Something about Spring

Guys, there's something about Spring that I just love. I mean, sitting out on the grass, enjoying the afternoon sun, reading a book, or writing prosetry. It's just so awesome. I love Springs. The flowers are blooming and the days get longer and warmer and the grass finally remembers that it's supposed to be green, and I'm no longer the only person wearing chacos. It's a good time of year. But also, I've seen some of the most beautiful skies lately. I don't know why, I guess God is just showing me more of His beauty. I kind of love the sky. I also love light and darkness and water, but I LOVE the sky. I think I accidentally stole that from my sister. She spent so much time talking about how much she loves the sky that I sort of absorbed her feelings. But I don't mind. The sky truly is SO beautiful! I totally TOTALLY love it!!! But I love spring in general. It's a great time of year. It's the time of year of new beginnings. I feel like anything could happen during spring. I love it. Nothing seems as awful during spring. God gives so much peace and contentment, despite the allergies that come along with this time of year. And I'm so excited that it's begun! I've spent a couple afternoons just relaxing outside, thinking or writing or whatever, and let me tell you, it's awesome. It's great. I can't wait to do it tomorrow, too!

Some Thoughts on Dating, Marriage, and Love Languages

So hey there. I have some thoughts on dating. I'm 19 years old, and I have never been on a date before. For a long long time, that really bothered me. But this week, I talked to a girl a couple years older than me. We actually were talking about dating/marriage on the car trip up to Chicago. Her name is Ashley. She said something along the lines of "The thing about break-ups is that they leave scars that never go completely away. And every break up's scar will have an effect on your marriage. So not dating many people is really a good thing." That was really encouraging to me. I'm really glad she said that, because, never having had a boyfriend, and having a lot of friends who have dated, some who have dated a lot, has been an incredibly discouraging feeling. In my experience, having a boyfriend is a mark of status among girls, and never having had one has definitely made me feel like a girl of lower status than even my best friends. But really, now that I'm where I am, I'm happy for it.

I also have some thoughts about marriage. My buddy Paul said to me "Have you ever noticed how the only people to say 'Not everyone is called to marriage' are the people who are already married?" And here's my thought. I listened to a Tim Keller Q&A thing with his wife about Singleness, and Kathy, his wife talked about her desire to be married for many years before she met Tim. She said that she only found Tim when she finally gave her desire for marriage to the Lord. And I've been thinking a lot about that, especially lately because I'm at an age where a lot of girls I knew in high school are getting engaged, married, and/or having kids. Also, I kind of think I know what kind of man I want to marry. But here's my thought on what Mrs. Keller said. I've tried to "give it to God," but I never could figure out how to "give it" to Him. The way that's phrased makes it sound like your desire for marriage goes away. But that's not the way this works. I've also been struggling with surrendering things to the Lord. Things like, my future and my desire for marriage. Surrendering is different than giving, though. To me, giving means it goes away from me, that I no longer have it, but surrendering means putting whatever it is under a different authority than my own. I can't "give" God my desires. Nothing I do has been able to rid me of them, and I don't necessarily think that God wants me to be rid of them. I think He gives us certain desires. But surrendering my desire for marriage is very different. It's saying that God is in control of my desire. He tells me how to use it, how to follow it. He determines how it's fulfilled. Which is I think a very important thing. So that's what's up with that.

Lastly, on the car trip up to Chicago, we discussed our love languages. Everyone in my car's primary love language is quality time, including me. But I noticed this week that often, it depends on circumstances. With my friends, I feel loved through quality time. But I show love through words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts.And I noticed this week with the little girl I worked with at the after-school program that when she did well, I was inclined to brush back her hair and pat her shoulder, etc. to show her love. So I've decided that it's much more simple than a simple quiz can tell me. And I've never had a boyfriend, so I don't really know my romantic love language. I think I'll have to find out. Although, ideally my first boyfriend will also one day be my husband. That's the dream. So yeah. Those are my thoughts on dating, marriage, and love languages. :)

Also, I'm 19 years old now, so that's kinda crazy.

