was that one night, either Sunday or Monday night, I did a lot of singing, and my voice was mostly shot. I got to dance in the rain and listen to some really awesome guys sing instead of me, a welcome change for a girl who often ends up singing a lot more than my voice should. I really loved that.
• Many perfect moments involved me singing with or listening to music with or listening to Jacob. Jacob is so musically gifted, both in his music discernability and his voice and guitar skills. I had a ton of fun with him this week, although I accidentally ended up calling him my brother's name multiple times.
• One of the last perfect moments I had, I was sitting on a metal swingset, watching Michaela, Sam, Kenton, and Justin playing basketball. I know that doesn't sound like much, but a storm was coming, and I really enjoyed that moment, feeling God's power in the storm and his love through my friends.

The best part of the week is that that isn't even half of my perfect moments. Those are just my favorites. They were all special, but I really felt God in them, and got a preview of heaven.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

So this weekend, my older sister and I took a road trip to our old city seven hours away. We went to her best friend's graduation party and her old school's graduation. The next morning, we went to church where some old friends from our church went. (They no longer go to the church we met them at, but a church planted by that church.) That family was probably one of the best reasons to go back to VA. We went to church with them, then had lunch with their small group, then headed out. It was interesting to see how people have changed. For example, Drew is now taller than Ann and has facial hair. (Drew is a member of that family mentioned above.) I was thinking about how I would not have said that I had changed that much until we came back. Since then I have become much more socially aware and can now partake in conversation with adults. I'm also much more confident. It took some serous reflection to come to that conclusion, though. Well, that, and people saying things like "the last time I saw you, you were only this tall!"
Basically, what I've been trying to say is that God used this trip as an eye-opener to my growth In the past five years, and especially the last year or two. I have changed, and that's a good thing. And a God thing.

More People Issues

So I don't know if you remember that post from a couple months ago? The one about the football jerk who had once been a good friend? If you don't, it's called "Accept it? Yes. Stop Praying? Never." Well, if you want to fully understand, you might want to read that post.
Anyway, in that particular post, I was talking about how I really had trouble loving and praying for that football jerk, and how I was just completely over him. Well, he has a friend. At least, they used to be friends. I guess they still are friends, but this guy isn't a football jerk. He's more of a jerk in a player kind of way. He was "talking to" a friend of mine once, but then we went on a field trip that she wasn't at, and he totally flirted with not just one, but three girls from different schools. It was a little pathetic, and made me sick. But I was talking to him on the last day of school, (mind you I was only having literally a conversation, we weren't actually "talking") and I realized, even though he has his issues and his faults, he's not the worst person in the world, and I shouldn't dislike him just because he's done some dumb things. Which also reminded me a little of the football jerk. Maybe he really is still there, just hidden behind his current behaviors and attitudes. The old him, I mean.

A Time and Place for Everything

My sister recently graduated from high school, and our principal has a saying he likes to use, especially on occasions like that. It is "There is a time and a place for everything." He has grossly overused that phrase to the point where no one takes it seriously anymore, but I do think it's one to remember. For example, there is a time to spend with your family, and a time to spend alone with God. I think that's definitely something people forget. There's a time to spend with God. Now, that doesn't mean you should never speak to another person ever again. I believe God created us to be with other humans, to interact with them. And I guess this really ends up saying, watch your extremes. For example, I enjoy singing. That doesn't mean I should spend all of my time singing. I also love talking. But if I talk too much, no one will want to listen to me. I have to listen too. It's a give and take. That having been said, I do think there is one thing that we can never do too much of. That's loving and trusting God. Hopefully I can remember that as my awesome sister heads to college in a few months.

Miracles

This past Sunday, I was at church. It was around 6:30, and we were getting ready to start our last small group meeting. I was excited. At 7:30, though, I was mostly just irritated. I know I hate it when people say stuff like this, but there is a time and a place for everything. And honestly, I would say that there is a time and a place for goofing around, but small group is not it. And I mean, I love these people. I absolutely LOVE them. But as it was, I was a little bit irritated with another girl there, just because I feel like I've spent too much time with her, so I was just done with it. But then after small groups, we were supposed to have our Read the Bible Through discussion on the prophets. But everyone just kinda wanted to talk. I was done with some of them for the day, so I went outside for a few minutes to clear my head and get rid of my irritations. I was looking up, talking to God, (I'm weird like that, I look up and pray) and watching the clouds. I didn't really know what I wanted, or what I was looking for, I was just talking. Suddenly, I saw the face of a baby in the clouds. I might be crazy, but I think God was trying to get my attention. The instant I saw that face, I realized that I had been looking for a miracle. I also realized that there are miracles all around me, I just don't think about them like they're miracles.  Things like birth, and children, and life. And don't forget the human body. Think about all the tiny parts that you're made up of. There are single atoms that make cells that make your organs that make you. It's really incredible. And then think of all the things your body does without even having to tell it to. Things like breathing, and having your heart beat, and blinking your eyes. And even thinking. Sometimes you have to tell yourself to breathe and to close your eyes, but often times, you don't. But that's off the point. The point is that there are miracles all over the place, and we should look out for them.

