To Whoever You Are Who Reads This Blog:

Hey there! I know who I've told about this blog, and that list is very short. I feel kind of weird telling people that I tell the internet all about them, so I haven't told many people. But somehow, you people actually keep looking at it. I don't know if you guys read my posts, or if you just get on every now and again, but I really appreciate it. It's actually really encouraging to get on and see that I have even one or two page views. And it seems like every time I get on, I have a couple more. I seriously appreciate that you even look at my blog now and then. So thanks guys, whoever you are! Especially if we're friends, because I'm sure it's weird reading what I have to say about you. So thanks so much! Have a great evening!!!

By The Time You Read This, One of My Faves Will Be ENGAGED!!!!

One of my best friends here at school, my Bible study leader Abby is getting ENGAGED tomorrow!!! I'm SO excited for her!! Actually, I'm excited for both of them, Abby and her boyfriend/fiance/fellow EDGEr Matt. (In case you didn't realize, I'm writing this on Wednesday, but he's proposing tomorrow, which is Thursday, so this has to wait until then, I can't post it before that because she knows about my blog, and I would HATE to spoil the surprise!) I'm SO SO excited for them!!!! Fact is, Abby is one of the sweetest women I've ever met, let alone met here at school, and she deserves to be so very happy, and I know Matt makes her happy. And Matt is a really nice guy, and I don't really know him terribly well, but I know what Abby has told me of him, and because of that, I know just how great a guy he is. And I know that he's a good, godly man, which is just exactly as it ought to be, and which makes me SO VERY happy for them both!! Because Abby is also a good, godly woman. Anyway, this is all kind of random and fuzzy and random. I get a little carried away with my writing when I'm excited.
Recap: I'm super excited, because Matt and Abby are going to be engaged by the time this blog post goes online, which is absolutely WONDERFUL! Abby is wonderful and amazing and deserves to be happy, and Matt is fantastic and awesome and makes Abby happy, and I know she makes him happy too, just by the way he looks at her. I'm thrilled for them both. And I refuse to trim any of the mess in the first paragraph because the confusion expresses my excitement for them.
But anyway, I want to say one more thing. I am convinced by the way their lives worked out that God planned for them to be together, and not only does that strengthen my faith in that God really does affect our real, day to day lives in major ways, (which, I'll be honest, I sometimes doubt), but also that His timing is perfect! Which as I frequently discuss, I often struggle to believe. But it's true, and this is just further evidence to show that. And maybe one day, when God's timing is right, I'll meet my future husband.
But anyway, AHHHH!!!! I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!! Congratulations Matt and Abby!!!! Consider this a giant electronic hug to you both, because I don't know if I'll see you again before STP!!!! I love you guys a ton!!!!!!

Finals: Day 1

So I took my first final of the semester this morning. It was... well I'll be honest, it was pretty rough. But I lived through it. And my professor is giving all of us some free points just because he's lazy, so that was great. But something else happened. After my first final this morning (I had two today, of sorts) I posted on Facebook about said final being over, and how I have several left to do before I get to go home. And one of my really good friends/former Youth Minister commented "Prayed for you!" That really hit me. It was a reminder to me that there are people out there who love me, and care enough about me to bring the things that stress and concern me to the Lord. People who lift their voices in prayer for me. That's really humbling. Why am I special enough that someone would pray for me? I find myself in awe at this. There are people out there who really love me that much. Honestly, I don't understand. But I'm so grateful. I'm so glad God put people like that into my life.

An Unfortunate Use for the Internet

So in recent times, I've seen a lot of things on Facebook and Twitter that really piqued my interest, and more than that, really made my blood boil. A lot of people use the internet to progress their own agenda, and sometimes even to propagate fights, anger, and general unpleasantness with no real good attached. And a lot of people think that because they write out their own personal views of something that everyone will read it and have their minds changed because of it.

I have a lot of dear friends who post things on the internet (by which I mean social media) that just infuriate me, and make me want to reply via comment in anger. Sometimes, (although certainly not always, probably not even frequently) I may be just in my anger, but just as my mind won't be changed by an angry fool spouting his beliefs online, his mind also won't be changed by my angry words, or any words I use for that matter.

