Violently Angry

To all my friends who read this blog, this particular post is about to get real personal. And real ugly. Somehow, those two seem to go hand in hand with me. So, a warning. If you want to go on thinking of me whatever you did previously, I highly suggest you stop now, and don't read another word.

So here's the deal. My family, unfortunately, often brings out the very worst in me. And with them, and only them, I still have the tendency to get ridiculously, childishly, violently angry. Even as an almost 20-year-old woman, I can throw one heck of a tantrum, although I now have much better tools with which to do that than I did when I was, say 10, (by which time it was already highly inappropriate for me to throw such a tremendous tantrum), like high heeled shoes, for example, not to mention a louder voice and a stronger arm. And as you may have guessed, I had a tantrum today. Actually, at the moment I'm typing this, it was something like 20 minutes ago. My sister and I got into a fight, of sorts. I said something rude without thinking, unintentionally, and she reacted really rudely in reply, and I apologized twice and she didn't say anything, and then she called me bitter, and so I told her that she had hurt me, and that I was really upset that she wouldn't forgive me, and more so that she wasn't sorry for her hurtful words, and she told me that she needed time to calm down, and I got really angry, and let her push my buttons (I don't know whether she was being intentionally infuriating or not, but I'll get to that), and that's where I really went to town. I slammed her door, that has this mirror hanging on it, and I'm pretty sure I broke it. And through the door I yelled something like "I'm not really sorry! Screw you!" Or something along those lines. I honestly don't remember what I said, I'm quoting what I heard her tell my mom that I said. And then my mom came upstairs and I was sitting in my bedroom (literally right next to my sister's room, and with thin walls at that) and I heard her tell my mom the whole thing, but in a way that was really mocking towards me, and I got even more angry. I felt myself losing control, and ran into her room and rushed her. I must have pushed my mom out of the way, but I don't remember any of it. My mom eventually came between us, and I made some cruel comment to her, and then I ran back to my room and started sobbing.

What I did was really wrong. I know that without a doubt. And yet, in spite of that, I could sit and rationalize all day why I'm right and my sister is wrong, or at least I was until the door slammed, but that doesn't matter. When I'm sitting in front of God, and He mentions this moment, when God looks me in the eye and says, "Becca, what about December 26th, 2015, around 10 pm? My Beloved, where was your heart for Me then? How were you loving your sister then?" He's not going to care what she did to me. My showing her love should not be dependent on her forgiving me, and God isn't going to hold me to a lower standard because my circumstances were harder, The way my sister behaves does not affect the way I am called to act. And yes, I do think she was wrong, but really, what does it matter? I'm not supposed to worry about her reactions and responses and behaviors. It's not my job to control her. It's my job to let God hold her to His standard,and to worry about my own behavior compared to His standard.

The thing is, that goes for my relationships with everyone, not just my sister. I ought to be kind and friendly to my former best friend's ex-boyfriend, regardless of the way he treated her (and me) while they were dating. And there's this guy I'm pretty good friends with, who I know is a Christian who often intentionally does things just to set me off. There was a while when it made me especially angry, because in my head I only viewed it as "he's intentionally causing me to stumble, and he needs to stop that, because he's a Christian, and that's a sin too!" which, even as I read that in my head, sounds very childish and immature. I am in control of my own reactions to what he says and does, and it doesn't matter whether he's trying to make me crazy or not, what matters, what once separated me from God is my reaction. Whether he was trying to set me off or not isn't even a part of the equation between me and Jesus. My angry words helped hold Jesus on the cross whether I was provoked or not. Threatening my sister helped hold Jesus on the cross whether she forgave me or not. My prideful snark and sass helped hold Jesus on the cross whether what I said was "technically" true or not. My violent anger held Jesus on that cross, whether I was hurting or not. So I need to get my heart right, and stop looking at other people.

One other thing. I often think about how all sins are equal, but I'm realizing that I think of it in the wrong sort of way. I would say that some of my sassy, disparaging comments to my family are generally not that big a deal, but nights like tonight, fraught with frustration and hurt and anger and tears are a pretty big deal. My tendency is to rationalize the equality of sin to mean that the latter sins are as trivial as the former. However, I'm seeing that that is false. I mean, I suppose technically it's true, but it's false. Neither sin is trivial. In fact, I would say that the former is just as damaging and severe as the latter, and both are equally more severe than I am even aware of.

So, I'm really sorry this post is so long, and I'm sorry it's so personal and ugly. It definitely reveals another minute portion of my completely depraved sinful nature. Remember, though, that even if your worst sins are less of a big deal or way more of a big deal than mine, there is grace when you turn to the cross. Grace that is greater than all our sins, both yours and mine. Praise Jesus for that!

December: A season of Christmas, Cold, and Cramming for Finals!

Ahhh! I experienced brisk, beautiful morning at my school, and the spirit of... well, I would say Christmas, but let's be real here. It's the spirit of finals in the air. At least for me. Studying and cleaning and saying goodbye to my loved ones at school has been the order of the day, or really, the past week. And with the insane craziness (I know that's a redundant phrase) going on as the end of the semester approaches, it can be easy to let things like quiet times and talking to Jesus fall by the wayside. But let me tell you from my own experience, these are the days we need those moments the most!! I've had kind of a tough week. Saturday was a really hard day for me, and Monday was too, and I've just felt incredibly busily overwhelmed. But pausing to spend time with Jesus has been so life-giving. For example, I didn't want to go to church on Sunday because I was exhausted, I had three finals left to study for, and I just wasn't feeling it. But I went after all. And it was a really convicting but really encouraging sermon that I think I really needed to hear. And yesterday, I had an 8 am final, so I didn't want to get up and have quiet time, I wanted to study, but having a quiet time gave me a peace for my final that I know I wouldn't have had otherwise! So thank you Jesus, for being there in those tough moments, and revealing yourself when I take the time to look for You! As this chilly season continues on its path, and Christmas draws nearer, ever increasing your stress as you search for just the perfect gift for this or that person, remember to pause and look for Jesus, and I know He'll meet you where you are.

More Thanksgiving Mushy-ness

So I am a Bible study co-leader, as you know. Essentially, I'm being taught how to lead Bible study by Abby, who led my study last year, and has her fair share of experience doing exactly that. Being a Bible study leader, while completely terrifying, is also absolutely WONDERFUL. I absolutely LOVE my girls! And the beauty of (still) living on campus (with them) is that I get to spend time with them all the time, beyond just Bible study and other Nav events. Right now, for instance, I'm chilling in the lounge in my dorm with a couple of them, just doing homework. I get to live life with them in a beautiful way, and I love it so much! God has really blessed me in this. It's a new experience, leading girls who are crazy and wonderful and beautiful and just as broken as I am. I'm so thankful that God has brought me here. I know He gave me all these experiences, all these moments, and I don't know why, but I'm so glad He did. I'm thankful for every single one of my girls. They're amazing! Every day I'm with them I'm reminded of why I'm thankful for them!

A Moment of Giving Thanks... for SO MANY things!!

So it's been a bit since I last posted, and for that I apologize! I should be better about sharing here more regularly, but, sometimes life gets a tad insane. You know. But, as Thanksgiving is FAST approaching (4 days, 2 hours and 59 minutes as I'm typing this!) I feel I should discuss some of the numerous things I'm so very thankful for! And I know, HOW CLICHE, right? But still, I'm feeling it, so I'm doing it!

First of all, I'm thankful for my family! I have some friends who are going through some family stuff right now, and I'm realizing just how very lucky I am. Also, I was talking to the guy who works in the university convenience store near my dorm, and he told me about his cousin who was recently put in prison, and he was so glad, because it means that he doesn't have to see her at Thanksgiving. That was a sad moment for me, to think that there are people who DON'T love their extended family! I have an AMAZING group of first and second cousins, along with a handful of aunts and uncles, who I just love so SO much!

Secondly, I'm so VERY thankful for my friends! I have a lot of friends here at school, (thanks, Navs!) and plenty back home, too! Even though I have days, even like today, when I've felt lonely, I KNOW that if I really need someone, there are people here who've got my back. I know that even though a lot of my college friends are all hanging out together and I'm not there, they still love me, and even when I'm not at home, my friends who are back there still care a TON for me. I've seen it time and time again, and it makes me SO thankful for each and every one of them!

Also, I'm really thankful for hot tea! This sounds like a silly one, but sometimes a little hot tea is all you need to revive your downtrodden spirits! And I feel blessed that I can afford such non-essentials as hot tea, and dark chocolate, and non-school books, and movies, and frivolous Christmas blankets, the list goes on and on.

One thing I'm thankful for that may seem odd is that I don't have a boyfriend, or any sort of romantic relationship. Don't misunderstand, I do desire that deeply, even now. But I know that if I was ready to have a boyfriend, if it would be good for me to have a boyfriend, I would have one. I trust that God gives me what is good for me, when it's good for me. And because I don't have one, and have yet to have one, that's also because it's good for me to be single right now. And difficult though that may be to accept some days, I am thankful that God gives me what's good in His time instead of mine.

Lastly, and definitely most importantly, I'm so thankful for Jesus. Jesus, a man who was fully God, completely perfect and righteous and truly good, loved me, not just in some silly feeling, but in genuine action that resulted in His death. He loved me to the point of death. How this can be, I don't know, but I want to live every day remembering that because of his perfect life, I get to come before God on my own, without a human mediator, to say thank you. God really has blessed me in SO many ways! Even in ways I don't fully realize!

