One Week Left

So one week from today, I'll be at STP. And I don't really know how I'm feeling. I feel like I should be really excited. I mean, I'm going to be meeting tons of new people, and beginning what others have told me is going to be one of the best summers of my life. But at the same time, I'm seeing more and more clearly all the things I'm going to be missing. And honestly, I'm beginning to get cold feet. I know that God called me to go to STP, but at the moment it doesn't feel like it. It feels a lot more like I should have applied to be my church's intern. Although I know that's not true. Also, I'm not doing well with fundraising. I started late, and my mom and I didn't see eye to eye on the people I should send letters to, so I didn't send as many as I'd planned on. So I'm just not going to be very funded at all when I get there. And I have to drive myself all the way there from home, which is scary because I've never driven that far in my life, let alone by myself, which is what it's looking like at the moment. So yeah. Not doing super well as far as that's concerned.

And okay, I'll be honest. Today was not one of my best, certainly not one of my proudest days. I got into an argument with my mom and sister over basically nothing. Definitely nothing worth fighting about. It was just a rough day in general. I just feel like a complete mess. And honestly, I haven't been doing very well about spending time with the Lord. When I don't have a set schedule, a specific time to get up, to be somewhere, I find it so difficult to open my Bible and read it, or to spend time in prayer.  So basically, it's been a crazy, unpleasant sort of time. While I'm not super excited to be going to STP, especially alone, in my head, I'm looking forward to being back into some semblance of routine, and to being among lots of people who love the Lord.

Friends

I talk a lot about my friends, both new and old. I mean, unless you're a hermit, I feel like everybody knows how special friends are. I mean, family is the best. I love my family SO MUCH, but they don't choose you, you just kind of get stuck with them. And while C.S. Lewis makes the point that even your friendships are chosen for you by God, (and I wholeheartedly believe that to be true,) at the same time, we do choose our friends. We make decisions all the time that majorly affect the people who become our closest friends. We didn't make any decisions to be in our families, that was all God. Not to say that our friendships aren't all because of God too, but... I already addressed this (I hope) sufficiently.

Anyway, I'll give an example. I've talked about Abby several times. She's my Bible Study leader, and she discipled me this past semester. Abby is a really good friend of mine. We're pretty different, but we're also incredibly similar. But how I became friends with Abby is that I went to a Navs Welcome Week thing, and met her there. And we talked, And I don't know, at first, I didn't quite know what to make of her. But I did know that she was probably going to be leading my Bible Study because of what dorm I lived in. If I had decided to live in a different dorm, then she wouldn't have been my Bible Study leader. We wouldn't have gotten to know each other the way we did. And while I dearly love Melissa, (the other EDGE girl, and the leader of the other freshman girl B-Stud), I think one of the reasons I kept coming was because Abby was so different from me, whereas I feel like Melissa and I, at least in some more obvious ways, are more similar. Not that being similar or different to me is good or bad, but for whatever reason, I really wanted to get to know Abby because she was different from me. But anyway, the decisions I made, like choosing to live in my particular dorm, and choosing to go to Bible Study every week helped lead me to becoming friends with Abby. And of course, those are only the choices on my side of the process. Abby made choices that led us to becoming friends, too.

But anyway, in not very long, I'm headed to STP. And I honestly believe that choices I've already made are going to have an effect on the friends I'll come to have at STP. And while I'm TERRIFIED that I won't actually make any friends while I'm there, I also know that surely God has brought someone to STP who I'll be friends with by the end of the summer.

So yeah. That's my little STP freak out for the day.

Talk to you later!
Becca

OH! Wait! One last thing. A quick passage from the Old Testament about friendship.
"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

SGM Vid: Home at Last

So I've been home for a little while, and I'll be home a while yet, but I felt the need to talk about what it's been like. It's not very specific, and it's not exactly a terrific video, but here it is. 

I think God gave us homes for a reason. It's a place where you're comfortable, where you feel you truly belong, and if you're lucky, it's a place where the craziness of your normal life is somehow kept at bay. You can relax and enjoy whatever peace home affords. I think God is sort of like that. God has a place for each of His children, a place where we truly belong. And in God, we can find true peace. God is a refuge, like home is. Only better. Because, well, He's God. :) 

Nervously Freaking Out

Last night, I had a dream about STP. I leave in a little over two weeks, and I'm getting more and more nervous by the day. But last night I was having trouble sleeping, only getting five-ish hours in total. (Not because of STP, just because I'm me. I was frustrated at the way a couple things were going, even though I knew that was exactly what was going to happen.) Anyway, I woke up at 7:45, which is SO early for me, at least recently. And I had knots in my stomach. Like I said, I dreamed about STP, and it just got me REALLY nervous! And I have no real reason to be. I'm sure it's going to be a wonderful, amazing, God-filled experience, but I'm still TOTALLY freaking out! And then, because of those knots, I couldn't fall back asleep. I was just worrying about it. So I'm like... I'm really really nervous. I know it's all going to be okay. I'm sure everything will work out the way God wants it to, and I know He'll be with me, but for now, I'm still kind of nervous. Anyway, for now I'm praying for some peace, and that I can learn to better trust the Lord. Thanks for reading this, I needed to get all this off my chest.