The trouble with these sorts of posts is that all that happens is people get angrier and angrier with each reply. If these conversations aren't happening person to person, and only occur online, do I really have to feel anything about this opinion that opposes mine? The opinion is just words on a screen, it isn't attached to a living, breathing human being, worthy of respect and the love of Christ.

My point is that when you talk about these controversies online, (especially in a social media environment) you're naturally creating a place for people to vent their anger/outrage/disdain/whatever without feeling the consequences of disrespecting those who disagree (whether or not they're actually being disrespectful). And while I'm not saying that we should stop using the internet as a place to talk about real life issues and situations and circumstances and controversies, I just want to issue a word of caution before you post about, or comment on posts about, these hot topics. (This word of caution is for me as much as, if not more than for anyone else. It's a bit of a struggle for me!) I think when we post online, we should try to be pleasing to God just as much as the words we speak or the things we do, and we need to remember that there is another person on the receiving end of our words.

And maybe this idea of posting things on the internet and hoping someone's mind will be changed vaguely describes what this very blog is all about. But I write out of love, and a desire to be honest about things that I'm normally a little afraid of being honest about. I don't want to have some things bottled up inside me forever. And I hope the things I post don't make anyone terribly angry or upset. That is not my intention. Ever.

First Day of Finals Week

So today begins the dreaded "Finals Week," and I must say, I don't love it. I mean, it's really nice not having to get up at 6 am every morning to walk to a class across campus that I sit through with nothing to gain from being there, except that attendance is mandatory. And I enjoy not having to change out of my pyjamas for days if I like. But something about finals week, about sitting in my room prepping for my impromptu speech tomorrow (or marathon-watching Chuck as it may be), is actually pretty sad. Other than the occasional, "bless you" from my roommate, I don't really talk to people during finals. But last night I got to do exactly that, which was awesome.

Yesterday was a study day, which means that no classes were held, and I got to chill in my room all day, working on a paper for English, watching Chuck, and studying for my Medieval Civ final. Last night, my roommate's boyfriend was over and they made coffee, which normally doesn't bother me, but for whatever reason, last night I got the biggest headache from the coffee smell (even though that hasn't happened in years). I went out to sit in the elevator lobby and call some people from home, but no one picked up. But a girl from my hall came upon me and sat down next to me and we got to talking. It was really fun to sit and chat with her and just have fun. I really enjoyed it. It was nice to have a real conversation with a real human about real things. So that was great. Despite my strong introversion, I like feeling connected with people.

So yeah, I guess that's it. I'm really glad that God brought me out of my secret introverted hole for a little while to talk to a really sweet girl on my hall.

Kind of random...

A week or two after spring break, I was feeling... confused by a few things, and so before Nav night I took a long quiet time to just talk to God, and listen to Him, and just be alone with my thoughts for a while, without the distraction of a laptop or cell phone. Anyway, I had been sitting outside, but it started raining, and I went inside to the building where we have Navs and just watched the rain fall for a while. And I wrote this:

I can feel His power
   as the wind whips my hair around my face
   as the raindrops pelt my skin
I feel His power, yes, the strength of His might
   in the crackle of lightning and thunder's roar

I can see His love,
   in the bloom of the dandelion
   in the peaceful blue sky
   in the friendships He has given me
I can see His love all around me

I am awed by His joy
   in the warm sun's rays
   in the beautiful bubbling brook
   in the glorious cloud
His joy is amazing. 

I am entranced by His passion,
   when He paints the sky at sunset
   when His laws produce a flame
   when He touches my loved ones through me
I am enraptured with His passion. 

I am so incredibly amazed at His power, in drawing me near, at the joy He has in me, and in the passionate love He has for me. I almost can't believe it. 

So yeah. I just read that and was deeply touched. Sometimes I really question His love for me, and whether He finds joy in me, and to see something that I personally wrote, that I remember specifically writing about how He feels, and how I knew in that moment that it was true is really comforting to me. And I hope my words can remind you as well of the love God has for you, and the joy He finds in you. 