ChicaGoVols 2K15

So y'all. For real. This week has been one of the most incredible of my life. God has really been stretching me, and using me, and working in me in some amazing ways that I don't even think I can really describe. So brief recap of the trip. We drove down last Sunday, we rode in cars of four to six people. My car was totally awesome. I honestly love the people in my car SO MUCH! Like, for REAL. In a slightly different way than I love the rest of the people on the trip. We had some serious conversations, and I feel like I know their hearts better than anyone else on the trip. Not to say that I love them better, because I don't. But I do love them differently. But anyway, after the car ride down, we were split into teams, I was on Team C!!! We worked every afternoon Monday to Thursday at an after-school program for kids in the area. It meets in the church we were sleeping in. It was amazing. I got to tell a little girl about Jesus. It was awesome. And God really used that experience to show me not only how much I lack patience and perseverance, but also a taste of how much patience He must have for us, which was kind of amazing. We spent our mornings doing different things, from manual labor to serving others to just talking to other college students. It was a really amazing trip. Another week of perfect moments, too.

CHICAGO!!!!

HEY YALL!!

I'm pretty pumped!! I'm leaving for Chicago in less than 48 hours!!! The Navigators is taking a trip up there to work with some ministries in the city, and I'm super excited!!!!! I'm pretty pumped, partially because I don't really know what's going to happen, and partially because I know how much God can use trips like this for His glory, which makes me SUPER excited!!! And I also know how bonding these trips can be. And since I don't know most of the people going very well, I'm pretty pumped to be getting to know at least some of them! Like, there's this guy I've never even seen or heard of before who's riding in the same car as me, as well as a girl I kind of know and one of the staff guys (who's driving). This is going to be a pretty awesome trip, I can already tell!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Stressful Days Abound

So its been kind of a stressful week. My printer stopped working, and naturally I had a half dozen things to be printed this week. And I have a paper due and a lab due and a math exam all today. But this morning, after my math exam (which I'm feeling pretty confident about, thank You, Lord!) I walked to my next class, Medieval Civ, and because I finished the exam early, I got to walk more leisurely and enjoy how beautiful today is. We've had some gross weather around here lately, and it's so nice to be able to enjoy the warmth and the beautiful sunlight. I'm so glad God gave us sunlight. It makes for so many beautiful days.

Sharing the Bridge! And other fun things!

So hey there!

Navs has this tool for evangelism called "The Bridge" and today (and by today, I mean Tuesday, March 10) we went out on campus and shared it with random strangers! It was really really scary! But after Abby shared with some random guy, she made me share with this other random guy. His name was Jonah. I didn't do a very good job with it, but he was really nice about it all. He is a Christian and was pretty familiar with what we were talking about, and he seemed kind of interested in maybe joining us at Navs on Thursday. He's a sophomore, and random fact about him? HE SHARES MY BIRTHDAY! Which is coming up in a couple weeks!! It's pretty exciting stuff! But yeah, I laughed a lot, cause I'm a nervous laugher, but it was great. Abby helped me, and it all worked out. I think God really used me, and also brought us to exactly the right people we were meant to share with!

So also, it's Tuesday, so normally we would have had Bible study. Well, we randomly decided to go bowling. Now, I'm kind of a stick in the mud, so I refused to bowl, but I watched everyone else, and cheered on #TeamPalindrome. It was a lot of fun. I just really enjoyed spending time hanging out with these folks. Also, we're leaving for Chicago in less than a WEEK! We're going there for Spring Break, and I'm SUPER PUMPED!!! I can't wait! So yeah, that's what's going down with me! I would really appreciate some prayers for our safety as we travel to and from and in and around Chicago, and that as we share God's word, that we would really touch the hearts and lives of the people we encounter.

So yeah, thanks for reading! I love you!
Becca

After those "perfect moments"

Hey y'all!

So I've been thinking about yesterday's video, and about that perfect moments kind of afternoon. Afterwards, I had this sort of longing for something, and I didn't really know what. But I've been thinking and I think I was kind of right. I think I said that God gave me a taste of heaven yesterday, and I really really think that's it. I mean, what else would make sense, right? After a beautiful afternoon with some great friends and pure wholesome fun, wouldn't it make sense for me to long for that? And I kind of think heaven will be like that, except without the longing. I'm kind of super excited for the day I make it there. I don't know about y'all, but I think it's a day worth celebrating.

Anyway, yeah... That's what's up. Love you!
Becca

SGM Vid: A Perfect Moments kind of day

So I posted a couple years ago about perfect moments I experienced, and looking back, I don't know if those moments were perfect, but I think they were as close as they come. And today, I had another one. So here I go, talking about it.

Like I said, I don't know if perfect moment are actually possible, but I definitely got a taste of what a perfect moment might be like. God really gave me a blessing in today.

Love you!
Becca

A Crush on God??? And one other thing...

Hey yall!