Talk to you later!
Becca

Friendly Atheist dot com

 So hey. The other day, YouTube suggested a video for me by a channel called "The Atheist Voice." I watched the video, and then several more about atheism (on this same channel), and especially why Christians are wrong. And honestly, about some things I see where this guy is coming from. This guy says that "just have faith" are the most dangerous words (put together) that mankind has ever known. And because he's not religious, I get that. I mean, I am religious, and I struggle with that phrase. But especially if I wasn't religious, having people tell me to "just have faith" would definitely NOT convince me that their religion is right. In fact, just because of the kind of woman I am, I would be less inclined to participate in their religion, to really give it a chance, or to test it than I was before they said that.

Anyway, I've watched a bunch of his videos. And okay, while I was watching one of them, I started crying. Not because I was doubting my faith, because I don't think I've ever really lived doubt-free. I don't exactly know why I was crying. I think it may just be because I wish God was obvious to everyone. I think I cried because I know what living a life trying to ignore Him is like. I've watched the people around me live without any attempt to know God, and that just makes me sad. And maybe that makes me sound ignorant, especially to people who do live without any acknowledgement of God. But I'm okay with that. But I think part of it is because he reminded me of a really good friend from the beginning of high school who's an atheist. It's hard, at least it was for me, to really care about someone and also watch their disinterest in God.

And I don't have all the answers. I daresay I have the barest minimum of answers. I don't know what to say about a lot of different things, that Christianity itself is in conflict over. But I'm okay with it. I may not agree with a lot of Christians about a lot of things, but in the long run, there are only a few things that I would say are completely essentially necessary for Christianity. (Although, that's quite an over-simplification of the situation.) Anyway... yeah. He might test your faith, but if you're interested, the videos I watched were all from this YouTube channel: The Atheist Voice. Check it out if you like, or if not, that's great too! Anyway, thanks for reading this! I'll talk to you later!

Home

I'm home now. I've been home for a little while now, and it's been really nice. I've absolutely loved being here. But I also really miss my friends at school. I miss the life I had at school. I miss living in a room where the air can actually be cold, and the windows can actually be opened. I miss shower heads that are taller than me by more than an inch or two. But despite all the things I miss, it's so wonderful to be home. I'm so glad to be here. I have a room to myself, and a car I can drive, and friends to see, and the best hall-mate a girl could ask for (my brother). It's absolutely wonderful to be here, and while I miss those things at school, I'm realizing that this is the beginning of the end of my time to call this place "home." I mean, to the best of my knowledge, I won't be living here full-time much more, if I ever really do. So I'm just going to be so glad that I'm here, and living under the same roof as my parents and my brother, and thank the Lord that I've got this opportunity to be here for a while longer.

A Year of Lessons

"'Child,' said Aslan, in a gentler voice than he had yet used, 'perhaps you do not see quite as well as you think. But the first step is to remember.'"

That line comes from The Silver Chair, the sixth installment of C.S. Lewis's famed Chronicles of Narnia book series. It's from the beginning of the book, right before Aslan gives Jill the Four Signs. Now, if you haven't read the Narnia books, and this one in particular, I'm not going to say anything more about it, but the series as a whole is absolutely amazing and I highly recommend you read them. Those books impacted my life and my view of God and Christianity more than normal people might be inclined to believe.

Anyway, I was thinking earlier today about all the things I've learned and all the ways I've grown over the past year. And despite the fact that I know that I'm different, that I've matured and grown, especially in my faith, I couldn't pinpoint the actual changes, or tell you any of the specific lessons I've learned, or how I learned them. I mean, some of them, sure, I could tell you all about the lessons like, "Don't leave your laundry in the washer for hours or your dorm-mates will get mad at you and move them," but the real lessons, the important ones, are a lot more difficult to describe to people who don't know me, or who didn't know me before. I can't really describe them at all, but I think people can see them, if not in major ways, in little ways. I know I can see them.

So why did I feel the need to include that quote? Well, I think Lewis is spot on. We don't see what happens/happened/is happening as well as we think. We never do. But we should still remember the things we've experienced. And we should remember the people we used to be, and the people we used to know and love. And maybe by remembering, we can be prepared for the future. Just a thought, as I pack my life up into suitcases and boxes and finally head home from the semester in just a few more days. :)