Last Nav Night :(

The semester is drawing to a close, and just as on Tuesday we had our last FRESH, tonight we had our last Nav Night. :(. Until tonight, I didn't realize how much I love coming together and worshiping with these people, several of whom I don't really even know. I mean, I definitely knew that I loved Navs, and that I love Nav Night talks and singing at Navs, and all that, but just the act of going and being together with people and worshiping with them, and being unified in that is so great. I feel like I really have a family in Navs. At After Navs, (where we all go to a restaurant and eat together after Nav Night), I was looking around the table, and while I may not have known every person at the table super well, or even really a little, I still felt like I belonged. And I felt loved. I have friends here at Navs. I'm sorry to see it end.

One other thing about Navs all semester, that I really noticed especially tonight. Nick, our campus director, is very very open about his life. He talks about his struggles, his problems, his faults, he talks about his relationship with his wife, and the places that he falls short in their marriage, he just speaks so honestly to us. And I mentioned it long ago, (I read it a couple years ago at church in a small group) but I'm re-reading this book  by Kyle Idleman called not a fan. about living as a completely dedicated follower of Christ, and in it, he says this: "living in the power of the Spirit means shining a light on our weaknesses." And I think that Nick is really good at doing that. In fact, Abby is also really good at it. She's also very honest about her weaknesses. And I'm jealous of that. I'm so jealous of it. Because I think that one thing that I struggle with is lying, even to myself, about my weaknesses. I don't physically wear make-up, but it's like my spirit is wearing make-up, trying to hide all my flaws, and I've gotten so good at putting it on that even to me, my weaknesses are basically non-existent. But here are Nick and Abby and Kayley all standing here, clean-faced, showing me their real faces, from their blond eyelashes to their reddish, splotchy skin, to the zits that dot their forehead and chin. And they can see through my makeup, even though I can't. Now, that's not a perfect metaphor. I do see a lot of my weaknesses, but at the same time, I don't. It's kind of hard to explain. I know that I'm flawed, and that I sin regularly, but my actual "weaknesses" are a little harder to pin down. So this summer, I think I want to try and change that. In fact, this is about to go on my list of hopes/dreams/goals for the summer. So yeah. Last Nav Night. It's a bittersweet moment, but God is definitely a part of it.

Last FRESH

So tonight was our last FRESH, which makes me SO SAD!! I literally cried a couple of times. (In fact, as I've been writing this post, I've been bawling my eyes out!) I just want to say how much this year of spending time with these women has meant to me. I've really come to love each of the women I've been reading John with. Abby and Kayley have been wonderful leaders, I'm so thankful God chose them to lead our study! I think He put me with them for a reason, and I'm so very glad He did.

It hasn't been an easy year of Bible Study. I've had doubts and fears, and I've struggled with a lot of sins. I've been distracted from God by all sorts of things. But despite all of that, God has really been good to me. He's blessed me so much through these women. So I guess I kind of want to say something about each of them.

First, Abby is just so sweet. In a lot of ways, we're really different, but I think that if we were more similar, I wouldn't have kept coming. She's crazy and extroverted and so excited and enthusiastic about everything, and I just love her SO MUCH! Also, she's just been so encouraging to me in my walk. I feel like I can tell her anything, and I know she won't just love me in spite of it, but she'll encourage me, and help me deal with it.
Kayley is a little more like me than Abby is. She's pretty conservative, and blunt, and she's also very honest about her own fears, failures and doubts. And she really pushes us to see what the Word is telling us about God, and how we can apply that to our lives. I love Kayley so much TOO!!!
Now for the other freshies like me. First, there's Abigail, who I have loved getting to know personally! She has reminded me that sometimes, it's TOTALLY okay to cry!! Which may not sound like it, but that's actually REALLY encouraging to me! I don't like when people see me cry. Susanna is great, she's so open and excited and honest, which I love! Anabel is absolutely wonderful, just because she's herself. I don't really know anyone like Anabel, and honestly, I have this secret desire to basically be her best friend. Jessie is the girl I would say I know best in the group, and I really really love her. She's so sweet, but she's also very honest and real with our group. She's less teary than Abigail, but she's just as honest and heart-felt. And Maddy Staff, who wasn't there tonight, :(, is so awesome! She's so energetic, and also very real. She's just wonderful. I don't know how else to say it. And that's true of every girl who I've mentioned. There are so many qualities that I just can't express adequately in words about each of these women, and I just love them so much!!!! God has blessed me SO MUCH through these women!