Prayer Talk

So this hasn't been my best week yet. I'm just... exhausted always. And I really don't want to have to deal with people. At all. Ever again. But of course real life has a lot of people in it. People you don't like as well as people you do. My inner introvert is coming out in BIG WAYS this week, and I'm feeling it strongly.
Anyway, tonight we had Freshman Bible Study Hangout instead of normal Bible study. And I was supposed to lead. But because we had shorter time than normal, we didn't do normal Bible study. We talked about prayer. And Trey reminded us that God is our Father, and wants to hear about our days and our lives. So I enjoyed spending a little bit of time just talking to God about my day, and how I'm feeling. And I was reflecting on my day, and it actually started beautifully. Today started with Tuesday Early Morning Prayer, and it was just super encouraging and beautiful and refreshing. The guys who were there were just so encouraging, and it's just a beautiful thing to meet up first thing in the morning and pray together. I loved it!

Memories of My Old Life

I remember the darkness

The chains, the things that kept me from breathing. 

The things that kept me from living.

I remember, but still more.

Sometimes I run back to that place,

Sometimes I take up my old chains.

Sometimes I stop breathing.

Sometimes I hide in the darkness. 

but He won't let it take me. 

I try to hide, but never do I succeed. 

Not from Him. 

He always draws me back to light

back to freedom. He is my breath.

He is my life.

Sometimes I forget the Light. 

Sometimes the lies tell me I don't belong with Light. 

But He makes me breathe. 

He gives me life. He wants me with Him. 

So He reminds me what He did for me. 

He has marked me, and I no longer have a place in the darkness. 

Fall Conference!!! OH YEAH!

So earlier today I got back from Fall Conference, which is the Blue Ridge Navs annual conference. It was really amazing to get to see several of my friends from STP, It was just such an encouragement to my heart. And while it was definitely draining driving there and back, and never getting to be alone, and being with over a couple hundred other humans, I still loved every minute.
It was definitely a reminder to me of how much I miss my STP friends and the STP life. I got to see three of my closest female friends from the summer (other than my actual team), and that was SO much fun! I loved getting to see Barbara, Annie, and Mikaila! They just encourage me so much, and really just lift my spirits and love me so well. It made me so happy to get to spend time with them and catch up on their lives.
Also, I went to a workshop on discipleship, which was super cool. I listened to a speaker tell me about how to disciple someone, how to find someone to disciple, how to "do life with them," (which is a very Christian-ese thing to say, but I don't know how to say it better). And he reminded us that we should really only disciple those who are hungry for the Gospel, because they're the ones who will "reproduce reproducers," to quote the Navs founder Dawson Trotman. The speaker also said, "No matter how much you want to, even for their sake, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do," which is something that really both encouraged and discouraged me simultaneously about the people I have the potential to disciple. It's encouraging because it no longer puts pressure on me to change their hearts; that's God's job, not mine. It also discouraged me, because I think some of the people I might want to disciple the most really aren't hungry for the Gospel. But I think it's okay, because God will draw them to Himself in His own time, and in His own ways, and all I can do is pray for them.
It was a great, exhausting, fantastic, God-filled Fall Conference!!! :)

Preaching Yourself the Gospel

Just as almost every other Thursday night post reminds you, tonight we had Nav Night. And it was SO GOOD! Trey, one of the EDGErs, talked about Ephesians 3:1-13. And he did SUCH a good job! He basically just reminded each and every one of us of the truth of the Gospel, the good news of Christ. I really hope they recorded it, because it was SO GOOD! Anyway, as he was speaking, I just started crying like you wouldn't believe. I didn't really know why at first, and then I realized: I was crying because I knew/know that it's all true! It was really cool to hear Trey preach the simple reality of the Gospel, the beauty of the Gospel, the excitement of the Gospel to us tonight. It was a reminder that I don't really think about it often enough. At STP this summer, someone (I don't remember who, and it was probably multiple people) said "You should preach the Gospel to yourself every single day." Or something like that. But you get the idea. And tonight was such a poignant reminder of how little I truly consider the Gospel, and how infrequently I remember the way Christ died for my sins on that horrible, yet so beautiful cross. So after tonight, I hope to remember to preach myself the Gospel more and more frequently, because let's be real here: I desperately need it.

Sometimes it's Hard Facing Reality

Hey there internet!!! So life happened today! I had some Abby time today, and it was tough, but it was good too. I had some reality to face, which can get real uncomfortable. And today it was.

Today we talked about some of my pride issues, and the anger and bitterness and annoyance and impatience that stem from it. It sucks, because I'm kind of uncomfortable with myself now. Part of me just wants to hide away from everyone else for the rest of my life now, because I don't want it to be an issue that pervades my friendships. But that's not realistic. I just don't want people to see that part of my heart. But I know people do. I don't know, I'm just not comfortable with myself anymore. Which is both good and bad. It's bad because it means I have a problem that God and I need to deal with. It's good, because that means that my new self, the new nature that God implanted in me, is rejecting that part of myself, the sinful nature that once resided in me, and pervaded my entire being. But anyway, it really sucks to realize just how messed up I am, and to realize that people really see it. Part of me, sitting here at a table in the library really wants to just break down and cry. But I can't, and I know that. It was a good day, for sure. But at the same time, it kind of sucked. But I definitely saw God working in my heart today, really revealing my sin to me where I had blinded myself previously. Pride is a huge issue in my life, I've always known that, but today I was reminded again of how real and active it still is in my life.

My Beautiful Ladies!

So tonight, I went and hung out with some Nav people, just to chill. I think there may have been an NFL game on that everyone was pretty invested in. I don't know, I was just there to hang out with people, while also doing homework. And afterwards, me and the two girls I drove back to campus just sort of hung out. I shared some very personal embarrassing stories, told them about my latest crush, and listened to them tell me about their home lives. And we shared some Insomnia cookies. It was a blast just to hang out and get to know them. I think sometimes God builds godly relationships not by sitting together at Nav Nights or being in the same Bible studies, but by putting us together in the same car on the way to a hang out and giving us a mutual love of warm cookies. And I'm so very thankful that He did.

The Inspiration of FRESH

So tonight, near the end of Bible study, Abby asked everyone to share one thing they wanted to remember/take away from tonight. And one of the girls said something along the lines of "I want to be like John the Baptist. He was just always pointing to God. And I want to be like that, devoting all my time to God, but right now it's hard because of college and everything. But I want it to be, whenever anyone sees me, they know, 'that girl knows God.'" And that was really cool. Now the college getting in the way part, I had something to say to that (in the most loving way possible) and I'll probably address that eventually. But what she said at the end, "whenever anyone sees me, they know 'that girl knows God.'" That's something I'm striving for. There's this C.S. Lewis-attributed quote that says "A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her." It's a similar concept. I mean, I think that Lewis quote is about romance etc. but it still applies. That's my goal. I want to be a woman who's heart is so close to God that people have to seek Him to find me. I want people to see me and just know that I know God. It was so cool that that beautiful freshman girl said that! God speaks in all kinds of ways.

Student Leadership Team! And Visiting Home!

So first of all, I got to go home this weekend, and see one of my really good friends, a girl named Stephanie. It was so encouraging to hear her tell me all about the ways God's been working in her life, and growing her. That was just SO encouraging and awesome to me! I've been praying for her a ton since I left for college last fall, and it's so great to hear about the ways God has been answering my prayers, even though I don't get to see how right away. Also, I never would have thought that anyone would have learned anything from the way I lived in high school, but Stephanie kept saying things that God had taught her through me. It's really humbling to see the ways God used me, even without my knowledge, and without me trying. I think that's when He likes to use us the most, which is really cool.

Now, second of all, we just had our first Navs SLT meeting. SLT stands for Student Leadership Team. And it was awesome. We talked a lot about things we want to do this year, holes in our ministry we want to fill. And I'm just really excited about it! I think God is going to move on our campus in some pretty powerful and amazing ways!

First FRESH of the Year!!!

A couple nights ago was our first FRESH, and let me tell you, it was SO GOOD!!! We had 5 girls come to our study, and it was just TOTALLY awesome!!! I'm so excited for this year!!!! I just feel like it's going to be GREAT!!! I've been praying for this study and for these girls, even though I didn't know them yet, for a little over a week, and it was so amazing to get to know them just a little bit, and to get a feel for what our Bible study is going to be like this upcoming year!

One last post for tonight: Another Perfect Moment!!!

OK, I know I just posted, but I definitely had a perfect moment!!! I don't even know if perfect moments actually exist, as I discussed in a video a couple months ago.  But, there are definitely moments that are TOTALLY great, where I think God is just there, giving me complete peace and joy. And today I had another one of those. I was sitting next to the survey table we were doing today, outside one of the dorms on campus. It was great. I was sitting on the ground, watching people go by, not really talking to people. But smiling and chilling there just the same. I don't know if I was really helpful at all, but I was there. And while I was just sitting there, I just felt so at peace. I really hate these things, where we throw ourselves at people, or at least that's how it feels, but I just felt really peaceful and happy about it. Also, my friend Paul said something really incredibly wise to me today. He was at STP, and also goes to my school, so we're pretty good friends. He's definitely one of my closer friends here at school. I asked if he missed STP, and he said something really great, and totally encouraging. He said, "Yeah, but Becca. At STP we were a part, but here we're an integral part." Or something like that. I'm bad at real life perfect quotes. But that was the gist. And he has a good point. I feel like God grew me more at STP, but He's using me specifically more now that I'm back at school. Which is SUPER cool!!! I really appreciate that about Paul, he always has some sort of wisdom to throw at a situation, as well as some really great encouragement whenever I need it! So thanks for Paul! And thanks for perfect moments!!!!