Combating The Ways of the World

The ways of the world. Think about it. The ways of the world. What does the world deem acceptable? Homosexuality, being promiscuous, making everything all about me. Of course, there are others. "It's okay for you to curse." "Let's save those trees, but those African children who are starving? we can leave them be." "It's okay to bully him; he doesn't care." "She won't know I said this about her, so it's okay." And people just excuse it. "No one's being hurt." "He's too popular; someone has to take him down a notch." "I can't do anything to help them anyway, I'm not important enough." One of the saddest excuses ever for some of these is "God's too busy to care." or "God won't notice." There is no excuse for these kinds of things, and everyone does them. That's right; everyone. Even me.
 I have a classmate who is very "of the world." She's bisexual and atheist, although she's Jewish as well. She likes to argue with me about what is true. The other day, we had an argument about gay marriage. I'm against it because of what it says in the Bible. She's for it. Her argument: "It's been scientifically proven that gayness is a chemical imbalance in the brain. How can you make that illegal?" My response: "I don't know how or why, and I don't claim to. I just know what I believe and I know that the Bible is truth." Her argument: "But it says that being gay is a sin in the old testament, and it says that eating shrimp is a sin there too, but you eat shrimp, don't you?" My response: "It does, but it says that being gay is a sin in the New Testament, too. But it doesn't say that about shrimp, does it?" Her arguments go on, but that's all I've got. I never know how to respond to what she says. It's frustrating. The night of that discussion, though, I talked to one of my best friends, the one who agrees with me on being gay as a sin. She reminded me that there's no such thing as beating this particular girl in an argument, because even if you do have a better argument, she'll think she's won. That was really encouraging to me, even though I was still upset that I didn't know what to say. But maybe next time I will have a good response. Here's hoping! (or praying)

Encouragement When I'm Down

On Wednesday, chorus was really discouraging. We were supposed to rehearse, but our seniors were leading us. And the chorus president just didn't care at all. She tried to warm us up, but she didn't care, so no one listened to her. It became a disaster. No one listened, and finally she just gave up. And then when a couple of my friends were talking about going to rehearse in a practice room, I was going to go with them. But then one of their other friends came up to me and told me I couldn't join them because they were practicing with her. So in the end, I sat in the chorus room by myself. It was really discouraging, because I really needed to rehearse, and also I just felt like they didn't care about me very much if they were going to just leave me and not stand up for me. I know that's silly, but I still felt it a lot. But then next period, our French teacher showed us all these cool pictures of when she went to Niger for two years. She went with a Christian missions group or something. Anyway, it really encouraged me to see how she gave up two years of her life to do something for God. She spent two years in what at the time was the poorest country in the world, to do something for God. And she had some great experiences. It just reminded me to be cheerful no matter what kind of issues I have.

Be Still

So I've been really stressed lately about a lot of things. I've been stressed about my grades, about my friends, and about life in general. I get so caught up in everything that's going on around me that it's hard not to be stressed out. I mean, I'm not doing really well in school, and one of my friends grates on my nerves whenever I'm with her and she's a little clingy. Especially in this one class we have. And then I've got this other acquaintance who's not a Christian, and she likes to argue about religion and things that I believe because of religion. It's just been a really stressful school year. But this morning, while I was getting ready for school, I just wanted to read my Bible. Don't get me wrong, I do read my Bible, but most of the time it's after school or right before I go to bed because I have more time then. But this morning I went to read my Bible and decided to read Psalm 46. There's a really comforting verse in Psalm 46 that I love. I knew that verse was there, and it's one of my favorites. In the New King James Version, it says, "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" I really just felt calmed, and at peace. No matter what's going on in my life, God is God, and that's a comfort.