One other thing about tonight. Tonight, Abby and Kayley washed our feet, out of love and as an act of service to us. That was just absolutely one of the sweetest things ever!! Feet are kind of gross and smelly, and although I don't have a particular aversion to feet, I know mine in particular are pretty gross looking. It was so beautiful, and I just... there aren't really words to describe what that meant. It just... It takes a very special woman to humble herself and wash the feet of a bunch of freshman girls, and both Abby and Kayley did that. It's been a good year.

SGM Vid: Summer Bummers and Summer Joys!

Hey there! So I made another video about my summer plans. I'm going to a Navs STP this summer, which I've mentioned before, but I really just wanted to talk about some of the things I'll be missing, which make me sad, but also some things I'm really looking forward to. I feel like I've talked about this a lot, but it's something that's really been on my heart a lot, too. So yeah. Enjoy!

P.S. Enjoy the weird thumbnail. I tried to change it, but technology and I are only friends in the vaguest sense of the word.

Sometimes it's the Little Things

So I've been realizing something about this blog, and I don't know that it's a bad thing, but it is something I want to address. And here it is: I tend to post right after I've been spending time with people from Navs, or right after I've been really focusing on God, or having a conversation about Him, or whatever. Which is great, I mean, I think it's important to acknowledge God's presence in all those big moments. But you kind of expect to see God in those moments. For example, this afternoon I got together with Abby and we talked about fundraising for STP, and just as I expected, God used Abby to calm some of my worries about fundraising, and to encourage me just in general. But God is also present in the little things, like this morning I had a paper due, but I hadn't printed it out yet because I didn't finish it until last night when my roommate had already gone to bed, and I was worried that I would have to print it while my roommate was still asleep, or worse, that I would have to rush back to my dorm between classes and print it, but sure enough, after I went to the bathroom to change and brush my teeth, Amanda had woken up, so I could print without fear of disturbing her rest. And the other day, I was feeling kind of under-appreciated, and a random guy I don't know held the door open for me and insisted I go through it first. Sometimes, God is working in all the little things that happen, and I think it's pretty important to acknowledge those moments too. So here's to all the little things God does for us, even when we don't really realize it!

Kind of Terrified Right Now

So my English teacher is really REALLY mad at my class. On Friday we had this assignment due, and he's been pretty lax thus far about turning stuff in on time, but this time, he wanted everyone's thing in on time. So he sent an email telling us what to do if we weren't going to be in class. I wasn't feeling well, so I missed class to sleep. But I didn't even see that email. Then after class he sent another email, a really angry email at that, that said only four people were on time to class, and only four more people showed up. He was really really mad at us, and told us we're in big trouble. Well, I never turned in my assignment because I was asleep until the deadline he gave us, and I'm really afraid that we're in some pretty serious trouble. I have that class pretty soon, and no lie, I'm pretty terrified about going. I don't exactly do well with teachers who are angry. I tend to get a little teary-eyed, which makes everyone think I'm weak or a child, which I hate, although that's just a side note. Anyway, I'm really nervous. But all morning this song that Laura shared with us on Thursday night was stuck in my head. It's called Not For a Moment (After All) by Meredith Andrews. I bought it, and have been listening to it. It says "not for a moment will you forsake me," a bunch of times, because that line is in the chorus. Which is really comforting. But in the bridge, she says "Not in my hurt, not at my worst, when my world falls down, not for a moment will you forsake me. Even in the dark, even when it's hard, you will never leave." And okay, not gonna lie, I've been listening to this song for like, ten minutes now, and the first time she got to that part, I just burst into tears. I mean, my world isn't falling apart, I'm not at my very worst, I'm not even really hurt, but it is hard to face something you're afraid of. This song has just been so comforting to me. I just wanted to share that with you now.

 I have to leave for class in a few, so I'll say good bye now!

Amazing Grace!!

