It's funny to look back at who I was when I started this blog. I had really just started walking with Jesus. I was a sophomore in high school, looking for a place to share my thoughts with the world--even though I knew that most of the world, including my loved ones, would never see this. In fact, I didn't want my loved ones to know about this. I was afraid of what they would think, what they would say, even if they loved it and agreed with it. Sometimes, I think that responding to something at all cheapens it, and I didn't--and still don't--want this diary of experiences to be cheapened. I don't want people just commenting silly nothings like "you go girl" or "oh, that's so sweet". I know that those are good things, and meant to encourage, but they just feel like people are trying to boost my self-esteem, like the only reason I'm doing this is because I need validation, and they want to offer it. But I don't need validation. I know my value, and whether anyone ever reads this again or not, I know what I'm doing and why. And it has very little to do with the responses of my peers.
It's very possible that my expectation for this blog has changed. In fact, I would say it's more than likely. I'm a different woman than I was at fifteen years old. I want to post about my experiences, about my relationship with the Lord, the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I started this, I don't think I knew how bad and ugly that could really be. I'm still learning. I'm learning about how God is good, and I can be both bad and ugly, until grace enters the picture. I'm learning about my own sin in new ways right now, which is the bad and ugly in my relationship with the Lord. But seeing that makes God and His grace all the more beautiful. I guess that for now, that's what this blog is all about!
Friday, September 29, 2017
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
End of the Semester
As the semester comes to an end, I sit in my bed watching Netflix instead of studying, playing games instead of writing papers, and blogging/journaling instead of sleeping. So as you can guess, it's been a very productive finals week. At the moment, I should be writing an essay that was actually due last Thursday, but I just really needed to process something that shouldn't bother me as much as it did.
My roommate and I were talking about this guy in Navs, and whether we would see him around next year or not, because he sort of disappeared this semester. She made some comment about how "he doesn't seem to have a distaste for the people in Navs" and I said, "yeah, but I almost did exactly the same thing, and I don't have a distaste for the people in Navs either. But I came closer than I ever told you to just leaving and never coming back." And she looked at me and said "yeah, I know. I could tell." And that really bothered me. She can be very condescending, and in that moment, it was so condescending, like I'm too much of a child to be able to hide my feelings, or like she's too grown up to be fooled by my cheap facade during the weeks following Spring Break. And she probably didn't mean it that way, but it really bothered me. There have been a lot of moments this year when she's done that to me. She's two years older, which has just led to a lot of moments when she's been more than a little condescending. Also, she didn't have a right to know. I consciously and specifically didn't tell her because she's not an emotionally inviting/safe person, and I really didn't want to get into my emotions with someone who isn't going to be inviting about my emotions. Because I know that my emotions can run away with me sometimes, and it can take me some time to sort them out and get back on track, and talking to her would not have given me the time or space to do that. And I chose not to tell her because she can be pretty judgmental and condescending about people being led by their emotions, and I don't think I could have handled it. If I had wanted her to know, I would have told her. So she shouldn't have known, and it bothers me that she did. Which of course, I can't help. But I wish she would have just shut up and let me try. Which is emotional and not sensible. But I'm okay with that. Being emotional isn't a bad thing, until all you hear is your emotions and they drown out common sense.
My roommate and I were talking about this guy in Navs, and whether we would see him around next year or not, because he sort of disappeared this semester. She made some comment about how "he doesn't seem to have a distaste for the people in Navs" and I said, "yeah, but I almost did exactly the same thing, and I don't have a distaste for the people in Navs either. But I came closer than I ever told you to just leaving and never coming back." And she looked at me and said "yeah, I know. I could tell." And that really bothered me. She can be very condescending, and in that moment, it was so condescending, like I'm too much of a child to be able to hide my feelings, or like she's too grown up to be fooled by my cheap facade during the weeks following Spring Break. And she probably didn't mean it that way, but it really bothered me. There have been a lot of moments this year when she's done that to me. She's two years older, which has just led to a lot of moments when she's been more than a little condescending. Also, she didn't have a right to know. I consciously and specifically didn't tell her because she's not an emotionally inviting/safe person, and I really didn't want to get into my emotions with someone who isn't going to be inviting about my emotions. Because I know that my emotions can run away with me sometimes, and it can take me some time to sort them out and get back on track, and talking to her would not have given me the time or space to do that. And I chose not to tell her because she can be pretty judgmental and condescending about people being led by their emotions, and I don't think I could have handled it. If I had wanted her to know, I would have told her. So she shouldn't have known, and it bothers me that she did. Which of course, I can't help. But I wish she would have just shut up and let me try. Which is emotional and not sensible. But I'm okay with that. Being emotional isn't a bad thing, until all you hear is your emotions and they drown out common sense.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Sadness and Loneliness--And STP
Hi out there. As usual, it's been a little bit since I last posted, because it's been a busy semester, and to be honest it's a lot of work to sit and write and share my heart for something that doesn't really have any sort of following. Most of my friends don't even know about this. But tonight I just feel a little lonely, and I wanted to talk about it.
Specifically, I want to talk about how it's okay that I'm feeling lonely. I used to think that it was bad, that I shouldn't sit here and be lonely and be okay with it. But I am. I trust that the Lord is doing some great things in me, and that He has let me be lonely for His own good purposes. If it wasn't so late at night and I didn't have homework to do, I would find some Scripture that tells us why we can trust the Lord. He is faithful in all things, and He desires good for us. So yes, my heart is sad and lonely right now, and it has been for months, but I know that ultimately God will make His purpose known and be glorified. And until then, I think God won't be upset with me if I cry now and then.
OH! ALSO--I'm going back to STP this summer! If you read this and want to support me financially, you can give to me by following this link: Donate to Becca's STP
Specifically, I want to talk about how it's okay that I'm feeling lonely. I used to think that it was bad, that I shouldn't sit here and be lonely and be okay with it. But I am. I trust that the Lord is doing some great things in me, and that He has let me be lonely for His own good purposes. If it wasn't so late at night and I didn't have homework to do, I would find some Scripture that tells us why we can trust the Lord. He is faithful in all things, and He desires good for us. So yes, my heart is sad and lonely right now, and it has been for months, but I know that ultimately God will make His purpose known and be glorified. And until then, I think God won't be upset with me if I cry now and then.
OH! ALSO--I'm going back to STP this summer! If you read this and want to support me financially, you can give to me by following this link: Donate to Becca's STP
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Sweet Times with Sweet Friends
Hello Internet! Welcome to 2017!
This month has been a really good time for bonding between me and my roommates. When I came back to school after being home for the holidays, my roommate Katie and I literally sat up and talked until 2 am. And tonight we had some really sweet moments. We talked about the guy she likes, and I read her some of my poetry (which I literally never EVER do), and we laughed and talked until literally 12:30 am. I realized that I do have a close friend. I live with a woman who has taken the time to know me. She sees me in a way I can never understand, and I see her in a way that she doesn't get either. I feel so incredibly blessed to live with her. She is a good friend. Both of my roommates are, but she is especially great, especially tonight.
This month has been a really good time for bonding between me and my roommates. When I came back to school after being home for the holidays, my roommate Katie and I literally sat up and talked until 2 am. And tonight we had some really sweet moments. We talked about the guy she likes, and I read her some of my poetry (which I literally never EVER do), and we laughed and talked until literally 12:30 am. I realized that I do have a close friend. I live with a woman who has taken the time to know me. She sees me in a way I can never understand, and I see her in a way that she doesn't get either. I feel so incredibly blessed to live with her. She is a good friend. Both of my roommates are, but she is especially great, especially tonight.
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