OUTREACH!!! AHHHHH!!!!

OK, so today we as Navs did some outreach stuff. We've actually been doing outreach stuff for a while now, but today we did follow-ups, which basically means we made phone calls and tried to get people to come down to the lobby of the dorm we're in to hang out with/get to know us. And I really hate the phone call part. It's just so stressful. But today, we got three girls to come down and talk to us! It was so cool!!! And one of them had talked to me!! Actually, I texted her, because when I called it didn't let me leave a voicemail. But I just know that God TOTALLY had His hand in the whole situation! Also, I called this other girl, but couldn't leave her a message either. But before I could text her, one girl came down to talk to us, which was a little frustrating in the moment. In fact, I never got to text her. In the end I just decided not to, and that I'd just call her back tomorrow. But once I left the other girls who were doing follow up with me, she called me back. She had been at work, and she was on break, and I was freaking out!! I don't think I let it show, though, because she agreed to get coffee with me tomorrow!!! I can't believe it, still!! But it's true!!! I'm so excited!!!! And completely terrified!!!!! AHGHGH!!!! Please, pray for me!!! And for my beloved Navs!!!! :)

Back into College Life

So, I'm back at school! Classes don't start until next week, but I'm here, hanging out, avoiding people I don't know, and waiting as long as possible to wash dishes! But I'm really pretty excited for life to return to some semblance of normal. I've been here for a couple days, and I've had nothing to do, and it's been totally crazy. But, today I got breakfast with my discipler, Abby. And she's so great! I missed her SO MUCH this summer! And I'm so excited for her WEDDING in just a few months!! Which is TOTALLY crazy to me!!! But I'm SO PUMPED!!! I love Abby so much, and I'm so excited for her big day!!! Anyway, classes start soon, and I'm pretty jazzed about some of my classes... and maybe not so jazzed for some of the others. But it'll be a great year! I'm really excited about what we're doing with the Navs this year, especially as far as Freshman outreach is concerned. And speaking of which, my roommate is a freshman, and I'm actually SO GLAD! I get to help her out, and everything. Plus, Abby asked me today if I would be interested in hosting/co-leading a freshman Bible study in my dorm!!! It's so great, because one of the things I was really wanting to bring back to campus this year was students discipling students, and this would be a really great way to start that! I'm so excited to see what God wants to do with me this upcoming school year!!

Life After STP

So now that it's been almost two weeks since STP ended, I feel like life is getting back to normal... sort of. I went on a mission trip this past weekend to Brunswick, GA, where we hung out with kids who are wards of the state, who all have some sort of mental handicap. We actually were there last summer, and I mentioned this place briefly in a post last June. Anyway, a lot of the little boys I worked with last summer were gone. They had been moved somewhere else, but they aren't allowed to tell us where. It could be anywhere, from reunification with their families, to a Youth Detention Center, to another facility similar to the one we were visiting, but closer to their family homes. But even though I was really disappointed not to get to see the beautiful faces of my friends from last summer, I got to meet some new little boys who need Christ's love just as much as the boys we met last summer did. Also, I was reminded during my quiet time one morning while we were there that while those little boys may be out of my reach, they are NEVER out of God's reach. It was a great, comforting moment.

Anyway, so now I'm on family vacation in Florida, and while I love my family, I also really miss everyone at STP, and everyone at school, and all my high school friends I haven't seen all summer. In fact, I've been in a sort of mood lately. It's been interesting. I think it might be in part because of the significant decrease in the amount of time I've spent intentionally with the Lord. But I have plans for an XTAWG when I get home, and I can't wait!!!! I'm going to take a little hike, bring a blanket and a lunch and just spend an afternoon with God. But anyway, God is definitely still working in me, just differently than He did at STP. Which was pretty expected from the beginning. But yeah. I definitely miss STP, but it sure is good to be back with the family! #schmidtfamilyvacation

The End of STP

Hey there!

So sorry once again for my infrequent posts here on the SGM blog! I've been pretty busy participating in the program rather than just watching it unfold. Anyway, today we left STP. I drove myself home and haven't seen any of my STP people since then. :( I definitely cried on the way home. But I've seen God working in my life and in my heart in so very many ways. For example, this summer we did evangelism on the streets of Gatlinburg, and I never really loved it. I mean, I enjoyed it sometimes, but I was never so incredibly excited to go evangelize. Street evangelism always drains me, and it honestly just wasn't my absolute favorite part of the summer. But it definitely gave me a heart for the lost and broken, and I didn't even see it until today. Today, after I got home, I hung out with a pretty good friend of mine who isn't really a Christian. I was talking to him about how frustrated he is with work, and with his life, and I asked if he was content, if he was satisfied and at peace. He looked at me and said no, then kind of shook his head, because he knew what I was going to say. But still I tried to tell him about the peace that only God can give. I tried to tell him that he won't find any real security in wealth, and that wealth won't give him less cause to worry. But he just didn't care. His heart was so hardened to the promises the Lord has offered, and it broke my heart. I literally got into my car after we hung out and just started bawling, and calling out to God. But if I had never gone to STP, I don't know if I even would have ever asked him those questions, and I know that I wouldn't have seen his brokenness, his hardened heart, or his lack of peace the way I did today. I'm still heart-broken for him, but I'm so thankful that I got to experience growth this summer that gave me the eyes to see more clearly the pain and reality of my friend. So that was amazing! And if you could be praying for him, I would hugely appreciate it!

I love you!
Becca

STP Parent Week

Hey everyone! So here at STP it's Parents Week, which is cool, except that my folks aren't coming. I mean, it's not a big deal, but it does change things. We don't have any normally scheduled activities except for Navs AM this morning, and XTAWG tomorrow, which means that I get lots of time that I can spend by myself if I want to. And that's what I've been doing. But I'm really missing people, even though I know that I'm suffering from some moderate introvert exhaustion, which is strange. There are definitely specific people I know I'm missing more than others, especially my team and the people I've gotten to know/know really well. But it's cool. I do need this introvert time for myself, so it's good that I'm getting it.

STP is really going super well, though. I love so many of the people I've gotten to know. It's definitely challenging, but I'm loving it. So, I guess I know that God is speaking to me this summer, I'm just not entirely sure I know what it is that He's saying quite yet. But I'm pretty excited to be here, and to be listening.  I've already learned and been affirmed in a lot of different things, and I know that I'm growing, which is so wonderful. It's been an amazing first half of the summer!

Quick Update on that STP Life

Hey there internet people! Sorry it's been so long since my last post! It's a little crazy here at STP, and the hotel wifi isn't the best, so it's tough getting on the internet and posting, or doing much of anything to be honest.

So real quick post, just because I actually need to be doing some Bible Study Prep right now, I'm TOTALLY loving my team, and my schedule, and the life I've got at the moment. I can definitely see how God is using this summer and this time and these people to change me and grow me. Just yesterday, He showed me a little glimpse of the problems of my own legalistic tendencies through a coworker, which was incredibly frustrating but also definitely helping me grow. And I'm learning to trust God more, to submit to Him, and just to spend time with Him for the sake of being with Him, and not to just learn something, which is really cool. Anyway, I'll expand on this later (I hope!). I've gotta go! We're studying Philippians, and I've got a long way to go before I'm done with b-stud prep! Anyway, love you! Thanks for reading!
Becca

One Week Left

So one week from today, I'll be at STP. And I don't really know how I'm feeling. I feel like I should be really excited. I mean, I'm going to be meeting tons of new people, and beginning what others have told me is going to be one of the best summers of my life. But at the same time, I'm seeing more and more clearly all the things I'm going to be missing. And honestly, I'm beginning to get cold feet. I know that God called me to go to STP, but at the moment it doesn't feel like it. It feels a lot more like I should have applied to be my church's intern. Although I know that's not true. Also, I'm not doing well with fundraising. I started late, and my mom and I didn't see eye to eye on the people I should send letters to, so I didn't send as many as I'd planned on. So I'm just not going to be very funded at all when I get there. And I have to drive myself all the way there from home, which is scary because I've never driven that far in my life, let alone by myself, which is what it's looking like at the moment. So yeah. Not doing super well as far as that's concerned.

And okay, I'll be honest. Today was not one of my best, certainly not one of my proudest days. I got into an argument with my mom and sister over basically nothing. Definitely nothing worth fighting about. It was just a rough day in general. I just feel like a complete mess. And honestly, I haven't been doing very well about spending time with the Lord. When I don't have a set schedule, a specific time to get up, to be somewhere, I find it so difficult to open my Bible and read it, or to spend time in prayer.  So basically, it's been a crazy, unpleasant sort of time. While I'm not super excited to be going to STP, especially alone, in my head, I'm looking forward to being back into some semblance of routine, and to being among lots of people who love the Lord.