Standards

Everyone has some kind of standard that they hold people to. I expect my English teacher to be well-spoken, and my French teacher to parler le francais. But people hold standards to me too. My friends expect me to be funny, my teachers expect me to be just like my sister, my parents expect me to know what's going on all the time. I feel like I can never quite meet the standards people hold me to, and I've found that most of the time, people don't quite measure up to my expectations either. Now, God holds us to certain standards, and they can be really difficult to live up to. In fact, I don't think I've ever truly met up to God's standards. He expects us to love EVERYONE and to be joyful ALL the time and not to complain EVER. God expects us not to think ONE mean thought about ANYONE. I can be as sweet as can be on the outside, and on the inside be degrading them until long after I've left them. That's definitely wrong. Now, I don't know if it's even possible to not think one nasty thought, but I don't even really try anymore. That's wrong. We should always strive for God's standard, not our own. I've really been thinking about what my standards for myself are, and this is what I've come up with:

1. Be a good friend to your best friends.
2. At least pretend to listen and take notes when the teacher is lecturing.
3. Don't be too mean to your brother and sister.
4. Try not to snap at that girl in history class who's being judgmental and a know it all more than once per day.
5. Pass all classes.
6. Always know what's going on.
7. If you don't know what's going on, fake it.
8. Don't be mean about people unless they can't hear you.
9. Be responsible only as long as someone else expects it.
10. Try to be respectful of others as long as they are being respectful to you.

The list goes on, but you can see how pathetic these are. I should be a good friend to ALL my friends, and I should really take notes when my teachers are lecturing. I shouldn't snap at the girl from history EVER, and my siblings don't need me to be mean to them at all. The saddest part of this is that I fall short of my own standards all the time. If I can fall short of my imperfect standards so often, just imagine how often I fall short of God's standards for me. I can't even guess how disappointed God is in me on a daily basis. But even though I do screw up, I know God loves me anyway. Just like my parents. I might forget to do the dishes when that's my chore, or yell at my brother, but they love me anyway, and God's the same.

Birthday!!!

So yesterday was my 16th birthday. During the school day, I was okay. My day hadn't been great, but it hadn't been terrible either. It was just another day. Well, other than some of my more obnoxious friends yelling "Happy birthday!!!" at me as I sprinted to class. But what I really loved about yesterday had nothing to do with school. Yesterday, I worked my church's rummage sale because my birthday party is tonight, and I had to work one of the two days. I didn't really want to work on my birthday, but I did. I can't tell you how glad I am that I did.
Yesterday while I was working, I had so much fun. I realized how much I really love these people in my church. They are fun and sweet and just good to be around. They are such a good influence on me, and I appreciate them for it. They are encouraging and they help me when I need it. They give me good advice and they're fun to talk to. And another thing. I talk about my youth group a lot, but it's not all youth. I consider our Sunday School teachers, our Wednesday night leaders, even just some of the women in our church, and our Missions Pastor to be part of our youth group too. And of course our Youth Pastor Tamara. All of these people make up my youth group/second family. And I know I got really off the topic here, but I just love all of these people so much, and they are what made my day yesterday fantastic. So, thanks guys! I love you all!  

Life

Have you ever noticed how life likes to throw you a curve ball right when you aren't expecting it, just because of everything else going on in your life? For instance, when you start dating this really great guy and he starts telling you he loves you just a couple weeks into your relationship. You don't see it coming. Or when your boyfriend breaks up with you over the internet while he's in town for no apparent reason. Or your dad can't make it to your important concert because your mom is depressed. Or your dad goes bankrupt and gets arrested for domestic assault--assaulting you.   These things happen. It's sad, but they happen. You wonder why. . . Why did my parents get divorced? Why did we have to move across the country? Why wouldn't any of my friends stand up for me? Why did my dad abuse me emotionally? Why didn't I know how to respond when she was attacking my faith? Why is the biggest question in my life right now. Now, those things I mentioned before? Those haven't happened to me necessarily, but to the people I care about. But even still, I see how they have affected their lives. These problems, I don't know how any of them feel up close and personal. But I know how they've hurt the ones I love.
I know a girl whose boyfriend told her he loved her two weeks into their relationship. She was shocked and didn't know how to respond. She didn't love him back, and told him so. But he didn't care. He kept telling her. They kept dating. But one day she realized that she didn't have romantic feelings for him at all. She didn't want to break up with him, but she knew she had to. She felt like she would be being a jerk if she did, but in the end she knew that was the right decision. But it was a curve ball that she didn't see coming. It changed a lot of things. And that's just one example.
Now I could tell you all about the other incidents I mentioned before, but that's a good place to stop for the point I want to get across. The point of this whole thing is that God is in control. I don't care if you don't believe in God or if believing in God has been your entire life. God is in control. And more than that, God sees the big picture. God knows that what he's given you to deal with is for good. After all, in Romans 8:28 it says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (NASB) That means that no matter what difficulties we have, God knows that in the end, they will work for the good of us, the people working for His purpose. And that's a comforting thought, at least for me.

