The Truth of Words

OK. So I know that I said in multiple videos that my friend said some really mean things to me and didn't feel sorry for it. I am willing to admit that I was wrong. I mean, I wasn't exactly wrong. She wasn't sorry for it, but she also didn't see the pain she'd caused me (which is it's own other thing that I probs won't talk about ever), so she's in the clear.

But anyway, here's the story. I was about to head to WalGreens, and texted her to see if she was in our dorm. She said she was, so I stopped by her room. I sat down and said, "I wanted to talk to you about something, and I don't think you'll like it." My hands were shaking. She looked at me with her eyes widened. "OK..." she responded. I said "The other day, you said somethings that were pretty upsetting. You said you question why we're friends, and you think most of the things that come out of my mouth are annoying. That really hurt me, especially because I am having trouble making friends, and I do worry about people finding me annoying." She responded, "I didn't mean it seriously. I was just kidding, because we get on each other's nerves sometimes. You know. There's no reason for us not to be friends." We talked about it for another minute, and then she said, "Yeah, I'm sorry Becca." I told her it was okay, and I went on my way. And it was okay. I've forgiven her. But I'll be honest, part of me still hurts. Those words still echo in my mind, and the sting hasn't really stopped yet. And I know that part of that is because her words, while not meant unkindly, had a grain of truth in them. Her words reinforce my own feelings of inadequacy and my loneliness, and this feeling like I don't have any friends because I'm annoying and weird. Her words make me want to keep everyone at arms length, so they don't see the truth of who I am, that I am someone who's annoying, and not worth being friends with.

Now I think about my own friendships with people. I know I say things jokingly that aren't meant to be unkind, but can definitely be construed that way. I would hate to learn that something I said stuck with someone and really cemented their insecurities. I don't want a mine to be a legacy of pain.

So this is kind of a two-part situation. First, I really saw God in how, when I went to talk to Emory, she didn't get upset with me, but instead was kind to me when I told her about how what she said hurt me. Second, I think God spoke to me through this whole situation. He reminded me to always speak "with grace, as though seasoned with salt," (Colossians 4:6) because I want to live producing the fruits of the Spirit, which are listed in Galatians 5:22-23 (They are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.) So yeah. That's what's up.

Love you!
Becca