Friends

I talk a lot about my friends, both new and old. I mean, unless you're a hermit, I feel like everybody knows how special friends are. I mean, family is the best. I love my family SO MUCH, but they don't choose you, you just kind of get stuck with them. And while C.S. Lewis makes the point that even your friendships are chosen for you by God, (and I wholeheartedly believe that to be true,) at the same time, we do choose our friends. We make decisions all the time that majorly affect the people who become our closest friends. We didn't make any decisions to be in our families, that was all God. Not to say that our friendships aren't all because of God too, but... I already addressed this (I hope) sufficiently.

Anyway, I'll give an example. I've talked about Abby several times. She's my Bible Study leader, and she discipled me this past semester. Abby is a really good friend of mine. We're pretty different, but we're also incredibly similar. But how I became friends with Abby is that I went to a Navs Welcome Week thing, and met her there. And we talked, And I don't know, at first, I didn't quite know what to make of her. But I did know that she was probably going to be leading my Bible Study because of what dorm I lived in. If I had decided to live in a different dorm, then she wouldn't have been my Bible Study leader. We wouldn't have gotten to know each other the way we did. And while I dearly love Melissa, (the other EDGE girl, and the leader of the other freshman girl B-Stud), I think one of the reasons I kept coming was because Abby was so different from me, whereas I feel like Melissa and I, at least in some more obvious ways, are more similar. Not that being similar or different to me is good or bad, but for whatever reason, I really wanted to get to know Abby because she was different from me. But anyway, the decisions I made, like choosing to live in my particular dorm, and choosing to go to Bible Study every week helped lead me to becoming friends with Abby. And of course, those are only the choices on my side of the process. Abby made choices that led us to becoming friends, too.

But anyway, in not very long, I'm headed to STP. And I honestly believe that choices I've already made are going to have an effect on the friends I'll come to have at STP. And while I'm TERRIFIED that I won't actually make any friends while I'm there, I also know that surely God has brought someone to STP who I'll be friends with by the end of the summer.

So yeah. That's my little STP freak out for the day.

Talk to you later!
Becca

OH! Wait! One last thing. A quick passage from the Old Testament about friendship.
"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

SGM Vid: Home at Last

So I've been home for a little while, and I'll be home a while yet, but I felt the need to talk about what it's been like. It's not very specific, and it's not exactly a terrific video, but here it is. 

I think God gave us homes for a reason. It's a place where you're comfortable, where you feel you truly belong, and if you're lucky, it's a place where the craziness of your normal life is somehow kept at bay. You can relax and enjoy whatever peace home affords. I think God is sort of like that. God has a place for each of His children, a place where we truly belong. And in God, we can find true peace. God is a refuge, like home is. Only better. Because, well, He's God. :) 

Nervously Freaking Out

Last night, I had a dream about STP. I leave in a little over two weeks, and I'm getting more and more nervous by the day. But last night I was having trouble sleeping, only getting five-ish hours in total. (Not because of STP, just because I'm me. I was frustrated at the way a couple things were going, even though I knew that was exactly what was going to happen.) Anyway, I woke up at 7:45, which is SO early for me, at least recently. And I had knots in my stomach. Like I said, I dreamed about STP, and it just got me REALLY nervous! And I have no real reason to be. I'm sure it's going to be a wonderful, amazing, God-filled experience, but I'm still TOTALLY freaking out! And then, because of those knots, I couldn't fall back asleep. I was just worrying about it. So I'm like... I'm really really nervous. I know it's all going to be okay. I'm sure everything will work out the way God wants it to, and I know He'll be with me, but for now, I'm still kind of nervous. Anyway, for now I'm praying for some peace, and that I can learn to better trust the Lord. Thanks for reading this, I needed to get all this off my chest.

Talk to you later!
Becca

Friendly Atheist dot com

 So hey. The other day, YouTube suggested a video for me by a channel called "The Atheist Voice." I watched the video, and then several more about atheism (on this same channel), and especially why Christians are wrong. And honestly, about some things I see where this guy is coming from. This guy says that "just have faith" are the most dangerous words (put together) that mankind has ever known. And because he's not religious, I get that. I mean, I am religious, and I struggle with that phrase. But especially if I wasn't religious, having people tell me to "just have faith" would definitely NOT convince me that their religion is right. In fact, just because of the kind of woman I am, I would be less inclined to participate in their religion, to really give it a chance, or to test it than I was before they said that.

Anyway, I've watched a bunch of his videos. And okay, while I was watching one of them, I started crying. Not because I was doubting my faith, because I don't think I've ever really lived doubt-free. I don't exactly know why I was crying. I think it may just be because I wish God was obvious to everyone. I think I cried because I know what living a life trying to ignore Him is like. I've watched the people around me live without any attempt to know God, and that just makes me sad. And maybe that makes me sound ignorant, especially to people who do live without any acknowledgement of God. But I'm okay with that. But I think part of it is because he reminded me of a really good friend from the beginning of high school who's an atheist. It's hard, at least it was for me, to really care about someone and also watch their disinterest in God.

And I don't have all the answers. I daresay I have the barest minimum of answers. I don't know what to say about a lot of different things, that Christianity itself is in conflict over. But I'm okay with it. I may not agree with a lot of Christians about a lot of things, but in the long run, there are only a few things that I would say are completely essentially necessary for Christianity. (Although, that's quite an over-simplification of the situation.) Anyway... yeah. He might test your faith, but if you're interested, the videos I watched were all from this YouTube channel: The Atheist Voice. Check it out if you like, or if not, that's great too! Anyway, thanks for reading this! I'll talk to you later!

Home

I'm home now. I've been home for a little while now, and it's been really nice. I've absolutely loved being here. But I also really miss my friends at school. I miss the life I had at school. I miss living in a room where the air can actually be cold, and the windows can actually be opened. I miss shower heads that are taller than me by more than an inch or two. But despite all the things I miss, it's so wonderful to be home. I'm so glad to be here. I have a room to myself, and a car I can drive, and friends to see, and the best hall-mate a girl could ask for (my brother). It's absolutely wonderful to be here, and while I miss those things at school, I'm realizing that this is the beginning of the end of my time to call this place "home." I mean, to the best of my knowledge, I won't be living here full-time much more, if I ever really do. So I'm just going to be so glad that I'm here, and living under the same roof as my parents and my brother, and thank the Lord that I've got this opportunity to be here for a while longer.

A Year of Lessons

"'Child,' said Aslan, in a gentler voice than he had yet used, 'perhaps you do not see quite as well as you think. But the first step is to remember.'"

That line comes from The Silver Chair, the sixth installment of C.S. Lewis's famed Chronicles of Narnia book series. It's from the beginning of the book, right before Aslan gives Jill the Four Signs. Now, if you haven't read the Narnia books, and this one in particular, I'm not going to say anything more about it, but the series as a whole is absolutely amazing and I highly recommend you read them. Those books impacted my life and my view of God and Christianity more than normal people might be inclined to believe.

Anyway, I was thinking earlier today about all the things I've learned and all the ways I've grown over the past year. And despite the fact that I know that I'm different, that I've matured and grown, especially in my faith, I couldn't pinpoint the actual changes, or tell you any of the specific lessons I've learned, or how I learned them. I mean, some of them, sure, I could tell you all about the lessons like, "Don't leave your laundry in the washer for hours or your dorm-mates will get mad at you and move them," but the real lessons, the important ones, are a lot more difficult to describe to people who don't know me, or who didn't know me before. I can't really describe them at all, but I think people can see them, if not in major ways, in little ways. I know I can see them.

So why did I feel the need to include that quote? Well, I think Lewis is spot on. We don't see what happens/happened/is happening as well as we think. We never do. But we should still remember the things we've experienced. And we should remember the people we used to be, and the people we used to know and love. And maybe by remembering, we can be prepared for the future. Just a thought, as I pack my life up into suitcases and boxes and finally head home from the semester in just a few more days. :)

To Whoever You Are Who Reads This Blog:

Hey there! I know who I've told about this blog, and that list is very short. I feel kind of weird telling people that I tell the internet all about them, so I haven't told many people. But somehow, you people actually keep looking at it. I don't know if you guys read my posts, or if you just get on every now and again, but I really appreciate it. It's actually really encouraging to get on and see that I have even one or two page views. And it seems like every time I get on, I have a couple more. I seriously appreciate that you even look at my blog now and then. So thanks guys, whoever you are! Especially if we're friends, because I'm sure it's weird reading what I have to say about you. So thanks so much! Have a great evening!!!

By The Time You Read This, One of My Faves Will Be ENGAGED!!!!