Accept it? Yes. Stop Praying? Never

So there's a kid at my school who's... Well, I'm not sure what he is. Or rather, I wish he wasn't what he is. He plays football. Don't misunderstand. I don't dislike football players until their pride gets in the way and their egos get bigger than Texas. Then they get annoying. And that's kinda the problem with this particular guy.
Once upon a time (last year) he was one of my favorite people ever. I considered him a good friend. I could trust him, and no matter how much he teased me, I knew that when it came down to it he would be there for me. Well, this fall, he started playing football. Need I say more? I probably should.
When he started playing football, he stopped talking to me almost all together. He started hanging out with the jerk-ish guys who play football, especially the ones that think they're all that, even though they have yet to play during a real varsity game. He became the obnoxious jerk who talks straight through class and makes rude jokes about everyone. He even started doing the annoying high socks and tennis shoes thing that all the football players do because they think it's so cool or something. I began hating this "new him" before football season was even half over.
Then he went on my church's ski trip the weekend before we went back to school after Christmas break. He was a completely different person than the jerk he had been lately. He was back to teasing me and talking to me and being one of my favorite people. I didn't even ski with him, but he talked to me anyway. Well, when we went back to school, he went back to being the "new him." It made me so upset. I complained about him more than usual, and my friends noticed. That Wednesday, though, he went to our youth group. He stayed "new him," but he came, which made me glad. He kept coming too. I began praying that the "new him" would leave forever, and that he would revert to the old him. But then he stopped coming. I asked why at school, and he gave me an excuse. This happened for the next few weeks. Finally, I blew up on him. I gave him crap about how he kept giving me excuses and how if he wasn't gonna keep coming, he needed to just say so. After all, (although I didn't say this to him) every week, I would get excited to see him only to have my hopes prove worthless. I was sick of it. His response was "I never said I would keep coming!" Which he had. I was so mad. But I let go. I realized that nothing I could do would bring back the old him. The him that I love. I wanted to just give up. Forget the old him and move on with my life. Forget about him in my prayers, and in my daily life. For a while, I did. Or tried to. But today I realized something. I can't change him, that's true. But I can accept that he's different. That doesn't mean I should stop praying for him. He's still him, even if his personality has changed. So maybe I don't want to spend time with the new him. That doesn't mean I shouldn't pray for him. If he's become a jerk after being a really awesome guy, maybe that awesome guy is still there and will come back someday. But even if he doesn't, I can keep praying for him, and pray that I can love him even if the old him never returns. So now, I'm deciding to accept the "new him" and pray for him regardless. Or try at least.

Museum?

Today for AP World History, we took a field trip to the High Museum in Atlanta, GA. We had a lot of fun, and it was cool seeing all the amazing artwork. One thing that really hit home while I was on this trip is the extent of Human Ingenuity. People can create the most beautiful, intricate works. And some of the beautiful things in that museum weren't really all that intricate or complex. And I thought, "These artists can pull this off because God did it first." That was a cool and comforting thought. No matter how beautiful complex things humans create, the works of God's hands are so much more so.

Another thing that I really saw today was that while there were definitely similarities between works of art, none of them were exactly the same, and, while we joked that even a 2 1/2 year old could do some of this stuff, they can't be truly recreated, or copied in anyway. Sure you can take a picture of the art, or make a copy somehow, but it won't actually be the same. Each person on this planet is unique, and, just like each work of art, whether as simple as a funny shaped canvas painted green or as complex as any of Picasso's cubism works, is special to the creator, so are we. God loves us all so much, and not because we're just like another. God loves us because we are his handiwork. We are his masterpieces.

Your will be done

So, I can say from personal experience, when you have a good plan, it can be incredibly difficult to give it up, even when you know the plan you're giving it up for is better.