So I was just on Project Inspired's website (linked here), and I read this post about what it means to know God. The woman who wrote it said to look at knowing God like a crush, and honestly, I TOTALLY love that idea! So I just want to say something about that. In the Bible, we, as the church are described as the bride of Christ. All throughout the Old and New Testaments, there's this frequent analogy of us being the bride, and God redeeming us. So looking at getting to know God as a crush is a really cool idea, if you ask me. I mean, think about it. When you have a crush, you talk to them a lot, and you try to find out their likes and dislikes, what makes them laugh and what upsets them, you find out about their family and friends, what kind of things they have planned for their future (or at least recently, that's one I've kind of found to be important!). I think that's kind of a great way to do it. I mean, when you accept His gift of grace and salvation, you're also submitting yourself to Him, and promising to get to know who He is better and better. So you talk to God. And you find out what He likes and dislikes, what His family and friends were like. You look to see what He has planned. I think this is TOTALLY awesome. I was once told that we should live, not just like we love Jesus, but like we're really IN LOVE WITH Jesus. I really like that, but having never really been in love, thinking of it as having a crush on God works pretty well too. So yeah, there's my two cents on the matter.

Also, I really want to tell you about something that happened to me today. I got my email, accepting me to attend STP, which if I haven't yet mentioned it, is a Navigators Summer Training Program. I'm SUPER pumped, and also totally terrified. I mean, this'll be amazing, but also definitely challenging. And I have to accept SOON. So yeah! Pray for me, please! I love you guys!

Talk to you soon!
Becca

The Truth of Words

OK. So I know that I said in multiple videos that my friend said some really mean things to me and didn't feel sorry for it. I am willing to admit that I was wrong. I mean, I wasn't exactly wrong. She wasn't sorry for it, but she also didn't see the pain she'd caused me (which is it's own other thing that I probs won't talk about ever), so she's in the clear.

But anyway, here's the story. I was about to head to WalGreens, and texted her to see if she was in our dorm. She said she was, so I stopped by her room. I sat down and said, "I wanted to talk to you about something, and I don't think you'll like it." My hands were shaking. She looked at me with her eyes widened. "OK..." she responded. I said "The other day, you said somethings that were pretty upsetting. You said you question why we're friends, and you think most of the things that come out of my mouth are annoying. That really hurt me, especially because I am having trouble making friends, and I do worry about people finding me annoying." She responded, "I didn't mean it seriously. I was just kidding, because we get on each other's nerves sometimes. You know. There's no reason for us not to be friends." We talked about it for another minute, and then she said, "Yeah, I'm sorry Becca." I told her it was okay, and I went on my way. And it was okay. I've forgiven her. But I'll be honest, part of me still hurts. Those words still echo in my mind, and the sting hasn't really stopped yet. And I know that part of that is because her words, while not meant unkindly, had a grain of truth in them. Her words reinforce my own feelings of inadequacy and my loneliness, and this feeling like I don't have any friends because I'm annoying and weird. Her words make me want to keep everyone at arms length, so they don't see the truth of who I am, that I am someone who's annoying, and not worth being friends with.

Now I think about my own friendships with people. I know I say things jokingly that aren't meant to be unkind, but can definitely be construed that way. I would hate to learn that something I said stuck with someone and really cemented their insecurities. I don't want a mine to be a legacy of pain.

So this is kind of a two-part situation. First, I really saw God in how, when I went to talk to Emory, she didn't get upset with me, but instead was kind to me when I told her about how what she said hurt me. Second, I think God spoke to me through this whole situation. He reminded me to always speak "with grace, as though seasoned with salt," (Colossians 4:6) because I want to live producing the fruits of the Spirit, which are listed in Galatians 5:22-23 (They are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.) So yeah. That's what's up.

Love you!
Becca

Confessing my Struggles

OK, so I posted a video about this, like, maybe an hour ago, but I have something else I want to say about that. In general, I want to be seen as a strong woman. Mentally and emotionally strong. (I don't really care about physical strength for myself, I know I'm not strong.) So I don't like talking about my feelings. I always feel bad when I do. I feel stupid and weak when I talk about my feelings, when I talk about my grief and my pain and my struggles. But let me tell you something. Galatians 6:2 says "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."  James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." Guys, I think we're supposed to talk to each other about our struggles, and our difficulties. I think Satan doesn't like it when we do. Because in Ecclesiastes it says "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up." (That's Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). For me, and my own sin, I have Abby, who not only is encouraging me to work to improve, but who also will help me get back up when I fall. So yeah. I think it's important that we share. And I'm going to try to be better about that.