One of my best friends here at school, my Bible study leader Abby is getting ENGAGED tomorrow!!! I'm SO excited for her!! Actually, I'm excited for both of them, Abby and her boyfriend/fiance/fellow EDGEr Matt. (In case you didn't realize, I'm writing this on Wednesday, but he's proposing tomorrow, which is Thursday, so this has to wait until then, I can't post it before that because she knows about my blog, and I would HATE to spoil the surprise!) I'm SO SO excited for them!!!! Fact is, Abby is one of the sweetest women I've ever met, let alone met here at school, and she deserves to be so very happy, and I know Matt makes her happy. And Matt is a really nice guy, and I don't really know him terribly well, but I know what Abby has told me of him, and because of that, I know just how great a guy he is. And I know that he's a good, godly man, which is just exactly as it ought to be, and which makes me SO VERY happy for them both!! Because Abby is also a good, godly woman. Anyway, this is all kind of random and fuzzy and random. I get a little carried away with my writing when I'm excited.
Recap: I'm super excited, because Matt and Abby are going to be engaged by the time this blog post goes online, which is absolutely WONDERFUL! Abby is wonderful and amazing and deserves to be happy, and Matt is fantastic and awesome and makes Abby happy, and I know she makes him happy too, just by the way he looks at her. I'm thrilled for them both. And I refuse to trim any of the mess in the first paragraph because the confusion expresses my excitement for them.
But anyway, I want to say one more thing. I am convinced by the way their lives worked out that God planned for them to be together, and not only does that strengthen my faith in that God really does affect our real, day to day lives in major ways, (which, I'll be honest, I sometimes doubt), but also that His timing is perfect! Which as I frequently discuss, I often struggle to believe. But it's true, and this is just further evidence to show that. And maybe one day, when God's timing is right, I'll meet my future husband.
But anyway, AHHHH!!!! I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!! Congratulations Matt and Abby!!!! Consider this a giant electronic hug to you both, because I don't know if I'll see you again before STP!!!! I love you guys a ton!!!!!!

Finals: Day 1

So I took my first final of the semester this morning. It was... well I'll be honest, it was pretty rough. But I lived through it. And my professor is giving all of us some free points just because he's lazy, so that was great. But something else happened. After my first final this morning (I had two today, of sorts) I posted on Facebook about said final being over, and how I have several left to do before I get to go home. And one of my really good friends/former Youth Minister commented "Prayed for you!" That really hit me. It was a reminder to me that there are people out there who love me, and care enough about me to bring the things that stress and concern me to the Lord. People who lift their voices in prayer for me. That's really humbling. Why am I special enough that someone would pray for me? I find myself in awe at this. There are people out there who really love me that much. Honestly, I don't understand. But I'm so grateful. I'm so glad God put people like that into my life.

An Unfortunate Use for the Internet

So in recent times, I've seen a lot of things on Facebook and Twitter that really piqued my interest, and more than that, really made my blood boil. A lot of people use the internet to progress their own agenda, and sometimes even to propagate fights, anger, and general unpleasantness with no real good attached. And a lot of people think that because they write out their own personal views of something that everyone will read it and have their minds changed because of it.

I have a lot of dear friends who post things on the internet (by which I mean social media) that just infuriate me, and make me want to reply via comment in anger. Sometimes, (although certainly not always, probably not even frequently) I may be just in my anger, but just as my mind won't be changed by an angry fool spouting his beliefs online, his mind also won't be changed by my angry words, or any words I use for that matter.

The trouble with these sorts of posts is that all that happens is people get angrier and angrier with each reply. If these conversations aren't happening person to person, and only occur online, do I really have to feel anything about this opinion that opposes mine? The opinion is just words on a screen, it isn't attached to a living, breathing human being, worthy of respect and the love of Christ.

My point is that when you talk about these controversies online, (especially in a social media environment) you're naturally creating a place for people to vent their anger/outrage/disdain/whatever without feeling the consequences of disrespecting those who disagree (whether or not they're actually being disrespectful). And while I'm not saying that we should stop using the internet as a place to talk about real life issues and situations and circumstances and controversies, I just want to issue a word of caution before you post about, or comment on posts about, these hot topics. (This word of caution is for me as much as, if not more than for anyone else. It's a bit of a struggle for me!) I think when we post online, we should try to be pleasing to God just as much as the words we speak or the things we do, and we need to remember that there is another person on the receiving end of our words.

And maybe this idea of posting things on the internet and hoping someone's mind will be changed vaguely describes what this very blog is all about. But I write out of love, and a desire to be honest about things that I'm normally a little afraid of being honest about. I don't want to have some things bottled up inside me forever. And I hope the things I post don't make anyone terribly angry or upset. That is not my intention. Ever.

First Day of Finals Week

So today begins the dreaded "Finals Week," and I must say, I don't love it. I mean, it's really nice not having to get up at 6 am every morning to walk to a class across campus that I sit through with nothing to gain from being there, except that attendance is mandatory. And I enjoy not having to change out of my pyjamas for days if I like. But something about finals week, about sitting in my room prepping for my impromptu speech tomorrow (or marathon-watching Chuck as it may be), is actually pretty sad. Other than the occasional, "bless you" from my roommate, I don't really talk to people during finals. But last night I got to do exactly that, which was awesome.

Yesterday was a study day, which means that no classes were held, and I got to chill in my room all day, working on a paper for English, watching Chuck, and studying for my Medieval Civ final. Last night, my roommate's boyfriend was over and they made coffee, which normally doesn't bother me, but for whatever reason, last night I got the biggest headache from the coffee smell (even though that hasn't happened in years). I went out to sit in the elevator lobby and call some people from home, but no one picked up. But a girl from my hall came upon me and sat down next to me and we got to talking. It was really fun to sit and chat with her and just have fun. I really enjoyed it. It was nice to have a real conversation with a real human about real things. So that was great. Despite my strong introversion, I like feeling connected with people.

So yeah, I guess that's it. I'm really glad that God brought me out of my secret introverted hole for a little while to talk to a really sweet girl on my hall.

Kind of random...

A week or two after spring break, I was feeling... confused by a few things, and so before Nav night I took a long quiet time to just talk to God, and listen to Him, and just be alone with my thoughts for a while, without the distraction of a laptop or cell phone. Anyway, I had been sitting outside, but it started raining, and I went inside to the building where we have Navs and just watched the rain fall for a while. And I wrote this:

I can feel His power
   as the wind whips my hair around my face
   as the raindrops pelt my skin
I feel His power, yes, the strength of His might
   in the crackle of lightning and thunder's roar

I can see His love,
   in the bloom of the dandelion
   in the peaceful blue sky
   in the friendships He has given me
I can see His love all around me

I am awed by His joy
   in the warm sun's rays
   in the beautiful bubbling brook
   in the glorious cloud
His joy is amazing. 

I am entranced by His passion,
   when He paints the sky at sunset
   when His laws produce a flame
   when He touches my loved ones through me
I am enraptured with His passion. 

I am so incredibly amazed at His power, in drawing me near, at the joy He has in me, and in the passionate love He has for me. I almost can't believe it. 

So yeah. I just read that and was deeply touched. Sometimes I really question His love for me, and whether He finds joy in me, and to see something that I personally wrote, that I remember specifically writing about how He feels, and how I knew in that moment that it was true is really comforting to me. And I hope my words can remind you as well of the love God has for you, and the joy He finds in you. 

Last Nav Night :(

The semester is drawing to a close, and just as on Tuesday we had our last FRESH, tonight we had our last Nav Night. :(. Until tonight, I didn't realize how much I love coming together and worshiping with these people, several of whom I don't really even know. I mean, I definitely knew that I loved Navs, and that I love Nav Night talks and singing at Navs, and all that, but just the act of going and being together with people and worshiping with them, and being unified in that is so great. I feel like I really have a family in Navs. At After Navs, (where we all go to a restaurant and eat together after Nav Night), I was looking around the table, and while I may not have known every person at the table super well, or even really a little, I still felt like I belonged. And I felt loved. I have friends here at Navs. I'm sorry to see it end.

One other thing about Navs all semester, that I really noticed especially tonight. Nick, our campus director, is very very open about his life. He talks about his struggles, his problems, his faults, he talks about his relationship with his wife, and the places that he falls short in their marriage, he just speaks so honestly to us. And I mentioned it long ago, (I read it a couple years ago at church in a small group) but I'm re-reading this book  by Kyle Idleman called not a fan. about living as a completely dedicated follower of Christ, and in it, he says this: "living in the power of the Spirit means shining a light on our weaknesses." And I think that Nick is really good at doing that. In fact, Abby is also really good at it. She's also very honest about her weaknesses. And I'm jealous of that. I'm so jealous of it. Because I think that one thing that I struggle with is lying, even to myself, about my weaknesses. I don't physically wear make-up, but it's like my spirit is wearing make-up, trying to hide all my flaws, and I've gotten so good at putting it on that even to me, my weaknesses are basically non-existent. But here are Nick and Abby and Kayley all standing here, clean-faced, showing me their real faces, from their blond eyelashes to their reddish, splotchy skin, to the zits that dot their forehead and chin. And they can see through my makeup, even though I can't. Now, that's not a perfect metaphor. I do see a lot of my weaknesses, but at the same time, I don't. It's kind of hard to explain. I know that I'm flawed, and that I sin regularly, but my actual "weaknesses" are a little harder to pin down. So this summer, I think I want to try and change that. In fact, this is about to go on my list of hopes/dreams/goals for the summer. So yeah. Last Nav Night. It's a bittersweet moment, but God is definitely a part of it.

Last FRESH

So tonight was our last FRESH, which makes me SO SAD!! I literally cried a couple of times. (In fact, as I've been writing this post, I've been bawling my eyes out!) I just want to say how much this year of spending time with these women has meant to me. I've really come to love each of the women I've been reading John with. Abby and Kayley have been wonderful leaders, I'm so thankful God chose them to lead our study! I think He put me with them for a reason, and I'm so very glad He did.

