So here's the deal. I wrote this up late last night, and while it doesn't read very well, I also don't want to change it, because that's just honestly how I felt, and changing it might change the feelings it communicates. So I apologize that it's confusing, but hang through it, and as always, feel free to comment if you have questions, comments, etc.
Okay,
so maybe I have more self-esteem issues than I'm normally willing to admit, and
definitely more than I'm ever willing to share with other people. But I'm being
honest right now. So here's the deal. I'm really afraid of being rejected. I'm
afraid that people won't really like me. There's this guy at Navs, he's
actually staff, and I think he's absolutely awesome. I really really do. He's
dating my Bible study leader, and I have so much respect for him. But whenever
it's just me and him, I feel like I'm not good enough for him to like me, and I
feel like I'm not funny enough, or old enough, or smart enough for him to think
I'm someone worth talking to. It's not like I need him to like me, but I do
want him to like me because I love his girlfriend, and I hope I'll be friends
with her for years, and I kind of expect that they'll get married. But anyway,
I kind of rant. But that's just one example. I still barely have any friends
because I'm too afraid to talk to people who already have friends because who
needs anymore? Who except me? And yes, I'm a woman, so let's talk about
self-image. I'm almost 19 years old, and there has never ever been a guy who
has really shown any romantic interest in me. I feel like I'm not girly enough,
and not short enough, and definitely not skinny enough or strong enough for any
guy to want to date me, let alone kiss me or eventually marry me. I'm so afraid
that I'll end up all alone for the rest of my life. And not that being alone is
really a bad thing, but the thought of never finding someone to love and share
my life with is so sad. But yeah, I try to hide these insecurities, especially
about the way I look. Most of the time I don't really worry about it. I mean,
I'm not exactly too bad to look at. And I can walk with confidence into a room
if I need to. But somewhere within me, I do wonder sometimes, especially when
I'm all alone, late at night, or when I'm listening to my friends recount their
most recent epic romance, if I'm pretty enough, smart enough, etc. for someone
to want me.
And like, OK, I'll
be honest, I tell myself all the time that I'm too strong to care, and most of
me doesn't, but there is this nagging voice in my head that says "oh yes
you do, Rebecca. You do care, and you can't forget it!" And no matter how
much the rest of me rejects it, I can't silence that voice. Until I listen to
God's voice. Because God's voice far overpowers that tiny little voice in my
head. God loves me, even though He knows better than anyone just how broken,
how weak, how imperfect, how ugly I am on the inside. Rich Mullins said,
"God takes the junk of our lives and turns it into the most beautiful
art." And that's totally the deal. God takes those ugliest parts of us and
makes them beautiful.
So yeah. I wrote that last night around 11:30, and while it isn't written well, it appropriately expresses my views and feelings on the subject of self-esteem. Take from it what you will. I just wanted to share it, because I think it's important to discuss it at least once. I don't talk a lot about my own self-esteem, and I think I should at least share it with the internet, if not with real people.
Thanks for holding on through that one!
Becca
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