SGM Vid: Being Honest about my Struggles

OK. So this is kind of a tough video for me to re-watch, so I don't know how bad I look or sound. But I was being honest. So I hope you guys can appreciate that for what it is.

Love you!
Becca

P.S. I know I've done a lot of these (three so far, in two days) but no worries, I promise I'll chill with the videos soon.

Just some thoughts on Self-Esteem

So here's the deal. I wrote this up late last night, and while it doesn't read very well, I also don't want to change it, because that's just honestly how I felt, and changing it might change the feelings it communicates. So I apologize that it's confusing, but hang through it, and as always, feel free to comment if you have questions, comments, etc.

Okay, so maybe I have more self-esteem issues than I'm normally willing to admit, and definitely more than I'm ever willing to share with other people. But I'm being honest right now. So here's the deal. I'm really afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid that people won't really like me. There's this guy at Navs, he's actually staff, and I think he's absolutely awesome. I really really do. He's dating my Bible study leader, and I have so much respect for him. But whenever it's just me and him, I feel like I'm not good enough for him to like me, and I feel like I'm not funny enough, or old enough, or smart enough for him to think I'm someone worth talking to. It's not like I need him to like me, but I do want him to like me because I love his girlfriend, and I hope I'll be friends with her for years, and I kind of expect that they'll get married. But anyway, I kind of rant. But that's just one example. I still barely have any friends because I'm too afraid to talk to people who already have friends because who needs anymore? Who except me? And yes, I'm a woman, so let's talk about self-image. I'm almost 19 years old, and there has never ever been a guy who has really shown any romantic interest in me. I feel like I'm not girly enough, and not short enough, and definitely not skinny enough or strong enough for any guy to want to date me, let alone kiss me or eventually marry me. I'm so afraid that I'll end up all alone for the rest of my life. And not that being alone is really a bad thing, but the thought of never finding someone to love and share my life with is so sad. But yeah, I try to hide these insecurities, especially about the way I look. Most of the time I don't really worry about it. I mean, I'm not exactly too bad to look at. And I can walk with confidence into a room if I need to. But somewhere within me, I do wonder sometimes, especially when I'm all alone, late at night, or when I'm listening to my friends recount their most recent epic romance, if I'm pretty enough, smart enough, etc. for someone to want me.

And like, OK, I'll be honest, I tell myself all the time that I'm too strong to care, and most of me doesn't, but there is this nagging voice in my head that says "oh yes you do, Rebecca. You do care, and you can't forget it!" And no matter how much the rest of me rejects it, I can't silence that voice. Until I listen to God's voice. Because God's voice far overpowers that tiny little voice in my head. God loves me, even though He knows better than anyone just how broken, how weak, how imperfect, how ugly I am on the inside. Rich Mullins said, "God takes the junk of our lives and turns it into the most beautiful art." And that's totally the deal. God takes those ugliest parts of us and makes them beautiful. 

So yeah. I wrote that last night around 11:30, and while it isn't written well, it appropriately expresses my views and feelings on the subject of self-esteem. Take from it what you will. I just wanted to share it, because I think it's important to discuss it at least once. I don't talk a lot about my own self-esteem, and I think I should at least share it with the internet, if not with real people. 

Thanks for holding on through that one! 

Becca

SGM Vid: Forgiveness: Difficult and Very Very Important

Hey there internet!

So I made another video, this one about forgiving people who hurt me. I mention two of the biggest pains I've felt over the past couple years or so (I actually don't know how long ago one of these things happened, but, you get the idea...) and the people who caused them, and especially their lack of apology. But it doesn't matter whether they apologize or not, I still need to forgive them, and I wish that I had. But I'm not sure if I have or not...

Anyway, I hope you appreciate my video. It's more about my struggle with my own sinful nature, and a lot less about seeking God, but there's a little bit about that in here, too.

Love,
Becca

Ephesians 4:32 
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. 
NASB

SGM VIDEO BLOG?? OH YEAH!

Hey ya'll!

So I made a video! And I'm thinking I'm gonna keep making videos! I know the quality is pretty rough, and maybe one day I'll get a real camera, but for now, my laptop's webcam will have to suffice. Anyway, now you know what I look and sound like! Crazy stuff, I know! Anyway, I entitled this video "SGM: Even when the feeling's gone..." I hope you appreciate it! And I really hope that it says something to you. Well, I'll talk to you later!

Love, Becca

P.S. Sorry I didn't post much in February, I'm going to try to be more frequent in my posts, but I'm not promising anything!