It hasn't been an easy year of Bible Study. I've had doubts and fears, and I've struggled with a lot of sins. I've been distracted from God by all sorts of things. But despite all of that, God has really been good to me. He's blessed me so much through these women. So I guess I kind of want to say something about each of them.

First, Abby is just so sweet. In a lot of ways, we're really different, but I think that if we were more similar, I wouldn't have kept coming. She's crazy and extroverted and so excited and enthusiastic about everything, and I just love her SO MUCH! Also, she's just been so encouraging to me in my walk. I feel like I can tell her anything, and I know she won't just love me in spite of it, but she'll encourage me, and help me deal with it.
Kayley is a little more like me than Abby is. She's pretty conservative, and blunt, and she's also very honest about her own fears, failures and doubts. And she really pushes us to see what the Word is telling us about God, and how we can apply that to our lives. I love Kayley so much TOO!!!
Now for the other freshies like me. First, there's Abigail, who I have loved getting to know personally! She has reminded me that sometimes, it's TOTALLY okay to cry!! Which may not sound like it, but that's actually REALLY encouraging to me! I don't like when people see me cry. Susanna is great, she's so open and excited and honest, which I love! Anabel is absolutely wonderful, just because she's herself. I don't really know anyone like Anabel, and honestly, I have this secret desire to basically be her best friend. Jessie is the girl I would say I know best in the group, and I really really love her. She's so sweet, but she's also very honest and real with our group. She's less teary than Abigail, but she's just as honest and heart-felt. And Maddy Staff, who wasn't there tonight, :(, is so awesome! She's so energetic, and also very real. She's just wonderful. I don't know how else to say it. And that's true of every girl who I've mentioned. There are so many qualities that I just can't express adequately in words about each of these women, and I just love them so much!!!! God has blessed me SO MUCH through these women!

One other thing about tonight. Tonight, Abby and Kayley washed our feet, out of love and as an act of service to us. That was just absolutely one of the sweetest things ever!! Feet are kind of gross and smelly, and although I don't have a particular aversion to feet, I know mine in particular are pretty gross looking. It was so beautiful, and I just... there aren't really words to describe what that meant. It just... It takes a very special woman to humble herself and wash the feet of a bunch of freshman girls, and both Abby and Kayley did that. It's been a good year.

SGM Vid: Summer Bummers and Summer Joys!

Hey there! So I made another video about my summer plans. I'm going to a Navs STP this summer, which I've mentioned before, but I really just wanted to talk about some of the things I'll be missing, which make me sad, but also some things I'm really looking forward to. I feel like I've talked about this a lot, but it's something that's really been on my heart a lot, too. So yeah. Enjoy!

P.S. Enjoy the weird thumbnail. I tried to change it, but technology and I are only friends in the vaguest sense of the word.

Sometimes it's the Little Things

So I've been realizing something about this blog, and I don't know that it's a bad thing, but it is something I want to address. And here it is: I tend to post right after I've been spending time with people from Navs, or right after I've been really focusing on God, or having a conversation about Him, or whatever. Which is great, I mean, I think it's important to acknowledge God's presence in all those big moments. But you kind of expect to see God in those moments. For example, this afternoon I got together with Abby and we talked about fundraising for STP, and just as I expected, God used Abby to calm some of my worries about fundraising, and to encourage me just in general. But God is also present in the little things, like this morning I had a paper due, but I hadn't printed it out yet because I didn't finish it until last night when my roommate had already gone to bed, and I was worried that I would have to print it while my roommate was still asleep, or worse, that I would have to rush back to my dorm between classes and print it, but sure enough, after I went to the bathroom to change and brush my teeth, Amanda had woken up, so I could print without fear of disturbing her rest. And the other day, I was feeling kind of under-appreciated, and a random guy I don't know held the door open for me and insisted I go through it first. Sometimes, God is working in all the little things that happen, and I think it's pretty important to acknowledge those moments too. So here's to all the little things God does for us, even when we don't really realize it!

Kind of Terrified Right Now

So my English teacher is really REALLY mad at my class. On Friday we had this assignment due, and he's been pretty lax thus far about turning stuff in on time, but this time, he wanted everyone's thing in on time. So he sent an email telling us what to do if we weren't going to be in class. I wasn't feeling well, so I missed class to sleep. But I didn't even see that email. Then after class he sent another email, a really angry email at that, that said only four people were on time to class, and only four more people showed up. He was really really mad at us, and told us we're in big trouble. Well, I never turned in my assignment because I was asleep until the deadline he gave us, and I'm really afraid that we're in some pretty serious trouble. I have that class pretty soon, and no lie, I'm pretty terrified about going. I don't exactly do well with teachers who are angry. I tend to get a little teary-eyed, which makes everyone think I'm weak or a child, which I hate, although that's just a side note. Anyway, I'm really nervous. But all morning this song that Laura shared with us on Thursday night was stuck in my head. It's called Not For a Moment (After All) by Meredith Andrews. I bought it, and have been listening to it. It says "not for a moment will you forsake me," a bunch of times, because that line is in the chorus. Which is really comforting. But in the bridge, she says "Not in my hurt, not at my worst, when my world falls down, not for a moment will you forsake me. Even in the dark, even when it's hard, you will never leave." And okay, not gonna lie, I've been listening to this song for like, ten minutes now, and the first time she got to that part, I just burst into tears. I mean, my world isn't falling apart, I'm not at my very worst, I'm not even really hurt, but it is hard to face something you're afraid of. This song has just been so comforting to me. I just wanted to share that with you now.

 I have to leave for class in a few, so I'll say good bye now!

Amazing Grace!!

We all know the song Amazing Grace by John Newton. Whether you grew up in church or not, you've probably heard the tune and the words at least a few times in your life. Well, at Nav Night tonight we sang this song, which, let's be real for a second, is one of my favorite hymns, after Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and It is Well With My Soul and just before Be Thou My Vision and I Have Decided to Follow Jesus (sorry for the tangent), so I'm pretty happy. But one verse really struck me tonight.
The Lord has promised good to me./His word my hope secures./He will my Shield and Portion be/As long as life endures.
I really love this song, but I've never felt particularly attached to this verse. I really love the verse that begins "the earth shall soon dissolve like snow." But when we were singing, I don't really know why, I was just put at ease. I've had some minor heartache over a friend recently, and I found such comfort in this thought that "He will my Shield and Portion be as long as life endures." Now as all this nonsense with my friend has been going on, a verse has been caught in my head, Psalm 118:8 "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." My friend has really let me down, and I've just been reminded to take refuge in the Lord rather than in my earthly friendships, and this verse really did that too. But God is my portion, not my friendships.

But also, and I know I've said it before, finding a husband is something that's always kind of in the back of my head, like it's permanently on my to-do list. That's kind of a silly way to phrase it, after all, I'm only 19, but one day getting married is something that really matters to me. But no matter how much I try to forget about this desire of mine, no matter what I distract myself with or whatever, it's always there, lingering in my head. But one other way this verse in particular comforted me is that the Lord has promised good to me, and maybe that doesn't mean a husband, but it does mean good. And who knows what's good for me better than God. So yeah, maybe I won't find a husband, but if I don't, it's because God has something else good for me. Which is also very comforting.

Vulnerable through Struggles

Tonight at Nav Night, one of the women on staff, Laura, shared with us some of what God has been teaching her over the past few months while she's been, as she calls it, her "season of sadness." She has a few reasons to be in this season, but despite all of it, she's still been such a ray of sunshine in my life, especially as I've been in my own sort of rough patch, what with all the change that college brings. I really love that she was so willing to share so openly with us about her heart, and the things that have been weighing on her, that she's been wrestling with. I've found that I love her so much more through that.

One random thing in that: Laura gave us a moment to think about what struggles we're dealing with right now, and she said we may not be really struggling with something right now, and that we don't need to go looking for something to be struggling with. But I was drawing a blank, I knew I was struggling, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. But I realized: I struggle with apathy, with numbness. It's something I find myself falling into all the time. Over the past few weeks, I've been slightly falling into it. I just don't care about anything. And that's kind of a huge problem for me. When I don't care about anything, I don't do anything. I think God really used Laura's talk to reveal that to me. So I'll be talking to the Lord, trying to get out of this, and I would really appreciate your prayers as I struggle through this.

Hallelujah! Proven Wrong So Soon!!!!

I just want to start off by saying that our God is SUCH a good God!!!

So I've written before about some friends who were travelling a wrong path, doing some pretty unfortunate things and ultimately turning their backs on God. I've asked for prayers for them, I've been angry at them, I've wished they would turn. But slowly during that time, I began to doubt that even God could change their hearts, and draw them to Him once again. But Praise the Lord!!! He has proven so soon how silly my doubts are!!!! Tonight, one of those friends messaged me, apologizing for some of what he'd done, and being very honest about a conversation with God, what he said was his first in a long time. I couldn't hardly believe it, but I think he was being very honest! I'm so so SO glad!!! You can't tell this over the internet, but I'm so glad about this that I'm crying!!! Which is actually a lot less rare for me than you might think. Oh but tonight! What a night!!! I'm amazed!!! And so glad!!! And so thankful!!! I'm so VERY glad that God chose tonight to reaffirm me, and to banish at least one of my doubts! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!