I've been having this issue lately. There are things going on that I cant control, so I've been praying that MY plan would happen. That's not the way it should be at all. I should understand that God's plan is better, and even though I don't know what it is, I should trust God that everything will work out. I keep praying that my will be done, when I ought to be praying for GOD's will to be done. That's something I forget easily, and I need to work on that.

"Breathing the Spirit"

My youth is reading a book called Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman for our small groups on Sunday nights. Today, I was reading it during my personal finance class during some free time. It had a passage about "Breathing the Spirit." That passage really struck me, and I've decided to make a conscious effort to do this. Basically, what it is is this: When you feel yourself being angry, or selfish, or lustful, or greedy, etc. you exhale, exhaling these feelings, and in essence, the human-ness of you, or your Dark human nature. When you inhale, you inhale the Spirit, which fills all of you with it's Light. It's a really cool concept, and I'm trying to live that way.

Working in Ways You Don't Even Realize

   You may not realize it, but God is working in your life. I don't care if you don't think so, he is. And this does relate, just so you know.
   For the past few weeks, I've been busy working on my personal project. (If you are unlucky enough to know what that means in relationship to the IB program, I am SO sorry for you, but if you don't, be happy and don't ask.) It's this really stressful project that I've been supposed to be working on all year, but I just started in February. I know, I know. Procrastinating is bad. Anyway, I had to present my project to my advisor tonight, along with two other teachers. I was terrified and freaking out, understandably so considering I hadn't even started on my presentation until last night around 10. Anyway, I thought I was supposed to go home with my sister, but I told my cousin not to leave until I texted her because I wasn't absolutely positive. Well, after school, I walk outside and I see that my cousin has already left. Then I walk out to my sister's car, and she's not there. I called her a bunch because I really had to get home to finish my presentation, which was at 4. She didn't pick up once. So I called my mom. My mom came and picked me up because I was crying because I was stressed out and concerned. When I got home, I really didn't want my mom to stop and get the mail because I was in such a rush to start working. I'm SO glad she did though.
   I got a letter in the mail from an awesome friend of mine who's in college. I hadn't seen her since the summer, and we haven't really contacted each other much, so I was pleasantly surprised to get it. But I was too busy to read it until I was on my way back to school to present. I didn't think that a simple letter could do so much for me, but it did.
   I had been super stressed out about my project, and really just about life in general. I mean, there's a LOT of drama when you're a high school girl in chorus. And then there's that girl who I bought a Bible for Christmas for, even though she's atheist. She's a sweet girl, but she can be a little rough sometimes.  But my college friend shared with me a Bible verse that really calmed me down. It's 1 Peter 5:8-9 "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith. Your brothers and sisters throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." It reminded me that I'm never alone in my struggles, no matter how it may feel. It made me calmer about my presentation, too. I really felt like Jesus was right there with me, and that calmed me down a ton.

Changing Someone's Life

Tonight, at my youth group, a few kids shared their testimonies. I was too shy to share mine, but one girl, a darling friend of mine, shared hers. I didn't know this about her, and I was shocked, to say the least. She seemed like such a normal kid, with a normal life, a normal family, a normal faith. But what she has is much stronger. This is kind of what she said, and all I can think is that she's gone through so much more than many adults, and she shouldn't have to, nor should any other teenager. So this is her testimony. Cambree darling, I love you, and sometimes it's okay to cry.

"A few years ago, when I was in 6th grade, my dad abused me. He abused me mentally and emotionally. I kept it from my mom. I didn't tell anyone till I was in 8th grade. My guidance councilor got it outta me. I didn't even tell my mom til Child Services were at my door.I've been depressed for a couple years now. I was diagnosed as depressed in 7th grade. No high school freshman should be depressed. Jesus Christ has helped me live even though I'm depressed. For a while, I thought why should I trust this guy if he's gonna let me go through all that, but now I've realized that now that I've been through this, I can get my story out there, and let other people know that they aren't alone. They aren't the only ones who've lived through this. And it'll be okay. The way I see it, I could be saving someone's life. And Jesus is helping me all the way." 

With God On My Side...

Hey! So today I'm finishing my personal project for school, and I'm really nervous about it. I mean, who wouldn't be? I'm teaching a 6th grade music class, and I'm only a sophomore. But this morning, my sister prayed for me. I know that's kind of a silly Seeking God Moment, but it was really special to me. So I guess, even though I'm nervous, I'm ready to go! After all, with God on my side, what am I worrying about?