We all know the song Amazing Grace by John Newton. Whether you grew up in church or not, you've probably heard the tune and the words at least a few times in your life. Well, at Nav Night tonight we sang this song, which, let's be real for a second, is one of my favorite hymns, after Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and It is Well With My Soul and just before Be Thou My Vision and I Have Decided to Follow Jesus (sorry for the tangent), so I'm pretty happy. But one verse really struck me tonight.
The Lord has promised good to me./His word my hope secures./He will my Shield and Portion be/As long as life endures.
I really love this song, but I've never felt particularly attached to this verse. I really love the verse that begins "the earth shall soon dissolve like snow." But when we were singing, I don't really know why, I was just put at ease. I've had some minor heartache over a friend recently, and I found such comfort in this thought that "He will my Shield and Portion be as long as life endures." Now as all this nonsense with my friend has been going on, a verse has been caught in my head, Psalm 118:8 "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." My friend has really let me down, and I've just been reminded to take refuge in the Lord rather than in my earthly friendships, and this verse really did that too. But God is my portion, not my friendships.

But also, and I know I've said it before, finding a husband is something that's always kind of in the back of my head, like it's permanently on my to-do list. That's kind of a silly way to phrase it, after all, I'm only 19, but one day getting married is something that really matters to me. But no matter how much I try to forget about this desire of mine, no matter what I distract myself with or whatever, it's always there, lingering in my head. But one other way this verse in particular comforted me is that the Lord has promised good to me, and maybe that doesn't mean a husband, but it does mean good. And who knows what's good for me better than God. So yeah, maybe I won't find a husband, but if I don't, it's because God has something else good for me. Which is also very comforting.

Vulnerable through Struggles

Tonight at Nav Night, one of the women on staff, Laura, shared with us some of what God has been teaching her over the past few months while she's been, as she calls it, her "season of sadness." She has a few reasons to be in this season, but despite all of it, she's still been such a ray of sunshine in my life, especially as I've been in my own sort of rough patch, what with all the change that college brings. I really love that she was so willing to share so openly with us about her heart, and the things that have been weighing on her, that she's been wrestling with. I've found that I love her so much more through that.

One random thing in that: Laura gave us a moment to think about what struggles we're dealing with right now, and she said we may not be really struggling with something right now, and that we don't need to go looking for something to be struggling with. But I was drawing a blank, I knew I was struggling, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. But I realized: I struggle with apathy, with numbness. It's something I find myself falling into all the time. Over the past few weeks, I've been slightly falling into it. I just don't care about anything. And that's kind of a huge problem for me. When I don't care about anything, I don't do anything. I think God really used Laura's talk to reveal that to me. So I'll be talking to the Lord, trying to get out of this, and I would really appreciate your prayers as I struggle through this.

Hallelujah! Proven Wrong So Soon!!!!

I just want to start off by saying that our God is SUCH a good God!!!

So I've written before about some friends who were travelling a wrong path, doing some pretty unfortunate things and ultimately turning their backs on God. I've asked for prayers for them, I've been angry at them, I've wished they would turn. But slowly during that time, I began to doubt that even God could change their hearts, and draw them to Him once again. But Praise the Lord!!! He has proven so soon how silly my doubts are!!!! Tonight, one of those friends messaged me, apologizing for some of what he'd done, and being very honest about a conversation with God, what he said was his first in a long time. I couldn't hardly believe it, but I think he was being very honest! I'm so so SO glad!!! You can't tell this over the internet, but I'm so glad about this that I'm crying!!! Which is actually a lot less rare for me than you might think. Oh but tonight! What a night!!! I'm amazed!!! And so glad!!! And so thankful!!! I'm so VERY glad that God chose tonight to reaffirm me, and to banish at least one of my doubts! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!

One other thing about this: he shared with me a prayer that he wrote, and it was very very much BRUTALLY honest with God, which is something that Abby and I talked about JUST TODAY! It's just a God thing, pure and simple, I'm convinced of it!!! OHHHHHH!!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!! I was in kind of a sad mood, but how can you be upset in such a moment as this??????

Doubting Thomas

If you read in John chapter 20, starting in verse 24, you hear about Thomas. He's mentioned a few times in the Scriptures, but this is his shining moment. This is what he's known for. And in his great moment of fame, he doubts. He missed Jesus' first appearance to the other disciples, and he doesn't believe that Jesus really has risen from the dead. He says, "Let me see the holes in his hands, let me feel those holes, let me touch his wounded side, and I will believe." (That's just a paraphrase, so you know.) But then Jesus comes to him, and tells him to feel his wounds, to touch his side and his hands.