One other thing about this: he shared with me a prayer that he wrote, and it was very very much BRUTALLY honest with God, which is something that Abby and I talked about JUST TODAY! It's just a God thing, pure and simple, I'm convinced of it!!! OHHHHHH!!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!! I was in kind of a sad mood, but how can you be upset in such a moment as this??????

Doubting Thomas

If you read in John chapter 20, starting in verse 24, you hear about Thomas. He's mentioned a few times in the Scriptures, but this is his shining moment. This is what he's known for. And in his great moment of fame, he doubts. He missed Jesus' first appearance to the other disciples, and he doesn't believe that Jesus really has risen from the dead. He says, "Let me see the holes in his hands, let me feel those holes, let me touch his wounded side, and I will believe." (That's just a paraphrase, so you know.) But then Jesus comes to him, and tells him to feel his wounds, to touch his side and his hands.

I think if I were Thomas, I would be feeling pretty sheepish right about then. To be proven wrong so completely and utterly would be pretty embarrassing. And yet, Jesus still loved him. And Thomas did come to believe.

I have to wonder how I'll feel on that day when I'm standing in front of the Lord God Almighty and He proves wrong every one of my doubts. When He says to me, "Becca, I was with you that day when you thought you were facing the world alone," or, "Becca, I heard every word you ever said to me, I know what you felt and thought at every moment," or "Rebecca, I've forgiven you. No matter what you did, I've forgiven you," I imagine I'll be feeling pretty sheepish myself, to say the least. But I have so many doubts. So many.

We talked about this particular chapter of John tonight at FRESH, and it was great. I loved talking about my doubts, and better, hearing my own doubts expressed by other girls. It was good to know that my doubts aren't unique to me. And to hear that I'm not the only one with lots of doubts. Doubting God's goodness, doubting God's forgiveness, even doubting God's existence is something that I wrestle with often enough. I mean, I have more doubts than there are fish in the sea. But honestly, I think God can take it. I think God wants to hear us express our doubts, and He wants us to pursue Him through our doubts.

Kind of in a mood

So, I didn't mention this last time, but some personal stuff has happened to me lately, and to protect the innocent, I can't reveal much more than that. But some friendships I have, that I hold pretty dear, may be changing pretty majorly in the near future, and I don't really like that. And I'm just in this mood. I have a friend who I've tried calling half a dozen times in the past three-ish weeks, and I haven't heard back from her hardly at all since then, and definitely haven't gotten a call back from her, which has left me feeling pretty abandoned. And the semester is almost over, but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with everything going on around me, and this summer will also be pretty busy, not that that's a bad thing, but I just feel like I have so many things to do that I don't really have time to just enjoy myself. And my roommate insists on leaving the window open seemingly all the time, which is fine except that it's allergy season, so my eyes water and itch, plus it's hot outside, which is making my room really hot, and I really don't like the heat. At all. (Seriously, though, I'm sweating.) And I just want to be alone, to have a private cry, but my roommate is here, reading, so I can't even make any real noise, let alone cry. And just to ice that cake of misery, a kid from back home who recently moved away has been doing some pretty stupid stuff, getting involved in some really unfortunate activities and has had a pretty bad attitude about everything and everyone, and my sister and I kind of update each other on him, and she just sent me another update, and he's not doing well. It's not really a bad sort of day, but I feel bad. I wish I was alone, in a cold room. But wishing any of these things right won't make it so. I can't change the past, and thus fix the friendships that are changing, and I can't make my friend call me/pick up the phone, and I can't get away from everything that needs doing, and I can't kick my roommate out, and I can't change the kid from home. But I guess here's what I can do: I can adjust my current behavior so my friendships won't change for the worse, I can remember that whether or not my friend calls, I have other friends who love me and do call me back/pick up, I know I'll be alone in the shower, so I could go do that, and I can ALWAYS pray for that friend who's making some mistakes.

I know this wasn't a very encouraging post, but I needed to write this for me. To give myself some perspective.

My Story: Not Like Anyone Else's

I am a 19 year old woman in college. Statistically, in the next six or seven years, I'll be married. During my first week at school, someone told my entire freshman class "For most of you, your spouse is right here in this room with you." Everyone I know expects me to come out of college with at least one boyfriend experience, especially since I've never had one. And I know that I'm young, and I have a lot of time left before I meet or fail at their expectations. But really, isn't it okay for my life to be unlike everyone else's? 

I've heard a lot of stories about people who met their spouse while in school, or people who get married pretty soon after graduating college. And that's great for them. I'm really happy for them. But I am not them. I had this realization the other day, when I was thinking about a friend of mine who met his wife when they were in college. They graduated four-ish years ago, I think? And they're super cute. I really love them both. And I was thinking, "I wonder if my story will be like theirs." I was feeling kind of down, not gonna lie, about my lack of romantic history. But then I realized, God is writing my story right now, and it's not like anyone else's story. It won't be like Bill and Jen's, or my parents', or my sister's or my best friend's. And that's okay. In fact, that's a good thing. I would so much rather have my own unique story. Because God made me unique. Why be like someone else, when you're only supposed to be you, right? 

Something about Spring

Guys, there's something about Spring that I just love. I mean, sitting out on the grass, enjoying the afternoon sun, reading a book, or writing prosetry. It's just so awesome. I love Springs. The flowers are blooming and the days get longer and warmer and the grass finally remembers that it's supposed to be green, and I'm no longer the only person wearing chacos. It's a good time of year. But also, I've seen some of the most beautiful skies lately. I don't know why, I guess God is just showing me more of His beauty. I kind of love the sky. I also love light and darkness and water, but I LOVE the sky. I think I accidentally stole that from my sister. She spent so much time talking about how much she loves the sky that I sort of absorbed her feelings. But I don't mind. The sky truly is SO beautiful! I totally TOTALLY love it!!! But I love spring in general. It's a great time of year. It's the time of year of new beginnings. I feel like anything could happen during spring. I love it. Nothing seems as awful during spring. God gives so much peace and contentment, despite the allergies that come along with this time of year. And I'm so excited that it's begun! I've spent a couple afternoons just relaxing outside, thinking or writing or whatever, and let me tell you, it's awesome. It's great. I can't wait to do it tomorrow, too!

Some Thoughts on Dating, Marriage, and Love Languages

So hey there. I have some thoughts on dating. I'm 19 years old, and I have never been on a date before. For a long long time, that really bothered me. But this week, I talked to a girl a couple years older than me. We actually were talking about dating/marriage on the car trip up to Chicago. Her name is Ashley. She said something along the lines of "The thing about break-ups is that they leave scars that never go completely away. And every break up's scar will have an effect on your marriage. So not dating many people is really a good thing." That was really encouraging to me. I'm really glad she said that, because, never having had a boyfriend, and having a lot of friends who have dated, some who have dated a lot, has been an incredibly discouraging feeling. In my experience, having a boyfriend is a mark of status among girls, and never having had one has definitely made me feel like a girl of lower status than even my best friends. But really, now that I'm where I am, I'm happy for it.

I also have some thoughts about marriage. My buddy Paul said to me "Have you ever noticed how the only people to say 'Not everyone is called to marriage' are the people who are already married?" And here's my thought. I listened to a Tim Keller Q&A thing with his wife about Singleness, and Kathy, his wife talked about her desire to be married for many years before she met Tim. She said that she only found Tim when she finally gave her desire for marriage to the Lord. And I've been thinking a lot about that, especially lately because I'm at an age where a lot of girls I knew in high school are getting engaged, married, and/or having kids. Also, I kind of think I know what kind of man I want to marry. But here's my thought on what Mrs. Keller said. I've tried to "give it to God," but I never could figure out how to "give it" to Him. The way that's phrased makes it sound like your desire for marriage goes away. But that's not the way this works. I've also been struggling with surrendering things to the Lord. Things like, my future and my desire for marriage. Surrendering is different than giving, though. To me, giving means it goes away from me, that I no longer have it, but surrendering means putting whatever it is under a different authority than my own. I can't "give" God my desires. Nothing I do has been able to rid me of them, and I don't necessarily think that God wants me to be rid of them. I think He gives us certain desires. But surrendering my desire for marriage is very different. It's saying that God is in control of my desire. He tells me how to use it, how to follow it. He determines how it's fulfilled. Which is I think a very important thing. So that's what's up with that.

Lastly, on the car trip up to Chicago, we discussed our love languages. Everyone in my car's primary love language is quality time, including me. But I noticed this week that often, it depends on circumstances. With my friends, I feel loved through quality time. But I show love through words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts.And I noticed this week with the little girl I worked with at the after-school program that when she did well, I was inclined to brush back her hair and pat her shoulder, etc. to show her love. So I've decided that it's much more simple than a simple quiz can tell me. And I've never had a boyfriend, so I don't really know my romantic love language. I think I'll have to find out. Although, ideally my first boyfriend will also one day be my husband. That's the dream. So yeah. Those are my thoughts on dating, marriage, and love languages. :)

Also, I'm 19 years old now, so that's kinda crazy.

ChicaGoVols 2K15

So y'all. For real. This week has been one of the most incredible of my life. God has really been stretching me, and using me, and working in me in some amazing ways that I don't even think I can really describe. So brief recap of the trip. We drove down last Sunday, we rode in cars of four to six people. My car was totally awesome. I honestly love the people in my car SO MUCH! Like, for REAL. In a slightly different way than I love the rest of the people on the trip. We had some serious conversations, and I feel like I know their hearts better than anyone else on the trip. Not to say that I love them better, because I don't. But I do love them differently. But anyway, after the car ride down, we were split into teams, I was on Team C!!! We worked every afternoon Monday to Thursday at an after-school program for kids in the area. It meets in the church we were sleeping in. It was amazing. I got to tell a little girl about Jesus. It was awesome. And God really used that experience to show me not only how much I lack patience and perseverance, but also a taste of how much patience He must have for us, which was kind of amazing. We spent our mornings doing different things, from manual labor to serving others to just talking to other college students. It was a really amazing trip. Another week of perfect moments, too.

CHICAGO!!!!

HEY YALL!!

I'm pretty pumped!! I'm leaving for Chicago in less than 48 hours!!! The Navigators is taking a trip up there to work with some ministries in the city, and I'm super excited!!!!! I'm pretty pumped, partially because I don't really know what's going to happen, and partially because I know how much God can use trips like this for His glory, which makes me SUPER excited!!! And I also know how bonding these trips can be. And since I don't know most of the people going very well, I'm pretty pumped to be getting to know at least some of them! Like, there's this guy I've never even seen or heard of before who's riding in the same car as me, as well as a girl I kind of know and one of the staff guys (who's driving). This is going to be a pretty awesome trip, I can already tell!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Stressful Days Abound

So its been kind of a stressful week. My printer stopped working, and naturally I had a half dozen things to be printed this week. And I have a paper due and a lab due and a math exam all today. But this morning, after my math exam (which I'm feeling pretty confident about, thank You, Lord!) I walked to my next class, Medieval Civ, and because I finished the exam early, I got to walk more leisurely and enjoy how beautiful today is. We've had some gross weather around here lately, and it's so nice to be able to enjoy the warmth and the beautiful sunlight. I'm so glad God gave us sunlight. It makes for so many beautiful days.

Sharing the Bridge! And other fun things!

So hey there!

Navs has this tool for evangelism called "The Bridge" and today (and by today, I mean Tuesday, March 10) we went out on campus and shared it with random strangers! It was really really scary! But after Abby shared with some random guy, she made me share with this other random guy. His name was Jonah. I didn't do a very good job with it, but he was really nice about it all. He is a Christian and was pretty familiar with what we were talking about, and he seemed kind of interested in maybe joining us at Navs on Thursday. He's a sophomore, and random fact about him? HE SHARES MY BIRTHDAY! Which is coming up in a couple weeks!! It's pretty exciting stuff! But yeah, I laughed a lot, cause I'm a nervous laugher, but it was great. Abby helped me, and it all worked out. I think God really used me, and also brought us to exactly the right people we were meant to share with!

So also, it's Tuesday, so normally we would have had Bible study. Well, we randomly decided to go bowling. Now, I'm kind of a stick in the mud, so I refused to bowl, but I watched everyone else, and cheered on #TeamPalindrome. It was a lot of fun. I just really enjoyed spending time hanging out with these folks. Also, we're leaving for Chicago in less than a WEEK! We're going there for Spring Break, and I'm SUPER PUMPED!!! I can't wait! So yeah, that's what's going down with me! I would really appreciate some prayers for our safety as we travel to and from and in and around Chicago, and that as we share God's word, that we would really touch the hearts and lives of the people we encounter.

So yeah, thanks for reading! I love you!
Becca

After those "perfect moments"

Hey y'all!

So I've been thinking about yesterday's video, and about that perfect moments kind of afternoon. Afterwards, I had this sort of longing for something, and I didn't really know what. But I've been thinking and I think I was kind of right. I think I said that God gave me a taste of heaven yesterday, and I really really think that's it. I mean, what else would make sense, right? After a beautiful afternoon with some great friends and pure wholesome fun, wouldn't it make sense for me to long for that? And I kind of think heaven will be like that, except without the longing. I'm kind of super excited for the day I make it there. I don't know about y'all, but I think it's a day worth celebrating.

Anyway, yeah... That's what's up. Love you!
Becca

SGM Vid: A Perfect Moments kind of day

So I posted a couple years ago about perfect moments I experienced, and looking back, I don't know if those moments were perfect, but I think they were as close as they come. And today, I had another one. So here I go, talking about it.

Like I said, I don't know if perfect moment are actually possible, but I definitely got a taste of what a perfect moment might be like. God really gave me a blessing in today.

Love you!
Becca

A Crush on God??? And one other thing...

Hey yall!

So I was just on Project Inspired's website (linked here), and I read this post about what it means to know God. The woman who wrote it said to look at knowing God like a crush, and honestly, I TOTALLY love that idea! So I just want to say something about that. In the Bible, we, as the church are described as the bride of Christ. All throughout the Old and New Testaments, there's this frequent analogy of us being the bride, and God redeeming us. So looking at getting to know God as a crush is a really cool idea, if you ask me. I mean, think about it. When you have a crush, you talk to them a lot, and you try to find out their likes and dislikes, what makes them laugh and what upsets them, you find out about their family and friends, what kind of things they have planned for their future (or at least recently, that's one I've kind of found to be important!). I think that's kind of a great way to do it. I mean, when you accept His gift of grace and salvation, you're also submitting yourself to Him, and promising to get to know who He is better and better. So you talk to God. And you find out what He likes and dislikes, what His family and friends were like. You look to see what He has planned. I think this is TOTALLY awesome. I was once told that we should live, not just like we love Jesus, but like we're really IN LOVE WITH Jesus. I really like that, but having never really been in love, thinking of it as having a crush on God works pretty well too. So yeah, there's my two cents on the matter.

Also, I really want to tell you about something that happened to me today. I got my email, accepting me to attend STP, which if I haven't yet mentioned it, is a Navigators Summer Training Program. I'm SUPER pumped, and also totally terrified. I mean, this'll be amazing, but also definitely challenging. And I have to accept SOON. So yeah! Pray for me, please! I love you guys!

Talk to you soon!
Becca

The Truth of Words

OK. So I know that I said in multiple videos that my friend said some really mean things to me and didn't feel sorry for it. I am willing to admit that I was wrong. I mean, I wasn't exactly wrong. She wasn't sorry for it, but she also didn't see the pain she'd caused me (which is it's own other thing that I probs won't talk about ever), so she's in the clear.

But anyway, here's the story. I was about to head to WalGreens, and texted her to see if she was in our dorm. She said she was, so I stopped by her room. I sat down and said, "I wanted to talk to you about something, and I don't think you'll like it." My hands were shaking. She looked at me with her eyes widened. "OK..." she responded. I said "The other day, you said somethings that were pretty upsetting. You said you question why we're friends, and you think most of the things that come out of my mouth are annoying. That really hurt me, especially because I am having trouble making friends, and I do worry about people finding me annoying." She responded, "I didn't mean it seriously. I was just kidding, because we get on each other's nerves sometimes. You know. There's no reason for us not to be friends." We talked about it for another minute, and then she said, "Yeah, I'm sorry Becca." I told her it was okay, and I went on my way. And it was okay. I've forgiven her. But I'll be honest, part of me still hurts. Those words still echo in my mind, and the sting hasn't really stopped yet. And I know that part of that is because her words, while not meant unkindly, had a grain of truth in them. Her words reinforce my own feelings of inadequacy and my loneliness, and this feeling like I don't have any friends because I'm annoying and weird. Her words make me want to keep everyone at arms length, so they don't see the truth of who I am, that I am someone who's annoying, and not worth being friends with.

Now I think about my own friendships with people. I know I say things jokingly that aren't meant to be unkind, but can definitely be construed that way. I would hate to learn that something I said stuck with someone and really cemented their insecurities. I don't want a mine to be a legacy of pain.

So this is kind of a two-part situation. First, I really saw God in how, when I went to talk to Emory, she didn't get upset with me, but instead was kind to me when I told her about how what she said hurt me. Second, I think God spoke to me through this whole situation. He reminded me to always speak "with grace, as though seasoned with salt," (Colossians 4:6) because I want to live producing the fruits of the Spirit, which are listed in Galatians 5:22-23 (They are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.) So yeah. That's what's up.

Love you!
Becca

Confessing my Struggles

OK, so I posted a video about this, like, maybe an hour ago, but I have something else I want to say about that. In general, I want to be seen as a strong woman. Mentally and emotionally strong. (I don't really care about physical strength for myself, I know I'm not strong.) So I don't like talking about my feelings. I always feel bad when I do. I feel stupid and weak when I talk about my feelings, when I talk about my grief and my pain and my struggles. But let me tell you something. Galatians 6:2 says "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."  James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." Guys, I think we're supposed to talk to each other about our struggles, and our difficulties. I think Satan doesn't like it when we do. Because in Ecclesiastes it says "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up." (That's Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). For me, and my own sin, I have Abby, who not only is encouraging me to work to improve, but who also will help me get back up when I fall. So yeah. I think it's important that we share. And I'm going to try to be better about that.