I think if I were Thomas, I would be feeling pretty sheepish right about then. To be proven wrong so completely and utterly would be pretty embarrassing. And yet, Jesus still loved him. And Thomas did come to believe.

I have to wonder how I'll feel on that day when I'm standing in front of the Lord God Almighty and He proves wrong every one of my doubts. When He says to me, "Becca, I was with you that day when you thought you were facing the world alone," or, "Becca, I heard every word you ever said to me, I know what you felt and thought at every moment," or "Rebecca, I've forgiven you. No matter what you did, I've forgiven you," I imagine I'll be feeling pretty sheepish myself, to say the least. But I have so many doubts. So many.

We talked about this particular chapter of John tonight at FRESH, and it was great. I loved talking about my doubts, and better, hearing my own doubts expressed by other girls. It was good to know that my doubts aren't unique to me. And to hear that I'm not the only one with lots of doubts. Doubting God's goodness, doubting God's forgiveness, even doubting God's existence is something that I wrestle with often enough. I mean, I have more doubts than there are fish in the sea. But honestly, I think God can take it. I think God wants to hear us express our doubts, and He wants us to pursue Him through our doubts.

Kind of in a mood

So, I didn't mention this last time, but some personal stuff has happened to me lately, and to protect the innocent, I can't reveal much more than that. But some friendships I have, that I hold pretty dear, may be changing pretty majorly in the near future, and I don't really like that. And I'm just in this mood. I have a friend who I've tried calling half a dozen times in the past three-ish weeks, and I haven't heard back from her hardly at all since then, and definitely haven't gotten a call back from her, which has left me feeling pretty abandoned. And the semester is almost over, but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with everything going on around me, and this summer will also be pretty busy, not that that's a bad thing, but I just feel like I have so many things to do that I don't really have time to just enjoy myself. And my roommate insists on leaving the window open seemingly all the time, which is fine except that it's allergy season, so my eyes water and itch, plus it's hot outside, which is making my room really hot, and I really don't like the heat. At all. (Seriously, though, I'm sweating.) And I just want to be alone, to have a private cry, but my roommate is here, reading, so I can't even make any real noise, let alone cry. And just to ice that cake of misery, a kid from back home who recently moved away has been doing some pretty stupid stuff, getting involved in some really unfortunate activities and has had a pretty bad attitude about everything and everyone, and my sister and I kind of update each other on him, and she just sent me another update, and he's not doing well. It's not really a bad sort of day, but I feel bad. I wish I was alone, in a cold room. But wishing any of these things right won't make it so. I can't change the past, and thus fix the friendships that are changing, and I can't make my friend call me/pick up the phone, and I can't get away from everything that needs doing, and I can't kick my roommate out, and I can't change the kid from home. But I guess here's what I can do: I can adjust my current behavior so my friendships won't change for the worse, I can remember that whether or not my friend calls, I have other friends who love me and do call me back/pick up, I know I'll be alone in the shower, so I could go do that, and I can ALWAYS pray for that friend who's making some mistakes.

I know this wasn't a very encouraging post, but I needed to write this for me. To give myself some perspective.

My Story: Not Like Anyone Else's

I am a 19 year old woman in college. Statistically, in the next six or seven years, I'll be married. During my first week at school, someone told my entire freshman class "For most of you, your spouse is right here in this room with you." Everyone I know expects me to come out of college with at least one boyfriend experience, especially since I've never had one. And I know that I'm young, and I have a lot of time left before I meet or fail at their expectations. But really, isn't it okay for my life to be unlike everyone else's? 

I've heard a lot of stories about people who met their spouse while in school, or people who get married pretty soon after graduating college. And that's great for them. I'm really happy for them. But I am not them. I had this realization the other day, when I was thinking about a friend of mine who met his wife when they were in college. They graduated four-ish years ago, I think? And they're super cute. I really love them both. And I was thinking, "I wonder if my story will be like theirs." I was feeling kind of down, not gonna lie, about my lack of romantic history. But then I realized, God is writing my story right now, and it's not like anyone else's story. It won't be like Bill and Jen's, or my parents', or my sister's or my best friend's. And that's okay. In fact, that's a good thing. I would so much rather have my own unique story. Because God made me unique. Why be like someone else, when you're only supposed to be you, right?